Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 10/26/2008 01:15:09 AM – Mentat 446

Entry 10/26/2008 01:15:09 AM – Mentat 446

     All right, so I’m really beginning to like this notebook that I bought. So much so that I’ve made the decision to buy a wireless router so that when my aunt and uncle go on vacation in Aruba, I’ll be able to “occupy the house” for a couple of hours during my days off and watch something on television while at the same time see what’s going on, online. Well that and being able to slouch in the bed while listening to one of my favorite Streaming radio stations that I’ve got programmed here (particularly DI.fm). I thought that I was going to have a difficult time with the keyboard on this, given it’s pretty small — but surprisingly about the only problems that I’ve had with the notebook has been the touch pad (which is directly in the place where I tend to rest my thumbs or the palms of my hands) and causes it to react to whatever I did touching it. Fortunately for me, it’s pretty easy to shut off when I’m working on some hardcore typing (like I’m doing right now), so it doesn’t try to get all intuitive and intrusive with it’s reaction to touch.
     I also had fun yesterday and this morning finally figuring out how to use the Wireless NIC card; which no sooner than I got home found out that my next door neighbor’s router is still unsecured, and I was able to access it and the Internet simply by choosing it. So far, he’s got the router locked, but I’m wagering that the username and password as still set to the default, so it shouldn’t take me too long to figure it out, reprogram it and give the router a name like, "please learn to protect me, Leon" or something along that line. *smirking* I swear too many people need a lesson in how to secure their networks — especially home users. And especially my next door neighbor who I had done this to several times two years ago. At least the other neighbor to me who has a wireless network had the decency to set his up WPA2 secure. Which makes a person like me in security extremely happy.
     Although I’ve been able to get this computer pretty loaded up from the tools that I use on the desktop, I’ve been feeling sort of naked without access to my usual Microsoft Office tools. So far it hasn’t been too much of a problem, as I’ve been able to successfully load up OpenOffice on this machine, as well as a PIM equivalent to Outlook (open source/freeware) called Spicebird. What makes that interesting is the fact that Spicebird’s programming backbone is in fact Firefox/Mozilla, and even seems to make the same calls as Firefox does when it comes to the configuration (e.g., about:config). So far I’m liking it, in spite of the fact that I’ve found one quirk that I’m finding a bit on the annoying side… Seems that when it’s saving to drafts, it’s saving them as version, and working on an e-mail for about an hour has yielded about 12 revisions within the drafts box — or more if I’m forcing saves for the draft. But so far, it’s meeting most of my expectations. Would be nice if when I’m in offline mode that the mail is moved to the Unsent folder waiting to go out, rather than giving me all sorts of errors. But I think that might have to do with the way I set up my G-Mail account which I might take the traditional approach of a POP3, instead of the hybrid setup that I’ve had both in it, and in Thunderbird.
     Because of this, this is another reason why I took the dive on getting a router for my notebook and desktop. So that I can share out the CD drive and load up Microsoft Office from the CD. I’ve been having problems with creating an ISO of the disk (something about a DLL that seems to be protected on the machine. I might give it a try to create an ISO of it from Linux, just to see whether it’s something proprietary with Windows and XP or whether it’s a legitimate problem with the CD that I have. Well that and the other reason is that I want to make a copy of all my music from iTunes so that when I’m traveling, I can sync up my iPod from it. In case I decide on downloading music from the store while I’m on the road and/or vacationing someplace. God, it’s hard to imagine that I’ve got someplace in the vicinity of 17 GB of music (both backed up and bought from iTunes) capable of playing back to back more than 9 days straight.

     So, in my last journal entry I had said that I wanted to hold off chatting with D for another week while I had meditated on some of the issues that I’ve been having with his decisions, when as usual, had been in one of the chat areas that I frequent and came across someone that caused me to think. Don’t remember the man’s name, but he had come into chat to get away from the feelings of pain that he was experiencing because he was going to be burying his boyfriend on Friday (last Friday). It was one of those sort of things people do to forget their world for a moment and be distracted with something else.
     The instant that it was moving back to reality was when he decided on closing up and shutting me out, and trying his damnedest to get as much emotional distance as possible. I swear listening to him talk about that and trying to distract himself from the pain, reminded me all too acutely what I had gone through more than twenty years ago, and snapped me into action. I realized that I needed answers and the only way I would is to hit D up to talk with him.
     I got to talk with him on Wednesday; although it wasn’t under the best conditions. First off, he had been out helping a friend move all day, and by the time that he got back, he had taken a pain killer. Which meant that in 20 minutes after taking the pill he was going to be relatively loopy and giggling over the simplest things. Then there was the fact that it was at a respectable time, which meant that he had to slither down to his room so that his family didn’t snoop on the conversation. Then couple these two things with the fact that his room hasn’t been heated and he was pretty exhausted, and it was fight for him between wanting to pass out, giggle at the simplest things, or having his teeth chattering because of how cold it was in his room.
     Without going into much of the details (mainly because I can’t remember them all), By the next day, I was feeling like a complete fool. The reason why I feel like a fool has to do with the fact that in all this time, I feel as though I’ve been building a house of cards. While I’ve been thinking that the two of us were trying to work for something, what he’s been doing has been filling an emotional void and basically accepting the fantasy of a relationship. When things began returning to reality, he realized that it was no longer a fantasy and began clamming up and shutting me out in the process. Now that he’s completely shut me out, he’s basically wanting to return to the way things were — all in the imagination and in a fantasy world.
     I’ve been in a pretty shitty mood since about Thursday morning partially because I want to confront this, partially because I know that it’s going to take more than 10 minutes. While I’ve been trudging along through it waiting for the opportunity to talk to him about this, I had taken the time to write a sort of draft e-mail. It’s sort of a "I’m going to fight for it" come sort of "Dear John". Yeah I know, piss or get off the pot. The thing is though, it’s more a fight than a run. It’s going to stay in my drafts for the time being until I actually talk to D about this house of cards before I make a decision, one way or another.
     So right now, between D and I, it’s a wait and hold… Which I can’t stand give that I’m usually one that likes action over inaction.

     I’ve also been thinking a little about something that D’s repeated to me several times during these talks… About I can make something sound "so easy". In a way he’s right, I can make it sound incredibly easy. Most of the reason why is because I’ve applied myself to learning it, and gaining the experience, will continue to apply myself. Honestly though, I know it’s not. There are some issues that we’ve discussed (commitment for example) which has taken me years to get over. And while I tell him over and over again that just because I can make it sound easy, doesn’t mean for once that I don’t realize that it really is.
     I guess I didn’t fully realize that with confidence comes the ability to talk it out clearly enough that it makes sense simply. Eh, well that and it’s probably the fact that he’s making it entirely too difficult to begin with.

     As for everything else… Had a wonderful time getting wet on the way into work. While I didn’t get soaked like the time I was walking from Cumberland Mall to work when I was living in Atlanta (which was a mile walk and the floodgates of heaven opened up on me from the moment I got off the bus, until I actually got into work), it certainly felt as though it did. 40 – 60 MPH gusts of wind, and drizzle/light rain driving into me. It’s 5 hours later and my shoes are still sort of wet from that walk. Ugh! I think the more annoying thing is that it was only raining by the time I got to Douglas Pike and stopped raining the instant I got off of it. Prior to that it was nothing more than a light mist, and once I got off the Pike, it had stopped raining entirely. But not without looking sort of like a wet rat in the process.

     That’s about it for the time being. Until the next time.

Categories: Romance/Relationships
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