Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 10/08/2008 11:34:10 PM – Mentat 440

Entry 10/08/2008 11:34:10 PM – Mentat 440

10/09/2008
       With the winter being at New England’s doorstep, living here at the far end of Fairmount means that the field mice that have been frolicking outside in the summer are now making their way into the house.  Both my aunt’s and my cat are currently watching every nook and cranny in the house for a sighting of the field mice that scurry across the floor.  In fact, last night (morning for the rest of the world) as I was sitting re-playing Final Fantasy VII, this little black ball, no bigger than an overgrown dust bunny came out from underneath my CD case, looked at me, tried running toward the computer, figured out there was too much of a wire rat’s nest to hide, and ran back under the CD case while I was trying to catch the thing before my cat laid claw into it. 
     Last year I caught a pair of them and released them about a ½ mile from the house, mainly in my aunt’s house considering that she saw the thing run into the bathroom and her cat Tigger right behind it; all the while trying to bat it because he’s been declawed.  According to my aunt, Tigger’s been pretty successful at catching them, however the killer instinct was never really instilled into him which means all he does is catch it and torment it until the thing either successfully escapes or dies from fright. 
     My cat?  She’s used to killing insects while living in the south (which is how she earned her name of Cricket), but I don’t think she’s entirely worked out what it’s like to hunt another animal.  It’s not as though she’s actually been an outside and needed to rely on her hunting skills.  We’ll see whether she’ll leave me a "present" either on the bed or in someplace in a high traffic area.  Which won’t be fun if I wake up and step on the her gift.

     Some of the dreams that I’ve had the last couple of days have been completely off their rocker (as usual).  Last night’s dream was something like Transformers come Terminator come Indiana Jones.  I think that one was inspired from the Indiana Jones commercials that I’ve caught glimpses of while looking up at the televisions at work.  Particularly the part where he fires the LAW through the front of the deuce and a half that he’s in.  Oh!  Then there was the part where it was also Stargate SG-1 where this world was being sucked through a wormhole/event horizon that was connected to another world, and was shrinking in size each passing day.  That part of the dream was almost tragic given that the people living on the planet that was shrinking through the event horizon didn’t think that it was the end of their world as they knew it.  I tried to tell them that it was the case and that they should evacuate before the end, but they refused. 
     Last night’s dream was a work-related one where the manager was a complete and utter asshole who said something about my being a ‘sycophant and had me doing back-flips up someone’s ass’, which caused me to wake up saying "Excuse me?!" more loudly than I expected.  I half wanted to go back to sleep to see if I couldn’t reproduce the dream so that I could delete her from my dream because I had that power.  Fortunately for me, when I did fall back to sleep, I was able to change the subject matter of the dream to something completely uneventful and unmemorable.

     Although I’ve noticed with the change of seasons, that it’s becoming more difficult for me to shut off my brain enough to actually fall asleep.  Not entirely sure what the deal is with that, as it’s taking me longer than my usual to fall asleep (up to 10 minutes, instead of the routine 30 seconds).  Kind of annoying particularly given that I’ve gotten used to falling asleep quickly so that I don’t have to deal with the light of day.  Of course, I’m realizing that I’m completely ass backwards because of non-light of dusk is causing me to look at the clock when it said 7:30 and thinking that it’s 7:30 in the morning rather than the evening…  So that might be contributing to the problem…  I’m not entirely sure. 

     Had the talk that I needed to with D last night regarding quite a few of the niggling issues that have been cropping up since we’re coming up on our year and a day, and while I feel that some of it has been addressed, much of it is still sitting in the "waiting to be handled by him" bin (for lack of any better words).  Trust and faith are the key issues in this, and like it or not, he’s got quite a lot of trust and faith issues that he’s got to work out from the last relationships that he’s had (and have gone down the tubes horribly). 
     I admit it’s one of these moments when I’m feeling particularly powerless; given that it has everything to do with his part of the relationship, and there’s really nothing that I can do about it.  And the funny (in that poetically ironic sort of way) is the way that he had hedged some of the things that he had said when he felt like he was put on the spot.  Reminds me entirely too much of the way that I handled walking through the minefields with Rick back when I started pulling away from Rick. 
     Believe me, it hasn’t been easy for me through the last couple of weeks with this; as I’ve been having serious doubts as to whether this is actually going to go anywhere between D and I.  Between the family and the dramas that have pulled him in at least two directions, and his wanting respect from a man that simply doesn’t deserve it, it’s been like this careful walk for him trying not to rock a boat that quite simply needs rocking. 
     He had said to me last night that (in so many words), coming out to his family and friends and telling them that he has a boyfriend that "…everything’s going to change…" 
     Well yeah, things are invariably going to change, regardless of whether or not he comes out of the closet.  However I explained to him that family will come around eventually — particularly given they supposedly love him.  His father?  Well, there’s no winning there, and I tried to explain to him that instead of trying to get his father’s respect, what he needs to do is  demonstrate respect, and if the man can’t give D what he gives to his father, then it’s time to wash his hands of him and move on.  But I don’t think that D’s going to be able to do that just yet.  His beliefs in family and respect are on the ideological side at present, and he hasn’t quite understood that his parents are also human. 
     I know there’s so much more that needs to be addressed when it comes to trust and faith, but I think I’m going to need to be inspired and write them in the form of e-mails to D so that he understands a little bit more.  Sure, I can talk to him, but sometimes the better way to reach someone is through the power of a written word. 
     We’ll see how that goes in the coming week. 

     I finally got creative last night and tried my hand with the newer version of Apophysis that I had downloaded a couple of months ago, and it seems to do some really strange and bizarre things with some of the code and scripts that I had downloaded from the *Apophysis Resource guides (http://apophysis.deviantart.com).  Not to mention that with what little experience that I’ve been acquiring about Python (for Gnome and KDE), the code in it seems a hell of a lot easier to understand.  Did only three of them (four if you include the semi-unique one that I had created for my friend Bejan) which I’ve uploaded to the usual places (MySpace, MSN, Multiply, Flickr, Facebook, DeviantArt).  I might give it another go tonight, once I complete the various housekeeping that I need to do on my drives (cleanup, optimization of running software, etc). 

     Well, that’s about it for the time being.  Off to finish my laundry, do a little cleaning up while I check and recheck the various partitions, and perhaps watch the rest of Farscape: Peacekeeper Wars.  Until the next time.
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Categories: Romance/Relationships
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