Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 04/12/2008 02:16:14 PM – Mentat 402

Entry 04/12/2008 02:16:14 PM – Mentat 402

04/12/2008
     I’ve been an emotional wasteland the last week or so, and for a couple of days through it, I had no idea why or what the cause of it was.  It started around the point when I realized that I had just passed the sixth month mark with D.  As I had said during that entry that there had been several things that I wanted to talk about, and I admit that I had made the attempt both on that day, and the day after that.  They had all been along the lines of "where do we go from here?"  But there had been a couple of more important issues that I wanted to talk about that I ended up not talking about at all…  From there though, thinking that I had failed talking about them, I began having a sort of emotional crash…
     It didn’t get much better from there when he had announced through those two days, that he’s going to be going away to his aunt & uncle’s in Idaho for a couple of weeks and that it had been announced by his mother quite suddenly.  He told me that he had made mention of it a week or so prior, and that this was most probably the results of dropping that hint.  When I heard that I had trepidations for this two week trip — mostly because I got the impression that all he’s doing is simply running from the issues that I know that he has to deal with on the home-front, and that he wouldn’t be by taking this two weeks sabbatical to his aunt & uncle’s.  I also theorized that there was also the possibility that the ‘rents weren’t sure how to handle him — as they think he’s been entirely too depressed and hiding out in his room without explaining much as to the real reason why he did.  That and there was a slight possibility that they have issues they want to work out (as there’s been quite a lot of smoldering going on between his parents) and they didn’t want him around so that they could work it out some. 
     We talked about it for a little bit, and while he knows he’s got the issues, he also thinks that this would be a good thing as well as it would allow him to recharge his batteries (so to speak).  The thing is — while I eventually did come around to it — the emotional insecurities that I was going through at the time only got worse.  I didn’t know what it was, although I recognized some of the elements that were causing it.  The most prevalent was the feeling of wanting to intentionally sabotage because of the distance, the time, and the impatience that I was feeling that it’s going to take some time for everything to settle into place.  That feeling got pretty bad come Wednesday, because I know that I have the money to make a 4 – 5 day trip to the west coast, but am holding off for the $600 check from the IRS as based on Bush’s revitalizing the economy BS Act that he’s got in place.  By Wednesday night, I remember that I was ready to pack it all in, go back into hiding, and saying "Screw it All!" to everything. 
     D handled my insecurities pretty well, and for the most part was able to talk some sense into me, with me trying to calm myself down on the rest.  While I only moderately believe in astrology — and even then I understand it from AAB’s esoteric sense — I found that some of the external elements to my insecurities were being caused by the current transiting of Venus through Aries causing a square with my natal Venus (in Cancer); which will continue until about the 15th or 16th of this month.  I did a little research at some of the lower points in the year, and found there to be somewhat of a correlation between some of my wants to sabotaging, and the placement of Venus through a squaring aspect.  So it’s moderately possible that this want to sabotage might in fact be an external influence and not exclusively internal. 
     *closes his eyes and takes a deep breath*  There are dynamics to our relationship that I don’t entirely understand.  For example — I know that given the potential for friction leaving things unsaid — that the two of us pretty much do avoid dealing with issues until they’re ready to bite us in the ass.  And that while the two of us are fighters by nature, how we avoid conflict between the two of us…  Sometimes I think it has to do with the fact that we haven’t learned the limits, or each other’s abilities as a fighter…  For D though; I also realize that it has to do with the fact that he avoids conflict on the home-front because of the amount of conflict he’s had to deal with there — both with the parents and with his prior boyfriends/girlfriends.  For me?  Normally I don’t think about it and simply plod through it, approaching the issue even-handedly…  However, in this emotional state I usually avoid it, because I don’t necessarily trust that I’m going to handle it evenly.  Hell, there’s few things in this sort of state that I don’t avoid… 
     And I can’t help but feel that D and I have reached a sort of plateau in our relationship and that the next stage in everything is going to be either of us making the trip to the other side of the country in order to meet face to face.  More on that when that check comes in…

     Subsequently, the other thing that really works me about this (emotional) state is the fact that no matter how hard I try — I cannot get myself into wanting to write on any of the drafts that I’ve got going here.  Every time I open up one of them, I end up writing about sentence or two, and lacking any further gumption to continue on from there.  Even tried to start another draft, and ended up looking at the blank white of Word, and shutting it down (without saving) when I got two very uninspired sentences out.
     Taking an internal temperature, what it is, is that I feel the need to socialize more than wanting to write.  However, I’ve sat in Buzzen for a short time, and ended up leaving because a good majority of the men in there are either old enough to be my father, or out cruising the room for sex, phone sex, or cyber — which gets old really fast.  Yahoo Chat’s a veritable wasteland of trailer-trash or foreign incapable of putting together more than three English words in a sentence…  Not to mention that something’s seriously up with Gay Men’s Haven (which I’m saying, "good!") I think it’s being closed down because the LGB rooms have been closed down for some times, because when I try to access them through any client — they either won’t connect, or better still — they get some sort of internal communications error on Yahoo’s side.  Ended up watching a little and participating less in the local room of gay.com. 
     Sure there’s cruising there — however it’s not as bad as Buzzen, and kept to a minimum through searching through information in people’s profiles — but it’s better than nothing at the moment.  Although nothing seems to be a rapidly appealing good option, although that will probably leave me either playing games, or sitting in silence and allowing my IQ to be sucked out through my nose by watching television.  Oh, and heading down to Providence for a few hours isn’t going to be an option for at least a couple of hours, as I’m buying supper tonight… 

     That’s about all I have for the moment…  I’m off to see what kind of other trouble I can cause.  Until the next time.

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Categories: Romance/Relationships
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