Home > Life or something like it > Entry 09/16/2008 09:46:40 AM – Mentat 436

Entry 09/16/2008 09:46:40 AM – Mentat 436

09/16/2008
     My word, I completely forgot to write about what it was that I was originally going to write about in my last entry.  Particularly considering that when I sat down to write that entry, it was my Coming Out Anniversary.  Hard to imagine given that more than 29 years ago, I had come out of the closet to myself, and later to the world, all because I kissed a man and everything made sense that day.  It was certainly an interesting night that night, given that my friend Rob (Matt) in New York and I got into a hell of a conversation about life, love, and relationships. 
     Sometimes Rob surprises the shit out of me…  Because underneath that tough and often acerbic exterior that he often shows the Internet world is a sensitive man that has gone through his own crap and trials and come out all the better.  Saturday night, and then again Sunday I got to see a side of him that he rarely shows anyone. 

     He had said to me that one day I would entirely get over all the crap that Rick and I had gone through.  While I told him that there will be parts of that relationship — particularly the pain and abuse — that one can never truly ever get over, I realized in that conversation with him that I had finally reached the end of the emotional bleeding and heartache associated to it.   In his well known "New York is the Center of the Universe" attitude that he typically shares near and far, he had also reminded me that I’ve been playing the victim to this entirely too long… 
     Which is true, I have been (playing the role of victim) more than I should.  I was not the exclusive victim in this — it was a mutual path of self-destruction that eventually came to an end because one of us (Rick) had made the decision to bail.  Although I’ll admit that Rob did get some of the elements wrong, even if the end results were correct.  But then, nobody’s perfect now are they? 

     So here I am…  Three days on the other side of my Coming Out Anniversary…  Working on my 30th year out of the closet.  I’m feeling quite old about that at the moment, given that I work with 20-somethings and deal with 20-something queerfolk online, particularly when I use the phrase, "I’ve been out of the closet longer than you’ve been alive."  Heh, I feel no joy there when I say that let me tell you.  *grinning* Well that’s not entirely true.  The fact that I survived the AIDS panic of the 80s and then the AIDS apathy of the 90s and 00s without so much of the damage associated is definitely something to be more than a little joyful about.  I mean sure, I’ve seen my fair share of death and its victims but out of it, I’ve come to learn how to approach death, dying and hospice care better than most people around me.  The fact that out of those 29 years (going on 30), the rights and activist work that I did in the Biggest Little and Massachusetts does in fact give me a feeling of pride.  I mean sure, there’s still more work to be done, and I can still do my part in it — but I feel that it’s time for the next generation of the wildly idealistic to petition Capitol Hill and say, "this is us, and this is what we want." 
     The work that I tend to do is more sagely, and more advice now than anything else.  Particularly on healing and how to get over the humps and bumps associated to bad and abusive relationships.  Sure, it’s not something remotely resembling as "Professional", but more the Pagan approach that I prefer and appeals to me.  Although occasionally, I’ll still get my cockles up and attack the walls of ignorance and single-minded stupidity if it crosses my path.  Even though my approach is more cunning oftentimes appearing more passive or passive aggressive, and less Yankee (i.e., loud and in your face) than it used to be. *smirking*

     There is in fact more to write about, but given the time and the fact that I’ve done at least three other things instead of concentrating on writing, I’m going to cut out here.  That and get some more sleep.  I might write more tonight, I might not.  I’m just not sure.  I just wanted to make a quick passage on what it was that I forgot the last time I wrote.  Until then or the next time…

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