Home > Life or something like it > Entry 11/20/2008 05:42:25 AM – Mentat 455

Entry 11/20/2008 05:42:25 AM – Mentat 455

11/20/2008
Entry 11/20/2008 05:42:25 AM – Mentat 455

     *sighs*  Never in my life have I made such a difficult project out of something as simple as writing an e-mail.  It was clear that I was trying too hard, and even after meditating a lot and grounding myself more, it still took me hours to struggle through something that should have been as casual as writing an old friend.  The problem is, as usual forms and formality.  I have never really been all that good in the dance that most people go through when corresponding with someone casually.  Sure I can start casually the first attempt well enough, it’s easiest then.  But the longer stay with the attempt, the more I go into old ways and wanting to plunge headlong into the very heart (and soul) of the questions and curiosity that I have about someone.  While it’s not always the best approach with some people — it’s the path of least resistance for me because I’m so used to following it. 
     Couple this with my experience in the last 4 years of being in control of situations as an over-compensation of the lack of control I had with the 4½ years that I had been with Rick and giving the lead in the e-mail to someone else made it that much more difficult to write.  I feel like I completely dorked out throughout the e-mail I wrote and came off a lot colder and more formal than I wanted to.  But then again, it shouldn’t be too surprising because I’m dealing with issues that had been practically cold more than a decade and a half. 
     That’s not entirely true.  I’ve left it buried and hidden deep within myself, not wanting it to see the light of day for fear of what would’ve happened if Rick were to find out.  God, it would be repeat performance of the time he found out that I found Michael Shanks attractive.  Or that the Erasure song "Spiraling" reminded me of someone else (Tommy, although he never did figure out who, thank the Great Maker it would’ve been another 8 months of constantly bringing it up during an argument whenever he thought he was losing). 

     *banging head against desk*  Heh, people say that when you start getting to mid-life "you can’t teach an old dog new tricks" apparently never met my family who go through almost a second transformation about this time.  I just wished that my family actually gave me a basic roadmap to this instead of telling me after the fact, or allowing me to figure it out for myself and then telling me after the fact. 

     Well, the good thing is that I think I made a valiant attempt at writing that e-mail, and in spite of the coldness in place, think I that it gets the appropriate points across.  Where it goes from here, I have no idea…  And in a way that scares me.  I’m too used to knowing the path things take; partially because I have the will and the ability to lead them there, partially because in spite of my attempts at atrophying my ability, I can still accurately predict a course of events to their logical (or illogical) conclusion. 

     Speaking of which, I’ve been getting my fugue states back again; although they are by far not as disorientating as they used to be when I was younger.  For those that don’t know what kind of state this is, it’s a form of hyper-awareness.  The kind that happens when I’m seeing the future and then experiencing it with equal clarity.  Basically my sugar drops suddenly and then my beta/gamma waves go through the roof and they allow me to see and then experience actions or activities around me.  When I was younger they used to be between 5 seconds to 5 minutes ahead and usually about 30 to 90 seconds long.  I had no way of controlling them and while the fugue state ended, it usually left me disoriented for some minutes afterward.  The worst one was when I was 17 which was about a minute into the future and lasted 5 minutes straight leaving me confused for almost 30 minutes afterward. 
     At one point when I was in high school, I was having them at least once a week, but the car accident when I was 20 had pretty much squelched them from happening, and I was pretty happy for that for a number of years.  But they did eventually return again when I was 30 and I have gone through my bouts of them on and off since. 
     Anyway — so they’re back — but not as bad.  The longest (and most recent) was last Friday night at work, which was 20 seconds ahead and only lasted for about 15 seconds.  And the dizziness and disorientation only lasted for a minute afterward. 
     I don’t know why they’re back either as I’ve been careful about my diet as I usually am, and I have been watching my sugar, potassium and magnesium levels carefully.  I suspect the chain of events that could be causing it, but I don’t want to say just yet.  Here’s to hoping they go away again for a long time. 

     *takes a deep breath, closes his eyes for a moment and listens to the next song in the Trance queue* 

Won’t you guide my restless soul?
Through the fire and the storm
Lead me to a place that I can call my own

Here I’d lost my innocence
But what I feel is heaven sent
Something to believe that I can call my own

This place I found
It lifts my soul
The voice of an angel
Will carry me home

The sun will rise
To guide me there
The voice of an angel
Will carry me home

Leave your demons in the past
A lot of things aren’t meant to last
Cherish every moment that you have right now
Break away from all that’s broken
Listen when your heart has spoken
You have faith in me, and with me, I’ll show you how

This place I found
It relieves my soul
The voice of an angel
Will carry me home

The sun will rise
To guide me there
The voice of an angel to carry me home

— Voice of an Angel
— Matt Darey [ft. Marcella Woods]

     Okay, I feel a little better.  And with that song I’ll keep a lot of things in mind and work some more through those thoughts for the next entry.  Right now, the house is coming to life, my cat’s happy (and drooling) from the attention, I’ve got the happy trance on, and I think I’m going to sort through the t-shirts that I haven’t folded from my laundry today. 

     Until the next time.
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