Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 05/19/2008 02:56:25 PM – Mentat 409

Entry 05/19/2008 02:56:25 PM – Mentat 409

05/19/2008

     T-Minus 17 days and counting. 
     God, where do I begin with this entry?  Where do I start to describe the anxieties that I had been going through for about four days?  Where do I begin to describe the anger that I went through yesterday after finding out what I found out? Where do I begin with the numbness that I’m currently experiencing right now as I’m sitting here trying to write this journal entry? 

     For starters, the ominous feeling that I had in the last entry was real.  Quite real.  And no matter how I tried to shake it, I just couldn’t.  I went through most of the week last week with the feeling that something was wrong, and no matter how I tried talking to D about it — he continued to tell me that he was just in one of his moods.  Thursday after going through several days of his reticent attitude, I was able to finally drag him out of whatever mood that he was in, and the pages that I had gotten used to from him for the last seven months.  He said that has going out that night, to go play pool.  I wished him a good time and told him that he could page me so that we could talk as I was going to do a late night that night (mainly because I was attempting to work out the sound and TV card issues with Ubuntu.  I went to bed that night without getting a page from him. 
     Friday rolls around, and I get nothing in spite of the pages that I sent him.
     I went from concerned to anxious to nervous to full out abandonment issues by the time Friday night rolled around.  And it didn’t help matters Friday night, as I was sitting here calming down by watching television and playing a bit here and there, that we had a power outage because of the storms we were having that night. 
     His phone was working, that wasn’t the problem.  I got his voicemail as a test while the power was out. 
     Calming down a little, and getting the power back on, I was able to play Final Fantasy VII for a couple of hours before I went to bed. 
     Still nothing on Saturday and I was teetering between separation anxiety, frustration and anger.  I had moments when I would calm down, but the instant that I tried to think about it, or in some cases not think about it, the mood swings would return.  I remember that there were moments Saturday when I was calm for a number of hours, but most of my memory for Saturday had me wondering what the hell was up, and why hadn’t he gotten in contact with me.  I attempted a couple more pages Saturday, but they were met with the same black hole from the day before.
     Tried again on Sunday, and my mood in the morning was less than exemplary.  My mother and her husband had stopped over with a couple of boxes that my aunt had willingly said could be stored in the basement and I was the workhorse to bring them downstairs. 
     Bad news travels fast in my family, and when I was asked what was up, and my "nothing" was a response, my mother told me that it’s possible that D was having anxiety about my going out there.  I looked at her and nodded while getting my coffee ready, and without a change of expression knew that my aunt had told her at some point either that morning when she stopped by, or the day before.  I wasn’t sure which, and at that point I didn’t care which. 
     Her words weren’t a comfort, and my mood was already pretty rotten at that point. 
     Once my mother and her husband had cleared out, and I was left to my own devices again, I sent one more page expressing my concern and wishing that he contact me whenever he could.
     I finally got a response back from him telling me that he was in Idaho with his aunt, and that he would’ve contacted me sooner if he had his phone. 

     I was psychotic with relief and anger at that point.  Relieved that he was alive and well, and any one of the hundreds of worst case scenarios that had been going through my head during the anxious moments I was wondering where the hell he was.  Angry that through his mother’s manipulations, he had once again been forced into a position of dealing with things for his family instead of allowing him to take care of his own issues and his own karma.  The fury that I had for D’s mother at that moment was astronomical. 
     I knew that if I were to make any sense of the rapid change of events with him being in Idaho happening on the eve of my getting ready to travel across the country to finally meet him face-to-face, I had to calm down…  And calming down meant that I should take a walk. 

     I grabbed my iPod, and finding the hardcore playlist, put something loud and fast paced on, and left the house, unsure what direction I was going, and allowing habit to dictate the direction of my walk.  I ended up walking toward the bus stop on South Main Street, via Third and Olo Streets.  Of course, I didn’t leave well enough alone..  I didn’t allow the walk and the music to calm me down.  I decided to press the issue, and press hard. 
     Yeah — my fury got the best of me and I sent off a rather nasty and routinely fatalistic page…  As follows:

     I’ve already made my decision. Talk to me when you are in control of your life. I’ve had my fill of you being at the whims of your mother and your family.

     D took it as I meant it (as I expected he would), and in his effort to wish me well, also dropped a comment about how he should’ve stayed alone… 

