Home > Uncategorized > Entry 10/28/2008 07:37:23 AM – Mentat 447

Entry 10/28/2008 07:37:23 AM – Mentat 447

     "Hi everybody, my name is Mary and I used to be a bipolar crack-addict.  But now I’m just bipolar…" <applause>

     God that line just cracks me up listening to it when Adam goes to the Midnight Crack Meeting after being out at one of the local bars and Mary (Sally Kirkland) says that at the beginning of the meeting (and the beginning of the scene).  Yeah, I’m watching this movie again because I didn’t have anything else better to do, and I forgot that I dropped Transformers near the desk last week, and it got buried under the discs for Final Fantasy VII.  So instead of watching that (which I will), I decided on going LGBT; if only to remind myself of the path that I’ve come. 
     There are times I wish I could describe that path that I’ve walked…  The years of experience on the outside looking in…  The times when I knew what was going on…  The times when I was involved…  And now that I’ve become reclusive and have been for some years now, wondering whether or not I want to try to get involved with it once again.

     When I was at work the other day, Joe and I were talking a little bit and he made a comment about me "…liking the drama…"  and I’ve been thinking about that for the last couple of days.  I sometimes think that we’ve become so sensitive to the thought of drama that we try to run from it whenever possible.  And those that cut through it are either drama queens or live for the drama.  And looking into the community and all the profiles out there, and the use of the word "laid back" seems to have an entirely different meaning.  It’s out there…  You can see it in profiles on gay.com, guys4men, Buzzen, wherever queerfolk congregate, chat, meet, and try to hook up.  More and more profiles between the ages 22 – 40 are having it someplace within the first two sentences of their ‘about me’.  I’m seeing it also getting into those older people’s profiles too… 
     It’s like the word "butch".  The community has become so polemicized against the thought of anything less than absolutely masculine that it’s called effeminate.  Which is ironic given that most of the men that say that they’re butch are also the ones that try so hard to hide anything remotely effeminate that to me they’re the most Mary of the bunch.  As a friend in the south once said, "the instant they open their mouths, out pops a Gucci purse."  Wrists are meant to
     So with the words "laid back" I don’t see an avoidance I of drama.  Hell I don’t see taking control.  What I see are people so scared of taking control of anything that they’re going to out of their way and run from it at first opportunity.  And anyone that will handle it, are considered "drama queens" because they apparently must love it.  Do I love it?  No.  But then again I don’t see it as drama.  I see it as living.  Life has its ups, its downs, its moments of tranquility, and of course its moments of challenge.
     My grandmother once said to me that you have to take the bad with the good.  That you cannot have one without the other.  Someplace during these talks she had told me that sometimes it’s going to take more than a day to work out issues, that sometimes it’s going to take weeks, and sometimes months to get through a rough moment to get back to the good.  To cut one out diminishes those things that one values most.  As it’s said, one cannot have good without evil. 

     There is of course, a reason for this discussion about drama at work.  It’s a continuation of the discussion from the last couple of entries.  I think it can be summed up from another line from Adam & Steve that I happened to have been watching while I was working out this whole "laid back" crap within the community. 

     You know I am tired…  I am tired of fighting you and the whole world just so that I can have something as radical and subversive as a fucking boyfriend…  Fuck you Steve!  I might be damaged goods but I am goods nonetheless…

     Harsh I know…  At the moment though I’m feeling justified in it’s use because I’m tired of feeling used and used up.  Every time I try to work this out the issues with him, its something else.  A roadblock…  An obstacle…  Or just plain headstrong stubbornness.  *sighs* 
     This time it’s because he’s sick again.  Virus of some sort according to what he’s telling me.  He’s sick, unable to talk or talking is strained.  Haven’t talked to him because I had about five minutes of text chatting with him last night, but if I recall he still has his tonsils which means he’s probably got some form of tonsillitis.  At least he’s gotten better about going to doctors as he’s got an appointment today to get antibiotics or something to take care of the problem. And hopefully tonight we’ll be able to talk for a while. 

     I just don’t know.  I understand many of the reasons that he does what he does.  Why he fights the way that he fights.  To me it is both foolish, and prideful.  While it’s justifiable, at the same time, I can’t help but think that the only reason why he’s fighting is because he’s afraid of living and loving.  It’s like…  From my perspective I see him at the precipice between taking that leap of faith, or backing off until the next time when he’ll be ready. 
     It’s the wait though that always gets me.  It’s the biggest thing that wears me down.  It starts from the inside because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, and must stand by and wait for someone else — D — to make up his mind and his heart.  And so with that, being left to my own devices, the energy and the fight that I’m capable of, tires me. 

     Well, it’s almost time for me, and I need to get some sleep.  I’ll definitely write more when I’m rested and I’ve picked up a couple of things for the cat tonight.  Until the next time.

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