Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 11/14/2008 12:50:16 AM – Mentat 452

Entry 11/14/2008 12:50:16 AM – Mentat 452

11/14/2008
     It has been officially ended with D as of last night… 
     While I feel a moderate amount of frustration and anger about it, I know that I was pretty well prepared for it for the last couple of weeks.  Still though, I can’t help but feel as though I’ve been just a shade burned through all this.  And while this has finally come to a horrible and disappointing end, I can’t help but feel as though D’s going to be basically reinventing the wheel as we almost all do in going through pain, regret and disappointment because of personal issues.  And it just confuses the living shit out of me why people through stubborn and foolish pride need to learn the exact same mistakes we all do when it comes to the heart and relationships… 
     But no matter really.  Speculation and trying to understand isn’t going to change the end results — and the end results are that I’m once again single.  While it wasn’t as devastating as it was when Will and I went out separate directions not once but twice, at the same time I feel as though I’m sitting in a sort of emotional vacuum between wanting to be depressed about it, and having a typical British "fuck all" to the way this all crashed and burned.

     So the typical and almost post mortem question that I have at the moment is — "Where do I go from here?"

     Damn it, I know I’m ready to date, and have something more than simply something casual, long-distance, or so riddled with issues that I’m looking through past issues of Time-Life rather than simply living life.  In the past, I’ve usually tried to set for myself some sort of guidelines instead of going at something all blasé or willy-nilly.  This time, I really don’t want to at all and simply accept what comes my way based on years of experience on what I want and need instead of setting out for what I would want this time around. 
     However, one of the major problems that I have with this is the fact that I work nights.  Not to mention that my typical days off are the first three days of everyone else’s work week.  Not exactly the best sort of nights to have a date on given that most folk don’t like going out on a date on a Monday, and Wednesday while being "boys night out" for some — at my age I’m not exactly up for re-immersing myself into the drama at the bars and pubs.
     And while sitting here today and on and off during D’s recuperation from the virus, while I find myself coming up with a slew of excuses against (from winter coming up, through to the distances to travel), at the same time I’ve thought about running another personal ad like I used to back in the days (1993 – 1995).  Not entirely sure what that will yield — although technically I had a tad bit less drama meeting people through the New Paper up here than some of the real freaks of nature that I went through when I moved down to Atlanta.  Of course, the fun part is trying to come up with something catchy for it if I do make up my mind to run it. 
     More on that in the days to come. 

     Got myself more than a little tanked last night after the conversation with D, and while I’m just a teensy bit tired from the lack of sleep I got (slept only like 4 1/2 hours) I’m rather surprised that I didn’t wake up with any form of hangover.  Heh, of course I did do quite a lot of water drinking and a couple of aspirin (Tylenol) prior to passing out in bed; which might have helped. Then again, it’s not like I was mixing drinks either which has contributed to hangovers with me in the past.  The only thing about it is that it was with Dewar’s.  Not quite the same as bourbon, but it was close enough for government work. 
     And while having this small "up yours" party that I had last night, decided to watch quite a lot of the movies that I wasn’t able to watch on my own DVD player; namely Broadway Damage, Get Real, and In the Flesh.  Even got to watch a couple of shorts on LOGO as well as a couple of action films: Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and…  god, I can’t remember which movie it was, although I know it’s something I’ve seen before.  Eh, I’ll remember it when I remember it.  Hell, I was in such a mood that I actually watched Broadway Damage twice: once before the conversation, once before I went to bed.  I was just in one of those moods where I found myself relating to what Marc (Michael Shawn Lucas) was going through in the movie (even though I related more to Robert (Aaron Williams) if only because of the geeky factor going on with him). 

      Finally, quite out of the blue I got the impulse to try to re-touch base with Alan from years and years ago.  Now I’m not sure whether or not I’ve mentioned it in my online blogs, but I know that’s been mentioned in my journals in paper.  To make a short story shorter — I had met Alan on Labor Day 1993, through my old college roommate Rick who had set himself up on a personal and Alan had answered.  Unfortunately Alan wasn’t the least of what Rick was looking for, and after a couple of hours of talking with him, Rick had quickly determined Alan had more in common with me.  So in his sly and pragmatic sort of way, he had introduced me to Alan and let things go the way that they would. 
     It was a magical night that night and while no sins (or commandments) had been shattered I had hoped that it would turn into something more.  It hadn’t. 
     When Alan returned back to the state that he had come from (he had come ahead to check out the scene in Atlanta as he was moving there a couple of months later), the fantasy of the romance had crashed and it didn’t get much farther from there.  I had lost touch with him, although at one point between Dan and Rick, I had looked him up to see whether he had actually moved to Atlanta, and whether he had stayed, and by 1999 he was listed in the white pages there. 
     Quite by impulse sometime last year prior to meeting D, I went looking for Alan once again to see if he was still in Atlanta, and sure enough, not only was he, but he had also became a Reverend/Priest.  And tonight, I put together an e-mail to see whether the Alan that I found was the same one that I had that date with back in 1993.
     *grins*  15 years later, I know…  But sometimes curiosity and impulse do get the best of me.  As I’m sure nothing will come of it, as he is a priest, at the same time, I’m curious what brought him to the point of joining the church (can’t say which church as it’ll give it all away).  I mean, I knew he was an ancient and a holy man; I just didn’t quite see him joining.  He didn’t seem the type to like the dogma of a church…  Perhaps if it is him, I’ll ask… 

     That’s about it for the moment.  More to write another time…  Right now it’s almost the end of my lunch, and I need to log back into the phones and perhaps work on a little writing and perhaps some more Apo.  Until the next time.

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Categories: Romance/Relationships
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