Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 10/29/2008 10:54:08 PM – Mentat 448

Entry 10/29/2008 10:54:08 PM – Mentat 448

     All right, so I’m waking up here, doing my laundry and sitting on what feels like a potential bomb in more ways than one.  So I got the router in, I was able to share out the CD/DVD drive so that I could load up a copy of Office onto the machine, if only to be able to make copies of my OneNote Folder from my Desktop to my laptop so that it’ll be easier to track which journal entries I’m on, not to mention keeping the formatting pretty uniform.  I mean I liked the use of OpenOffice on my laptop, but the problem is that there are still more than a few bugs still to work out with it.  Like my use of ellipses within my journal.  No matter what I did to get the auto-corrections to work, it wouldn’t replace the ellipses like it should.  And then there was it’s nasty habit of changing out the dashes in spite of me disabling that feature. 
     And I admit that I tried looking for an alternative for OneNote that was freeware, but couldn’t turn up anything that I personally liked.  EverNote (http://evernote.com/) came close, but the problem that I had with it was that it wanted me to create a free account up on the EverNote server, which I was loathe to do.  I mean there are parts of my journal that are not to be published, if only for the sensitivity of the information within it, and the last thing I wanted to do is make copies of it on someone else’s server.  So that was deleted outright without so much as a test drive because of it. 
     Heck, I even dumped Spicebird, given that I’ve got Office 2003 on the laptop.  There was no need for the redundancy, given that I’ve got everything and the kitchen sink in Outlook.  Plus Outlook had one ability that use sporadically that Spicebird didn’t: Journaling for calls, meetings, etc. 
     So I got the Router set up properly with WPA2 encryption, and with a password generated that will take anyone with a cracker utility a long time to figure out.  And unlike my next door neighbor, have a password set on the Admin Panel that’s going to take some time for anyone with a cracker utility to get access to it.  I might change the visibility status if only to keep people from trying to figure it out.  About the only thing that I don’t like about it is the fact that any changes with it means that the router needs to perform a reset.  At least though it allows for queuing up the changes for a restart, which is certainly a perk. 

     Ugh, BRB…  I forgot I was working on an e-mail to Jeannie that got interrupted for other reasons… 

[Last Edited: 10/30/2008 05:00:46 AM]

     And a whole lot of game playing, and hours later I’m back to working on this.  Funny thing that…  Even though I had finished my laundry (and it’s currently sitting there in the basket waiting for me to fold it), I decided that a majority of my day today would be dedicated to the complete and utter slacking of game play — be it online or offline.  Did pretty well with it during Diablo II although I admit that I know I’m setting myself up for disappointment again with the Amazon, given that I usually take it badly during Stage II of the individual play.  I’m also thinking that when I’m through with this entry, I’m going to go off and fold my clothes and then after that tear through Final Fantasy again from beginning to end without any cheating or shortcuts whatsoever. It’s a good way of passing the time, not to mention allows me to remember the pain and agony of playing the very first one on the NES that took me some outrageous amount of time to cut through. 
     Yeah, the very first one had a horrible glitch in it that got fixed in subsequent versions.  That was — if you killed the monster with one character and you have the other characters focused on it, they attacked air.  God, was that frustrating playing that some years back when it first came out.

     So the e-mail that I responded to from my friend Jeannie was pretty easy to deal with, although the e-mail that followed it that she mailed out to the world certainly raised an eyebrow.  She had gotten from a liberal friend of hers from http://www.cnnbcvideo.com a personalized message with her name in it that seems to be supporting Obama (in that her not voting because of not making it to the polls or some such let McCain win).  She didn’t find it the least bit amusing, to the point where some of the things that she said in the e-mail has me concerned about whether she’s taking things a bit more seriously than she should.  I know that she’s an independent, but there are just some things that she’s been fact-finding on that make me wonder if the independent that she is has gone to the conservative side this time through.
     But then again as I’ve been watching the political climate through this year’s election, and I’m wondering if we (as American Citizen) have become entirely too over-sensitive because of the amount of hate, sludge and utter and complete bullshit that’s been thrown around since the beginning of the campaigning season.  And like the folk in gay.com, I don’t think we’ll see the end of it once it’s been determined who’s been chosen for the next President of the United States.   In fact, I think it’s going to continue for months afterward. 

     I had a talk with D last night for a little while, in spite of the fact that he was tired and sick.  Not sure what the problem is, and he didn’t really go into the details of his doctor’s visit, other than he telling me that it was a virus.  He tried to talk through why things had turned the way that they did and I found myself feeling right for some of the reasons why he had shut me out and gone into himself the way that he did.  It had to do with commitment issues.  But it also had to do with a foolish pride.  Jesus, the amount of foolish pride that he had is astounding.  From the thought that he had relied on me so much, to my trying to get him to find the good points about himself that he refused to see and thinking instead what I had asked him to do was nothing more than me working on him like a project…  Couple all this with this completely fantastic and impossible to accomplish idea of love and relationships, and once the magic is gone, it’s completely over, and well…  It’s a wonder what we had between the two of us lasted as long as it had. 
     Of course, he pulled the "let’s just be friends because I’m not sure I could ever regain the feelings that I had before May". 
     Of course, I pulled "it’s all or nothing" — I don’t go for this "let’s be friends" when I’ve been intimate with someone as I have never dealt well with being relegated to the back seat of "friends" when I’ve been someone’s boyfriend. 
     So right now, it’s a reprieve.  Two weeks until the next time we talk.  Two weeks time because that’s usually how long it takes him to get well enough to being able to stay up during the hours when he’s free of the family to discuss the issues and problems that are going on between the two of us.  We’ll see where this goes the next time…  Right now though, there’s only today. 

     How I’m feeling after that discussion is that my decision is still remaining in the realm of "good-bye, I’m moving on."  D’s got a whole lot of issues that he needs to work through among which is trust, faith and getting rid of that nonsensical pride that says, "it’s bad to rely on anyone other than myself" and feeds into trusting no one, least of all self.  I’m also extremely disillusions by this, given that during the last part of the week on my way into work, I ran the entire gamut of emotions based entirely on paranoid abandonment issues by the lack of response I got from D while he was sick. 
     But then again, this might be my own pride talking, particularly given that I’m tired of being looked at as though I choose boyfriends for the projects that they are.  Maybe the two weeks will be a good time for me to sort through my feelings as well and re-evaluated the choices that I have made and get through some of the harder emotions I’ve currently steeled myself with. 

     Well, it’s just past 6 am, and I have clothes to fold.  Until the next time.

Categories: Romance/Relationships
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