Home > Life or something like it > Entry 05/21/2008 10:07:36 AM – Mentat 410

Entry 05/21/2008 10:07:36 AM – Mentat 410

05/21/2008
     T-minus 15 days and counting. 

     All right, I think I’m awake.  The coffee-maker’s finished brewing, and I’m debating whether or not I want to make iced coffee (which means that I’m going to have to wait another hour while I quick-freeze the coffee), or having it immediately.  Heh, I’ve decided on drinking it hot today…  It’s the right kind of temperature and I’m in the right kind of mood for it. 
     I’m having to monitor my cat for the next couple of hours to ensure that she’s not throwing up what she ate this morning…  Yeah — she’s got a blockage from her fur again.  I went out yesterday to get some hairball remedy in order to help her through it again.  *sighs*  Yeah, it’s frustrating, particularly given how stubborn she is when it comes to taking medicine, and particularly when trying to get her to eat a little bit.  At least she’s not fighting me too much about the food — and will eat it out of my hand when I give it to her.  Now, it’s just a waiting game for the next couple of hours while she’s over on the landing, sunning herself, to see whether what she had about an hour ago is going to come up. 

     I had hellish dreams last night…  While they didn’t involve D, they did involve elements that I had collected based on my unspoken comments to Peachy on my LiveJournal, and the anime that I had been watching Monday night because of my sudden burst of insomnia that occurred for falling asleep only ½ hour that night.  It involved being in an apartment that was nothing more than a hole in the wall.  I think the weirdest thing about this hole in the wall, had to do with a toilet being put in a sort of chest at the foot of the bed in the second room, that when I flushed, the water would overflow from the toilet, into the chest, and then out of the chest onto the floor.  I did my best to stop the over-flow when I tried it out, but couldn’t stop some of it from ending up on the floor and on its way down to the apartment/floor below.  (Yes, I’m aware of what that means from a psychological point of view, but wait ’til I drop the next element). 
     I think the most disturbing part had to do with the visitor that I had to this apartment…  My last ex, Rick.  Yeah…  The one that I had gone through so much abuse with for almost 4 years.  It was a somewhat pleasant experience.  He and I had a discussion about the things that had happened with me since the last time he had seen me — with me explaining to him my involvement with this Ninja Clan and how I played a key part in the negotiations between two 主任 (or bosses) that had been at war for so many years (I get the impression that it was longer than decades). 
     Rick had been pleasant the entire time he and I had been chatting, standing there watching me, as I sat at a table in this apartment explaining things to him.  Toward the end, the thing that I recalled most was that he was amicable toward the thought of us getting back together. 
     Needless to say that the instant I woke up from my sleep and remembered vividly that part of the dream, I pushed myself in the direction of the shower to wake up and totally reject even remotely what my unconscious was trying to say to me through that dream.  Ugh! 
     I know that my unconscious was trying to tell me…  That things are just a little out of control (all things considered), that I’m forcing myself down a path of reconciliation both on discordant issues in my life, as well as reconciling loves and hatreds of the past.  *chuckling*  I just don’t like the way that my dreams have a habit of forcing the issues with me with such the graphic obviousness as it did last night.  Particularly with the part involving Rick.  *eye roll*  I so could have done without that reminder. 
     I’ll think more about this later on. 

