Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 09/09/2008 03:38:48 AM – Mentat 434

Entry 09/09/2008 03:38:48 AM – Mentat 434

09/09/2008
     It’s a strange feeling to be sitting here, watching Urbania and I recall seeing back when I was still living in Atlanta.  At first I thought that I had been watching this some time after Rick and I had broken up, but remembering it, I didn’t have a television because mine had burned out, and Rick took the one that he bought.  Heh, and come to think of it, he took the VCR too as mine had burned out as well…  I remember seeing it during the dead of night, several times — usually around 1 to 2 in the morning.
     I remember the discomfort that I felt watching this film, because of the stressful elements it contained.
     I remember the anger that I felt for what Charlie (Dan Futterman) was going through. 
     I remember the frustration that I was feeling at some of the elements that had been presented. 
     I remember being quite sad about the tragedy within the story.  I even remember crying during the scene (dream sequence) where he was talking to his boyfriend wearing white in the boyfriend’s all white apartment… 
     I remember it being a weekend, and that I was suffering a really bad bout of insomnia, because I didn’t feel like I needed or that I didn’t want to fall asleep from the disturbing feelings that I experienced watching Urbania, and ending up passing out in twenty minutes as I calmed down and cleared my head of any thoughts I was having, and my heart of the sympathy of finding myself relating to what Charlie had been going through in the movie. 
     And I find all the feelings that I felt the night that I had finally seen it from title to credits come rushing back as though I had just experienced them only the night before… 
     The only thing that I can’t remember, were the days when I had seen it.  About the only thing that I can remember is the fact it was late at night, that I was on the futon in the living room, and that I had the covers over me, as it was fall or coming on winter when I saw the movie. 

     It’s hard for me to imagine that four and a half years later, while I feel as though I’ve come a long way down the road of healing and recovery, I can find myself occasionally back there in the middle of that chaos, and that crazy, and all the hurt and heartache that I had been going through.  It’s harder for me to imagine that in spite of this path of healing that I’ve followed, that I can so easily go back to those milestones of pain and heartache…  As though, I have the capacity to return to them at near the speed of instant.  And yet — going back to those points — it takes a long time to return to where I am in the present.  The happiness, the hope, the calmness and tranquility that comes with the time and the effort that I’ve made since the day Rick told me on Valentine’s Day in 2004 that he was moving out. 
     And wow…  What muck I’m going through right now…  The past..  Feelings that feel as though they’re oozing from underneath door jams, and through cracks in boxes that I’ve closed up because I don’t need to be in them anymore. 

     Movie’s done…  Dead of night…  Not in the mood really play games (as I tried and ended up quitting within 5 minutes of reaching the first secret in Quake II)…  Not in the mood to be artistically creative, as it’s not within me to find beauty in CGI…  I might take a quick nap in a little bit when I’m done this, as I need to work on the gear assembly on the bike because it’s slipping in 7th gear. 
     D went to bed early this evening because he’s been suffering through an earache and the headache that he’s getting from fighting the earache.  This is one of those times where I wished he had the fortitude to stay up longer than he’s been the last couple of months, and wasn’t feeling as ill as he’s currently feeling. 
     I’m missing D something awful and just talking to him about absolutely nothing at all routinely snaps me out what’s in my head and forget for a more than a few moments the abuse, and anger, the hatred, and the fighting that I used to do with Rick for hours at a time, for the weeks, months and years that Rick and I had been together…  Especially given that right now I feel as though I’m back there, going through all that shit, and there’s no easy way out of it. 

     I have the longing again…  The want…  To have a moment’s peace from it all…  The issues at work that niggle at me and get on my nerves because adults act like such children sometimes…  The find myself in the arms of another man and for that moment, to enjoy their company…  To talk about nothing in particular…  The weather…  Some sordid and fond past memory…  To hear a man’s breathing as we lie together and nod in and out of sleep because there’s nothing more to say, nothing more to mash out, nothing more to talk about…  Just the comfort of another human being nearby.  Living, breathing, thinking and feeling… 
     This is a hardship tour, as I call it…  Waiting patiently for D to get the remainder of his act together…  Waiting through my time until the 23rd of this month when I’m through with my 90 day probation and see whether I’ll be staying on, continuing with probation, or moving on from this job, so that I can start firming up another trip to the west coast, and hopefully this time without D completely freaking out and running and hiding at the prospect of meeting face to face… 
     Ten months into this is where I am at the moment…  Where we are actually.  Simultaneously hard and easy to imagine.  The steps forward…  The steps back…  The unmoving, and the constantly dynamic…  I still get the impression that he’s waiting for something, but I’m not entirely sure what it is he’s waiting for…  But it’s obvious in his lethargy to facing the issues that are going on in his life that he’s waiting…  Either for a sign, an omen or a portent that says, "now is the time that I can move on…  I’ve done all that I can…  It’s time to get on with the next chapter in my life…" 
     Not quite the same as mine though.  I know what I’m waiting for…  I cannot interfere…  Not this time…  It’s not my place…  I can only urge, and prod and bring back to light what keeps being pushed into a closet or some dark hole.  If only because I know precisely the reasons why they keep getting put back there, and I know that it’s scary facing what feels like a darkened chasm in a world that’s completely unknown. 
     That and my promise of a year and a day… 

     It’s 5 AM, and I’m in the mood for a nap.  Short one, with the cat who’s been asking for attention.  Until the next time…

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Categories: Romance/Relationships
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