Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 11/10/2008 11:40:20 PM – Mentat 451

Entry 11/10/2008 11:40:20 PM – Mentat 451

11/11/2008
     I don’t know what to make of this movie…  At moments it’s witty, charming and tries its best to portray the ups and downs of forming a relationship between men.  On the other, it’s bourgeois a waste of the DVD that it was pressed on, and is clearly so choppy and the flow between the actors so stilted and wooden, it makes me wonder whether the snippet of a review that I read about the director/writer (and producer) should’ve read the Screenwriting for Dummies book along with the Directing for Dummies book that he read during his directing this piece of "work".  There’s elements within this story are so freaking trite, it makes me want to search out the whiskey in the kitchen and drink myself into a stupor to see whether this movie will make more sense than it would as sober.  *sighs*  Ah!  Here it is…  the moral of the story…  I was wondering when I was going to get to it.  It’s an interesting moral, but at the same time, I think it’s a bit too…  utilitarian and pragmatic for the likes of me.  Too bad about Adam’s accent, fake as it is. 
     So just about everything that I ordered is shipping now, which means I should have a replacement DVD drive by tomorrow.  The boots should be in sometime by the end of the week, and the movie and TV DVDs that I also ordered should be in by the weekend.   Woo…  Although I’m still thinking that the problem is with the MBR given that I realized as I was sitting there and saw the e-mail confirmation about the shipment that the floppy drive hasn’t been working either (although it works when certain problems are at root level access — like the Anti-Virus program).  Which I’m wondering whether I should work out reformatting the drive and keeping it XP only.  Yeah, I’m back to thinking about removing Linux from a dual-boot partition, using WUBI instead, as it’s rare for me to use Linux (be it Ubuntu or Kubuntu) since working in a Windows exclusive shop.  Although it might be possible to set my notebook up with it as well, providing I can find myself an ISO loader that actually works.  I’ll think about it for the next couple of weeks, and when Thanksgiving rolls around, I’ll make my decision then as it’s going to take more than a couple of days to work through a re-installation and see if the MBR is fixed through a repartition and reformat.  And besides, I have my talk with D that’s supposed to be coming up day after tomorrow which while I think I could pull it off on the notebook, would rather have a more comfortable seat at the desk than either in the bed or at my aunt & uncle’s while watching the cat. 

     Heh, speaking of, because LTR wouldn’t work on my DVD drive, I’m sitting here at their place watching it, giving their cat the illusion that someone’s in the house.  Heh, and I thought my heathen Hellbeast was a pain in the ass.  There he is at the sliding glass door and trying to get up on the desk to get my attention to let him out.  Unlike my aunt though, I can effectively ignore it to the point where he gets the message, wanders back to my aunt’s bedroom and lays down to take another cat-nap.  At least, my cat isn’t too jealous about all this and I even got to spend some lap-time with the heathen before she got tired of me and being excessively warm and wanted her alone time. 

     So, as I sit here and the movie wraps itself up to what I can only sense is going to be a completely cliché ending, I have quite a few trepidations about this Wednesday and my time with D.  I don’t know whether I’m up for what that conversation’s going to bring.  I feel like I’m walking the razor’s edge which is like a cliff between two paths in life.  One path that is going to lead me into the unknown…   Well, not so much the unknown, but rather the path that I’m most familiar with — the seeking.  That path which is the one of the bachelor, the romantic, the having to re-learn the dance all over again.  On the other…  I honestly see the path that this would take — the path of compromise, and working things out, and healing the apparent rift that has developed since May. 
     Seriously, given what I saw the last two times we had reached the point, I can see D thinking through it and instead of trusting his heart in making the decision that makes him happy, he’s going to do what we all do at that age — take the path of the most pain because it’s the easiest to understand and is the habit to follow.  And me?  The other morning when I woke up and was getting ready for work, I honestly felt that we had reach the end of the line of where this…  relationship…  was going between the two of us.  That this was always going to be nothing more than intimate and platonic and that it wouldn’t develop to anything more because of lack of trust, and lack of self-esteem. 
     Because of this conclusion, I know that I’ve been bracing myself for the worst in this.  If it can honestly be considered the worst.  How is the end of a relationship be considered the worst for something that had so many difficulties to start?  Particularly given that this time around, I’ve reached the end of allowing D to hurt me in any way as he broke my heart the first time back in December, and disappointed me the second time around in May.  This time though?  *shaking my head* either it’s because I’m numb or made myself numb because of all this, or I’ve simply stopped allowing myself to feel through this trial.  By stopping the feeling, I mean the pain, the disappointment and perhaps the heartache that will come from this once it’s over and done with. 

     Will we remain friends after this?  My history says no.  My feelings say the same.  The level of intimacy that we had shared, even if it were platonic makes it damned difficult for me to take to the back seat, and my pride refuses to find myself there as well.  Couple this with the complete lack of trust that he had shown me since May also makes it impossible for me to want to remain friends.  If one cannot trust their friends with intimate information, then have they truly been friends to begin with?  My experience says, "no".  So why continue a sham of a friendship? 

     Well, I think that’s about it for the time being.  Off to watch a little bit more LOGO and then work a little bit on re-starting one of my many games, if only to pass the time.  Oh, and the end of the movie?  Completely cliché.  I definitely need something liquor to drink to have survived it.  Ugh.  Until the next time.

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Categories: Romance/Relationships
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