     Well, I’ve got everything finally tweaked out on the Windows side of this dual boot.  I was able to finally load up my themes for Windows, which makes me happy — particularly given that I’m one that likes flash and style that comes from having windows shades and borders in the same color scheme as the wallpaper I have up.  Even got around to loading up Apophysis once again, and giving a go with a couple of flames while listening to Classical (Mozart), as well as working on this entry. 
     On the Ubuntu/Linux side…  Ugh, what a learning process.  So far I’ve had to reinstall the OS from scratch three times.  The first time because I had problems getting the various DVD players to work properly, and decided to trick out my Linux boot to something more along the lines of a non-free like I have with Windows.  Doing this definitely got the DVD players (Totem and VLC) to working properly.  Then I hit a snag when it came to getting the Soundcard’s shared port (Line-In/Mic) to work properly.  Ended up totally hosing sound on the system completely, and after 6 hours of hardcore research realized, the easiest way of fixing the problem was to — once again — format the partition and reload from scratch.  *takes a deep breath*
     Yeah, that fixed the problem that’s for sure.  DVD Movies playing still?  Check.  Music playing in Rhythmbox?  Check.  TVTuner working?  Well, I still get only the picture, but sound is pretty much screwed because I’m still trying to figure out the problem with the Soundcard (Audigy LS) and the shared port.  I’ll get to it (eventually), right now though it’s not my concern. 
     I even got it figured out on how to get Linux to recognize the 3D effects of my video board, and even get it to keep my refresh settings without having to constantly set them up each time I boot into Linux.  Of course, on the flip side, it raises a serious question on why is it that the X-Server Settings for my nVidia Card are set in the administrative portion of the OS, and can’t for the life of it save to the /etc/X11/xorg.conf file without actually being started as a super user (sudo).  It’s as thought the nVidia Settings Module was put in as an after-thought more than anything else. 
     About the only good thing that I’ve got so far when it comes the screw-ups and blow-outs with Linux is the fact that I can get it loaded up in significantly less time than I do with Windows.  Heh, to give you an idea — with Windows completely reloaded, I was able to be in and running in approximately 23 hours.  That includes programs, tweaks, games, the works.  With Linux, I’m loaded up and running in about 2½ hours…  This also includes all the patches, the scripts necessary to get (almost) everything running to part, and working within the operating system. 
     Of course, I learned the biggest lesson possible so far…  That there is a definitive order to doing things in order to have things continue to work as they’re expected.  Which is more rigid than Windows is for me at the present time.  Hopefully, by the time I sit down and work on another entry, I’ll have the issue with the TV Tuner fixed.

     Went shopping for the trip yesterday….   Got myself a new pair of sneakers, as the two year old pair that I’ve been banging around with are pretty much seeing the end of their days in the near future (other than to perhaps be used around the house to bang-around and do various chores that involve the use of footwear and what have you).  Bought a couple of more pairs of shorts, and a couple of colored T-shirts.  Heh, don’t need polo or button-down shirts; I’ve got plenty of those and then some.  Went digging through the hand me downs that my mother’s husband can no longer wear, and found myself a couple of pairs of pants, as well as white t-shirts that just need to be washed in order to shake the cigarette smoky smell they had sitting in the bag they had been sitting in.  Also found a pair of cargo shorts in there that work rather well with what I’m currently wearing. 
     Also got around to buying a new toiletry bag to replace the shabby one that I’ve been schlepping around with for the last decade.  Heh, thinking about it — that bag had seen quite a lot of places in the time that I had it.  Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida, Texas, various points in Georgia, Rhode Island and Massachusetts…  It’s going to be rather amusing to retire it.  Maybe I should have a sort of ceremony for it. 

     So, how am I doing so far?  *takes a deep breath* I still can’t shake the feeling that my talk with D on Sunday was the last time I will ever speak to him again, as I believe that he’s not going to put an effort into meeting me when I get there.  That with a part of me being hopeful, and the other part being the realist that I’m just keeping myself in a state of stasis until I’m getting on the plane and heading to Seattle for 5 days to spend time with myself.  That when I get there, all things will play out the way that they’ll play out, and that when I get back to Rhode Island, things will then be set in motion for me to be prepared to be heading in another direction.  What that direction is, I shouldn’t be sure and I shouldn’t be setting it in motion based on the fatality of my feelings that I’m going to Seattle to be disappointed. 
     I’m still trying to work out Peachy’s comment/remark on LiveJournal and my reactions to it.  Rather surprised how much anger I had and how much of it came to focus trying to sort out her words.  I realized that there are elements to my last entry that I had slipped out with some things that I had held discrete from the general public about D’s situation, and some of D’s idiosyncrasies that wouldn’t make sense to the casual viewer that would involve my disclosing things that D had requested I keep discrete because of his family and his living conditions with them. 
     One of the things that I’ve been wrestling with from her comments was this:

    This is a use of the word karma I’m not familiar with, but is it his karma to have you setting down the lines of what is and is not acceptable behavior from his family?

