Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 10/19/2008 09:54:26 AM – Mentat 443

Entry 10/19/2008 09:54:26 AM – Mentat 443

10/19/2008
     I think I would’ve had a better night’s sleep had I not had it interrupted toward the end of the night with not one, but two nightmares. Ugh. The first was something to do with someone that I was protecting that got the back of his head taken off with a light saber by someone that looked remarkably like Darth Vader. I woke up immediately after this part of the nightmare and with it being about 3 in the morning, was able to fall back to sleep. The second dream that turned into a nightmare (and that I remember more of), was that I had gone to the airport to pick someone up. Their flight had been postponed for several hours and I said that I would return when the flight actually came in. I went back to the house, and there instead of having just the Hellbeast, I had two other cats; an older long-haired, and an exceptionally large Ocicat.
     My Hellbeast didn’t want to be bothered during the dream and I remembered that she was in one of the other rooms, quietly hiding under the covers on the couch. The Ocicat and the long-haired were in the attic where I had been checking on something and decided on biding my time there. The Ocicat was amusing and very playful in spite of its size and strength.
     I went to the airport again to try to pick up the person that I was waiting for, and found out that the flight had been canceled, so getting back to the house I found that all the cats were missing. The long-haired was forgotten, the Ocicat was hiding under the bed for some reason… And the Hellbeast? I found her half-chewed up, next to dry cat food vomit that the Ocicat left in one of the rooms.
     I realized that the Ocicat being extraordinarily large thought that my cat was prey; hunted and killed it.
     Feeling saddened by this, I pet my cat a little bit, her head moved and she was still alive.
     Christ I couldn’t wake myself up fast enough from this dream. And unfortunately, I know precisely why I had the elements in this dream: the meeting of the person at the airport is D. The other is the fact that when I was walking home yesterday from work, I had come across a road-killed small all-black cat along the side of the road.
     Unfortunately, at the time that I had the dream was around 4:30 in the morning, so I couldn’t fall right back to sleep like I normally would toward the middle of the night. At least I got a little sleep though, even though when the alarm went off at the usual time, I was cranky and more than a little drag-assed about it.

     *takes a deep breath* Yeah, I know… The dream is a clear indication of unresolved issues regarding the discussion I had with my last journal entry and D. To be frank, I tried to think about it on the way into work, but the fact of the matter was, I really couldn’t keep focused on it long enough to feel as though I could come to any clear resolution on what I’ve been feeling. What I did think about though during parts of the walk to work hasn’t exactly been comforting.
     It doesn’t make it any easier, given that I decided on buying Beautiful Thing during my last Amazon run, and being reminded of the differences (and similarities) I have with D. Not to mention that with that movie, I found some striking similarities between the movie and real life. For example — D’s reactions since the last time I had talked with him — are entirely too much like Ste (Scott Neal); with my reactions being more akin to Jamie (Glen Berry).
     Unfortunately for me, getting D to actually get and/or watch the movie is much akin to getting the Patriot Act rescinded. And because of this, it’s been contributing to the other niggling issues that I’ve had going through my head the last week.
     Other things that I’ve had going through my head are that because he doesn’t trust his instincts, his heart or me; at first opportunity to prove whatever love he has for me, he won’t be able to. That he won’t even try, and that he’ll just walk away. That he’ll just let it all go because he believes that to be the most respectful thing to do. That ultimately, he’ll continue to want to keep things the same instead of working for something more than what he’s got.
     Damn it… we’re coming up on a year, and I don’t see this going anywhere for another two. And that is really disheartening. I mean, how much longer do I have to wait before he snaps out of this rut that he seems to be in and wants more? *sighs* As I said, it’s not encouraging.
     I know I have to meditate more on this. I’m going to go another week.

     Well, that’s about it for the time being. There’s more to write, but at the moment, I’m just not in the mood. Until the next time.

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Categories: Romance/Relationships
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