Home > Life or something like it > Entry 11/21/2008 03:54:17 AM – Mentat 456

Entry 11/21/2008 03:54:17 AM – Mentat 456

     Interesting night it’s been so far…  Woke up around 6:30’ish having gotten all the sleep that I can possibly get, and start going through my morning routine…  Shower, breakfast, getting the notebook synched up, finding something business casual enough to wear (even though I don’t have to wear anything of the sort at night).  By the time I get through everything that I’m supposed to, it’s 7:45 and I’m knackered again and wanting to go back to bed. 
     Checked the weather report, and saw that it said it was 59 degrees and checking through the hourly forecast, saw that it was supposed to be in the low 70s tomorrow, and cursed to myself the insanity of New England Weather.  When I got outside I realized that it was freezing and that I should’ve worn something warmer for work.  Turns out as I was getting into the car and talking to my aunt about it, that I had set my weather report program to Naples, Florida and had a completely blond moment about it.  Rolling my eyes into the back of my head, I set a reminder to change the weather location for the program tomorrow morning so I don’t make that mistake again. 
     Got into the car, and listened to my aunt talk about the wonderfully warm weather that she had experienced while she was in Aruba for the last week.  Heh, yeah she’s home again from her trip and things are falling back into their routines.  I smiled and acknowledged what she was telling me, re-affirming that while that’s nice for the winter, it’s seriously hotter during the summer and not the sort of thing that I’d want to go through for extended periods of time. 
     During the drive I had mulled over some of the thoughts that I said from last night in my last journal entry and one of the things that I’m amazed at is the way that I order and organize memories — particularly when it comes to emotional memories.  For example — I was felt as though I were a basket case not only after I had written that e-mail, but also in my journal entry because in order to backtrack to the feelings that I had 15 years ago, I had to cut through all the crap that I went through with Rick, and even the psycho-stalker Wayne.  The reason behind this has to do with the linear way that I approach remembering things.  Sure, I can make leaps through it when it comes to thinking about a memory in the past.  But in order for me to experience it, I have to follow the emotional tracks from the present to the memory of the past in order to best experience, re-experience, or reflect upon that emotion.  Logically speaking, if I want to remember and re-experience a feeling x-number of years ago, I need to cut through the x-number of years to get to it. 
     Which explains why I tend to remember the details of an event, and then use dramatic tone to convey what it is I experienced at the time, instead of attempting to use emotion in order to garner sympathy.  I’d be an emotional wreck if I tried.  Not to mention have to go through the emotional aftermath that I’m currently going through — feeling like a complete fool in the process.  Well that and the typical feeling of being emotionally vulnerable for a number of days… 
     Heh — this is also why I prefer to keep to myself as much as possible when I do try to go through various soul and emotional searching.  People don’t know how to react to me when I’m going through it, and if they do, they usually see me as a completely intense freak in the process. 

     So at the moment, I’m better…  grounded…  And feeling just a shade self-conscious and foolish simultaneously and wondering whether I should break my promise and remove certain journal entries because of how foolish I feel about that emotional vulnerability…  They’ll probably stay — but it’s just the way I’m feeling at the moment. 

     As I was laying in my bed this morning and realized that it had been some time since I’ve had my last one-on-one at work.  I get in, sit at my desk, take two swigs of coffee, and my manager comes over to ask me to come over to his desk for my one-on-one (aka Monthly Job Performance) when I’ve signed in.  Bracing myself, and being prepared to give a no excuse for my piss poor performance, I thought that I was going to get a worst job performance review than the previous one that I had received.  Turned out, I exceeded in everything and with the exclusion of one call, rated 98% overall.  Apparently I’m once again being harder on myself than I should be.  *breathing a sigh of relief* More than a little relieved about that. 

     Well that’s about it for the time being.  Next week during my time off I’m going to be offline for a couple of days as I’m reimaging the PC, and will be adding in the other DVD drive in the process.  Also I’m still up in the air about whether or not I’m going to be spending Thanksgiving at my mother house.  I’ll discuss the results of that after the holiday.  I’m off for the time being.  I want to work on some writing for this week and will be back after the holiday.  Until then.

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