Home > Life or something like it > Entry 10/14/2008 10:35:59 PM – Mentat 442

Entry 10/14/2008 10:35:59 PM – Mentat 442

10/15/2008
     I’m reaching the end of my patience when it comes to the issues that D’s been having regarding a re-visit to the left coast, and couple this with the various intimacy and coming out issues, it’s rapidly turning from a slow meandering crawl to complete and utter entropy.  And I’m sick to death of it. I’ve called a "me" night because of it, because in my present mood, I know that I would most probably do something rash; and the odds of me doing something rash the next couple of nights run higher than normal.  So, I think it’s time I take a break, go on a brief sabbatical and try to get my heart and head speaking in the same room.  *grinning* And not necessarily yelling and wanting to throw hissy-fits anyway. 
     I thought on and off while I’ve been cheating my way through Final Fantasy VII that perhaps I should finish up the elements that I’ve been urging D to write about and doing it in my own journal.  It was when I got to "Trust" that I had this crisis of the heart and decided that it would be best to speak to D about it.  Yeah, that went well.  Christ, while we didn’t once raise our voices or get antagonistic, I was under the clear impression I was fighting a battle of stubbornness because he didn’t want to go to the places that he’s already covered one more time.  *shrugs*  While the conversation did end on a better note, I thought about it for the remainder of the night; which is when I had a change of heart about everything and fell into this slump. 
     So here’s where I am at the moment.  Multitasking by listening to my iPod, watching the folk chat in Boston, and working on a couple of Apo fractals, and sitting here trying to work through this funk, and pondering whether I should continue with the entry elements, or if I should just sign off, play more and just slack and slouch.  Heh, of course if I do that I should also do my laundry tonight and get it out of the way.  But you know as well as I; that when I’m in such a funk all I do is slouch and slack. 

     *sighs* I just don’t know.
     Oh, and to make things more interesting, Indian Summer has hit, with weather in the mid to upper 50s at night, with the temps someplace in the upper 60s through to the mid 70s.  Yay!  Love it!  Of course, it doesn’t mean anything to me during the day really given that’s the time I’m usually unconscious with my face mashed into a pillow and drooling.  But at least the cat’s not trying to dig under the covers because of it, which means I get to sleep relatively uninterrupted through the night (day). 
     Let’s see, got my new messenger bag in from Manhattan Portage (http://www.manhattanportage.com/catalog/Messenger-Bags/Expandable-Messenger/112), and while it’s twice the size of the original (man-purse) I had picked up a couple of years ago, I think it’s a bit small for my needs.  Particularly given that I’ve been finally considering whether or not I should get a notebook for those times when I want to write something without worrying about using company equipment to do it in the process.  Had my eyes on either MSI Wind or something equally small.  Anyway, back to the bag…  Surprisingly it does fit everything that I need to pack, right down to the sunglass and glasses cases, lunch, and everything else that I have in my backpack.  Not to mention like the mustard yellow field medic/messenger bag that I have, it’s expandable, which means it can double the compartment size as well.  About the only thing that it won’t fit is the water bottle come iced coffee bottle that I’ve been using through the summer, but that’s all right as I won’t be picking up iced coffee for that much longer given with the weather changes, the last thing I want to do is drink iced coffee when it’s freezing out.  I might be a hard core New Englander and drink it year round, I just won’t be carrying it/drinking it through the snow.
     So anyway — back to the thought of a notebook.  Like I said I’ve been thinking of it.  I haven’t been agonizing over it quite the same way as I did last year when I was considering re-acquiring a mobile.  Hell, I’ve been thinking of trashing the mobile I’ve got now and upgrading to a Blackberry Phone (not sure of the model, and not looking it up at the moment) if only because I talk so little on the phone (maybe 20 minutes a week most) and text and instant message more…  Jeez, given the ratio, I practically live and breath on text and instant messaging.  Of course, I don’t get quite the amount of personal mail that I used to, as it seems to be more and more along the lines of technical whitepapers, informational snippets and the almost daily flooding from the relatives on e-mail that’s been recycled since the time that I’ve been getting e-mail. 
     The reason why I’ve been thinking of the MSI has to do with the fact that the one that I had been eyeing for under $500 also comes with a Sony Memory Stick reader which would be helpful for transferring the pictures from the Digi-Cam to either my computer or online quickly and easily.  Given that it also comes with a 120 GB hard drive, doesn’t hurt the matter.  I thought that there would be a problem with the RAM, but I went to MSI’s site and it would appear that they allow for 512MB/1GB which is pretty damned good, given that it’s running Windows XP Home.  So, I’ll keep mulling about it until the Christmas Season and either make up my mind then, or just chuck the idea to the side. 

     All right, I’ve dawdled enough. Let me cut through this before I totally slack out on it, and not do it at all. 

     On Respect…

     Like love, respect requires truth and honesty, however unlike love, it doesn’t carry with it the physical, mental or emotional intimacies.  Instead, respect is founded in morality and ethics.  In order to garner respect from other people, one needs to be an "Honest Broker" along with a slice of being able to be discrete when the need calls for it.  Integrity is another element necessary for respect to be garnered.  Love sometimes forgets what it means to have respect, because of the lines between self and not-self often get blurred through years of intimacy, but when it doubt, even in love one needs to understand the respect of borders both personal and interpersonal. 
     With respect, sometimes one needs to give a little of respect to someone, sight unseen, in order to get respect back.  However, unlike love which should be given unconditionally, respect does in fact come with conditions.  When integrity, truth and honestly go by the wayside, respect should be withdrawn.  Like love, one needs to have some self-respect in order to give respect to others.  However, lacking self-respect doesn’t always mean that one lacks respect; for respect can often be founded in obligation and conducted with manners in order for respect to have an honest feel to it. 
     I can’t stress enough the need for honesty and a clear moral compass in order for respect to work.  And surprisingly enough can’t go into the detail like I can for love, considering that I’m more Spartan in my approach to respect. 

     On Trust…

     It shouldn’t be too surprising that Trust and Faith are very closely intertwined and sometimes interchangeable.  I’ve often wondered that the reason for this has to do with my family that faith is such an integral part of our upbringing.  About the only difference that I’ve been able to find between Trust and Faith is that Trust is tested, where as Faith remains untested.  As one of my favorite sayings goes: 

     Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
     Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.
     Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.
     Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
     Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
     But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. — Buddha. 

     Trust is based on this approach.  Faith as well, but faith often will take it in blindly (or rather untested) before trust will test it and hand back whether it’s something that is valid for trust (and faith).  And like respect, it sometimes has be to given to someone without testing them of their ability or their word, and contains conditions based on the continued giving of itself. 

     That’s about it for the moment.  I’m off to finish up on a couple of fractals that I’ve been working on and then watch a movie or two…  Until the next time.
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