     There are assumptions being made here based on the force of the word "told" that I had used to convey the thoughts and feelings of my last entry.  Told in this case is: Let something be known, Express in word…  Not give instructions to or direct somebody to do something with authority.  Which is the reason why I knee-jerked my reactions when I read through her response.  Particularly given what I know, and what isn’t said in the last entry and only hinted at in previous entries involving D and his family.  Particularly given that her statement trips up on common thought-forms I routinely deal with, with the public at large.

     I can say this without breaking D’s request for discretion… 

     D and I have something in common when it comes to the ideal of family — an almost Superman Syndrome of titanic proportions that we oftentimes go out of our way to fight for and to save, by completely denying sanity, balance and even understanding in order to keep a perfect ideal of family alive…  In spite of the fact that the people contained therein are far from perfect, have their own lessons to learn, and will use (and abuse) that better nature out of laziness and lethargy. 
     In the years since my completion of the studies of the Tibetan Monk (DK) as dictated by AAB, I have come to understand a bit more of people’s karma than what most people typically attribute to the word (including Peachy).  D, like myself, is an ancient; having karmic balances, and karmic lessons that had been learned early in life.  D, like myself, has a similar path to follow when it comes to learning — one that he has seen and sometimes finds himself scared of seeing (which is most of the reason why he reacted the way that he had reacted).
     While I have the ability to see some people’s karma, karmic responsibilities, and karmic lessons to be learned, most times, it’s hazy at best.  With D?  God, the clarity of it is as crystalline as my own.  Sounds like a lack of hubris, I know.  Sounds like a delusion to others, I’m sure.  But when someone is so sure, when someone can see a path that is so obvious, and their gut instincts tell them, "this is how it is", it’s hard to back down from that surety.  My history has been, trusting my guts in something has invariably been the right course of action.  Trusting my head to analyze it’s way through has always lead to ruin.  This has been my guts talking, with my head trying to play catch up. 

     The path that D currently takes is a road to self-ruin.  It will destroy him as surely as jumping out in front of a train… and even if he were to make that sacrifice for the likes of his family, all he’s doing is simply delaying the inevitable of them (his family) returning to their own karmic paths and their own karmic lessons.  And where will that leave him?  All for naught. 
     It is a road that I have taken, and had left me wasted.  But it didn’t ruin me..  And there’s a reason why… 
     One probable debate point that I see in the above statement here is the probability of my denying D a valuable karmic lesson by trying to assuage his current course.  I say this…   
     When one is sufficiently down the path, one can learn without having to personally throw themselves into the middle of it to experience it.  There are those that learn by putting one’s hand into a fire and being taught that fire burns flesh.  There are those that learn that fire burns and never have to put their hand into the fire to learn of its consequence.  I believe that D is sufficiently down the path to listen and learn without having to go through it all in order to learn.  From my perspective, however, it’s going to be waiting game for me until D learns to stop following the path that’s well trodden (out of habit) and instead taking the path that he will be in a better position to help and assist.  Because the path previously experienced through years of habit is by far easier to follow than to change course to something that appears to be unknown. 
     I also say this…  Sometimes we follow those paths because they’re known, and routinely put ourselves in the line of hurt to reinforce in the most demented and masochist manner that we’re alive, instead of realizing that the path being followed is masochistic, dysfunctional, and self-abusing, and there are better ways of living. 

     Invariably, I’m left the bystander in D’s life — playing the part only I can possibly play — my part and my part only.  My hand is extended, and I can only hope that it’s taken.  Even with the realist telling me it’s a fool’s errand this trip at T-minus 15 days, there will always be the faith and the hope that the realist will be proven wrong. 
     I’ve said all that I’m going to say for the time being.  Off to take a walk, play a game, and of course feel as though I’m waiting to exhale.  Until the next time.

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