     Had he not gotten up on his cross, I would’ve probably left it as was, but him saying that just set me off even worse. 
     So, I called him.  He was pretty silent during it, which I wasn’t going to put up with in the least.  I told him I didn’t care how he dealt with this: yelling, screaming, crying, talking, it was his choice.  The only thing I told him was that I wasn’t going to accept silence as a response or an answer to what I was going through. 
     I found out that part of the reason why he had gone there was because his aunt was suffering through chemotherapy for cancer. 
     While I could understand the motivation for him to go there and deal with it, considering that she was married, it really wasn’t his karma to be dropping everything to help her if she’s got a husband there to help her through it.
     He told me that her husband does nothing for her and that she supports him.
     I balked when I heard this and told him that it’s not his karma to be dropping everything, including a job in order to help his aunt through this, especially seeing that his mother didn’t remotely tell his sister to drop everything while at college and go help their aunt. 
     His silence on my comment on this confirmed that his manipulative mother didn’t remotely consider calling in his sister to help with this, and through her concept of indentured service thought because he was home and working, he was the logical choice. 
     My anger and ire towards that woman continued to stew, but I put it off the to the side. 
     While he felt bad for his aunt, and that he didn’t think about bringing his phone with him, at the same time through our discussion, he confirmed that a good part of the reason why he went had everything to do with my coming to Washington and that he was scared about it.  Scared about rejection, scared about rejecting me.  Basically the same things my mother and my aunt told me about, and deep down, while I agreed with them, hoped that this wasn’t the case. 
     Even if it was. 
     I reconfirmed to D that this was an eventuality.  That we would have to meet, because I would be go to hell if I were going to have some net relationship that went positively nowhere.  I confirmed that we had talked about it multiple times (from December through to March both with our taxes filed and especially when the stimulus check were to come in. 
     Still though, he was anxious about it. 
     I told him that I was tired of being some dirty little secret in his life, and by god being out of the closet longer than he’s been alive, I would be go to hell if I continued to stay there. 
     I was still angry though, but at least I was thinking.  And this is what I thought…
     I told D that I was still going through with my trip. I wasn’t going to be cancelling it for anything.  However, I told him that it was time that he did something as an adult would.  It was time to stop acting like a child, or a teen, giving in to every whim that his mother threw at him.  If he were to ever grow up and handle his life his way, he would have to stop giving in to every whim his mother or his family threw in his direction.  He would have to start working toward his goals. 
     I don’t remember the order of things on what I told him from that point, but I do remember some of the highlights of it.  I explained to him that these sort of relationships are a leap of faith, and that up until this point, we had both dealt with faith well — both blind and not so blind. 
     I told him that life isn’t easy, and neither are relationships.  And while there are some that relationships come to easily, neither he nor I were those kind of people.  That in my life, it has been filled with rejection, so it wouldn’t be anything new for me if he were to reject me as well. 
     I talked to him about faith, and that I was taking a leap of faith by coming 3,000 miles in his direction, that if he valued what we had between us for the last 7 months, that I didn’t care whether he borrowed a car, hitchhiked, took a bus, hell, even walked — the least that he could and should do is meet me. 
     I think I mentioned off-hand that even in meeting me, it’s not as though we were going to be stopping everything.  Our lives would still be separated, and chances are he still had things to do with his family. 

     But I also told him the other side of things.  I told him that just as it was adult for him to show up and meet me face to face, that it was also considered adult of him not to show up either.  I explained to him that for every decision there are consequences.  And in this decision that I would never want to talk with him ever again. 
     I said to D that over the next 18 days, that I didn’t want him to contact me.  That in that time he needed to soul search though this and find it within himself to either make this work, or make this not work anymore.  I couldn’t help him through this soul searching at all because it’s not something I could do for him.  I compromised this in that if there was something that was too difficult to think through, only then would I be there to listen. 
     Finally, I told D that I e-mailed the flight information in and out of Seattle, and my hotel information and said my byes to him, hoping to see him when I get there. 


     I had been pretty shell-shocked most of yesterday, and numb most of today because of this.  While there is a part of me that is hoping that I will see D either when I get off the plane and head down the terminal, or perhaps even see him the next morning when I wake up at the hotel…  A good majority of me knows that this is a repeat of what happened with Will, and that instead of at least getting some form of closure, that I’m going to have to do the closure myself…  That this trip is only going to be for me, and I will be closing this chapter between D and I after 7 months together online. 
     I feel as though over the next 17 days, all I’m doing is prolonging the inevitable.  That when I got off the phone with D, he had already made his decision and that he wasn’t going to show up at all, leaving me there for those five days on my own.  And I know that I’m only going to make myself sick over this…
     But I have to try, and I have to learn from this, even if it feels like this is a repeat of a lesson I had learned in the recent past (with Will).  There will be more on this…  But I’m not sure when. 

     In other news…  My cat has once again gotten one of her blockages from the amount of fur that she’s been trying to clean off of herself from Winter to Spring.  Which means she’s not eating, and whatever she eats, she’s throwing up.  The last time she went through this in the north, it only lasted a week or two…  The time before that was when I was still in the south and she went through it for far longer than she should have.  Unfortunately at the time, I didn’t have the money — barely surviving on my own, so I had to do what I could until she finally recovered. 
     I’m going to be watching her for the next couple of days to see whether this is temporary or if it’s something I’m going to need to bring her to a vet to have checked.  At least she’s able to drink and she has a couple of times today, which is a plus.  Not to mention that she’s still rather heavy from her winter fat as well… 

     Lots else to talk about when it comes to Linux, but given the news, I’m going to close it here and watch some movies.  Do comfort food, and perhaps a couple of games to pass the time and work through this numbness.  Until the next time.

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Categories: Romance/Relationships
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