Home > Health and wellness > Entry 08/03/2008 03:48:15 AM – Mentat 426

Entry 08/03/2008 03:48:15 AM – Mentat 426

     I think that things are finally going to calm down around the homestead.  The last of the redecorating and renovations have been completed around the house, and so I think things are pretty much going to be back to business as usual.  Good thing too given just how bloody crazy it’s been with the painting, the rugs getting put down, and all the hammering that had been done in the interim.  Of course, the thing is that my aunt doesn’t realize not only just how much of a impulse shopper is, but couple this with the almost garish colors she had chosen to paint the walls, coupled with the amount of work that she had done in four of the rooms in the house, and you quickly get the impression just how unhappy she has been in her life, and how she avoids dealing with the things that she should be dealing with.  *sighs*  I don’t think she gets it actually — particularly given the amount of teeth grinding she does on top of it.   But it’s just one of those sort of things that I can sit by quietly and let her sort through, no matter what I know, or don’t know, or see or don’t see.  But then again, such is the way of life huh? 

     So it’s August here finally.  Summer is at it’s height, even though I admit that the temperatures around here aren’t quite as hot as I’ve remembered them in the past, it’s by no means as cool as it was when I first moved into the state.  Sure, it’s a bit cooler than the extremely hot summer days and nights that I had gone through at the beginning of July, but I’ve got about 4 more weeks before Labor Day and the trade winds kick in and we get temperatures into the 50s at night.  Thankfully for me though, as it’s not as hot as I remember, the usual hormonal kick-in hasn’t started happening for this time of year.  Good thing too, given that last month when it kicked in about the middle of the month, I had dealt with some serious moral issues of going out and finding someone for a one-night stand of debauchery.  Not the sort of thing that I should consider, given the complications that that can cause.  We’ll see thought as it might be another week (maybe two) before I end up having a repeat of what I had gone through briefly last month. 
     Yeah, I know, I really didn’t talk about it in my journal entries through the month of July.  At the time I was more concerned with getting through all the insecurity issues since the trip to Seattle, D’s freak-out coupled with him being shipped off to his aunt & uncle’s in Idaho, and trying to get everything that had been built and blown away since the two of us first met.  But there had been quite a few moments through that all, where I had been seriously wondering if I should go through some sort of tryst or one-night stand in order to get over the hurdle of being celibate for the last 5+ years.  I held out though, particularly given that I know my own limitations and what would happen if I were to have a tryst through this.  Let’s just hope that when the hormones kick in again, that this issue won’t be quite the issue that it had been last month. 

     Speaking of D, we’ve been having a fun time in the short time I call him from work and at lunch.  Had a great time playing the whole double entendre game with him through pages and finally through the call that I do during lunch.  Things continue to go well between he and I, although I do have some concerns on the lethargic way things are going in regards to him and direction in his life.  What I mean is that he’s been in Idaho with his aunt for coming up on three months now, of which he’s still there, and has no idea on when he’ll be returning to Seattle… Then there’s the whole issue about trust, and that each time I approach anything that deals with him he clams up and/or freezes up…  And to top all that off, I sometimes wonder when he’s going to kick his ass in gear, find a job, place to live, and get on with his life without having to feel this over-emphasis on trying to protect his mother and keep the family running the way it is — which is always feel like it’s teetering between entropy and complete failure. 
     Of course, there’s nothing for me to do in this.  Wanting to help step in and deal with it, really isn’t an option for the likes of me.  This is the sort of thing that I really can do nothing more than continue to urge him to take control of his life, while at the same time sitting on my hands so that he can take control of his life.  I guess that I’m just going to have to remain patient through this while he tries to pick himself up, dust himself off, and figure out exactly what it was that he wants with his life, and what part I’m going to have in it.

     I admit, that there are times when I’m not that much better.  There are times when I’m sitting here and realize that I’ve got my life in a sort of stasis while I’m waiting for his to pop to see where he wants to go, that way I can prep my direction as well.  It sounds codependent I know, but at the same time I do know what I want out of my life, even if it’s relatively simple at this point.  There are parts that I don’t too…  For example, I don’t know whether I want to continue living in Rhode Island, in spite of the fact that I’ve got a relatively good job to work at the moment.  I don’t know whether I want to return to Atlanta, move to Seattle (in spite of whether or not things will work out between D and I), or simply find someplace better to live than here or there.  But because of the way that things have been building between D and I, at the moment making the decision to move has been one of those sort of ideas that I’m keeping on the back burner until a decision can be made. 
     At times in the last couple of weeks, I sometimes feel as though I’m repeating history…  The meandering way that D deals with things, and the way that he procrastinates through other things, makes me feel as though I’m back in the brief relationship that I had with Wayne before he had turned completely psychotic and started stalking me when we broke up.  While I’m extremely confident that sort of thing won’t happen with D, at the same time though, I can’t seems to shake the feeling that this is a lesson that I still need to learn out of it that hadn’t been completed with Wayne. 

     My dream state has been slowly returning again — more quickly this time than when I was working third shift last year at CNE.  I know that they have been particularly vivid, although fortunately for me, I can’t for the life of me remember any of it.  *grinning*  Start the egg-timer though, as it’s only a matter of time. 

     Finally, I have to say that I’m feeling much better than I did several weeks ago because of the exercise routine that I’ve got going.  3 miles into work, 8 miles home from work, four times a week, with a 3 days R&R from the routine.  Almost 45 miles a week total.  Not too shabby either, given that I’m able to get farther up the hills on the routes than I could when I first started this routine.  Still having problems with some hills though (like the one on Route 104), but for the most part I’m not feeling quite so exhausted by the time I get home, and not quite so sweaty as I was getting into work.  And the best part about this is the fact that my clothes aren’t quite as snug as they were when I first started working.  Now if only I can ensure that my blood pressure’s staying low through it all, that’s all I care about. 

     Well, that’s about it for the time being. Until the next time…
Categories: Health and wellness
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