Home > Life or something like it > Entry 02/04/2009 07:20:26 AM – Mentat 479

Entry 02/04/2009 07:20:26 AM – Mentat 479

     It would seem that I’m having a hell of a time trying to put together this journal entry.  Between the fun that I had filling out the last entry (25 Random Things About Me) to one person asking me a question about one of my 25 things, to some of the drama at work, to some of the dreams that I’ve had, to…  Yeah, it’s a small list but it’s a list that’s had my thoughts going in a million different directions all at the same time.  Tough too, given there’s some thing that I don’t mind talking about here, and at least one thing that I feel that if I don’t handle it correctly will come off as incredibly passive-aggressive and perhaps even vindictive.  But those are the trials and tribulations of someone that’s taken his private journal and put them out for the world to read, and one that I most probably need to explore (and even re-explore)… 

     So the first thing that I want to cover is a question my friend Julia had asked me about from my 25 things…  Who’s Tommy and Damion…  Well, these two men share two things in common.  First is that they came into my life shortly after particularly bad relationships, and both of them I dream about more than I have any other people in my life.  Tommy, I met twenty-five years ago when I was in the Army.  I usually don’t talk too much about him most of the time because it’s such ancient history; although usually when I do is when I’ve had some sort of dream with him sitting there in it being all prophetic or stoically wise in my direction.  About two years ago, another friend of mine — Matty — who’s currently living in Kansas asked me about my first love, and in three separate e-mails put together the story of Tommy and I for him to read.  Last year I decided to put it together in a sort of short-story form and placed it up on my Fiction Press (http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2462882/1/Firsts_in_Love_&_Lust) and Deviant Art (http://mbaldelli.deviantart.com/art/Firsts-In-Love-and-Lust-80246118 )… Deviant Art’s is in PDF format for those of you that like to read on the go with either a Kindle or notebook.  While names were changed to protect the innocent (and the departed), and there is just a little creative editing going on with it — it’s on the mark as to the goings on in my life at that time.  And I personally think it a right kind of ode to what Tommy and I shared in that brief time. 
     And Damion…  Well, Damion’s been talked about in my journals and blogs from about November, 2007 through November, 2008.  Not that it’s hard to figure out really given that I simply used his first initial throughout it all. Who he is, or was, was a wonderful man that re-taught me how to trust again.  Not to mention one of the only men that I knew that I could completely understand some of his poetry as I consider myself a complete philistine when it comes to all forms of poetry.  It was a good time, but as I knew back at the beginning I had no idea where what was going on between Damion and I was going to go.  In the end, just as we were coming up on our one year anniversary, it ended amicably with each of us going our separate ways.
     I miss them both, for reasons that are not remotely related.  With Tommy, I miss his strength and stoic silence.  I miss the way that he smiled at me when it was just he and I together in the woods someplace on base, or in our room when Glenn was away at the school working through an assignment.  I miss the gallant way he was protective.  With Damion, I miss his laugh, and the way we could spend time together in each other’s company without a care in the world, or without anything important to talk about.  I miss the way that his accent would change from California dude-like to a Deep-South Alabaman either because he was tired, or because some movie we’re watching that’s set in the South.   I also miss the charming way he would get self-conscious about his accent change thinking that I’d despise him because of it, when it reminded me of the better times I had in Atlanta. 
     So that’s who Tommy and Damion are…  And when it’s just me, the Hellbeast, and some movie that I have playing in the dead of night when everyone else on the Eastern Seaboard are happily asleep and I’m in the middle of my lazy afternoons, I often find myself thinking of one or the other sometimes missing them terribly. 

     Anyway, the rest of my life.  The motherboard’s been shipped off to ASUS for checking and/or replacing last Thursday.  They’ll be getting it into their RMA facility tomorrow, with a 10-day turn around.  Woo.  This should be fun, this means I won’t be putting the Frankenstein back together until sometime by the end of the month, and hopefully within that time, I’ll have it up and running before my trip to San Francisco.  *crosses fingers* 
     The trip’s been completely paid for, which means it’s confirmed.  Woo..  I’m looking forward to that; hopefully it won’t be quite as wet and gray as it was when I was in Seattle last year.  I also worked out with a camera company on the west coast in getting a replacement part of the battery latch for my camera.  The replacement door’s been mailed yesterday which means I should be getting it by the end of the week or the beginning of the next.  I checked out the current door on mine, and it looks pretty easy to remove.  Good thing too, given that I don’t want to break it completely while I’m replacing it.  For a while there I thought that I’d have to buy a new one.  Now all I need to do is perhaps look into a larger memory stick for it.  Maybe a 1 GB or so (currently have a 512 MB). 
     Then again I might not need to get a larger memory stick for the camera.  The notebook that I’ve got has the ability to reading Sony Memory Sticks, so I could always unload the pictures to my Notebook while I’m out in and about taking pictures.  Yeah, I’ve been thinking about taking the notebook along with me for this trip.  Shouldn’t be too much of an inconvenience given it’s size, and the rules of getting it through TSA checkpoints at the airports. 

     And finally the last point that I want to cover.  I’ve thought about pre-ambling it with the situation that leads to why it’s being talked about and re-explored, but then I realized that in the pre-amble, is the trigger for turning this entry into a passive-aggressive counter to the situation that occurred.  What I will say is this though… 
     One’s actions and activities have repercussions on one’s environment.  If one doesn’t like what is said and what is written, then perhaps one should examine one’s motives closely.  The world does not stop at the end of one’s nose regardless of whether or not management or people in authority aren’t around to monitor and supervise right and wrong actions.  Maturity and responsibility is not only measured by what other people in authority see but also in the way peers act and react in one’s presence.  Maturity and responsibility is measured by following the rules and doing so not because it’s required of one, but instead because it’s the right thing to do. 
     That’s the reason why someone else was given the position in authority, and another wasn’t.  And if one doesn’t believe it, then perhaps one should talk with management and ask, "how can I change for the better?" instead of asking, "why does that person have it out for me?"  In that, one might find out just how wrong one was in one’s attitudes.

     Well, that’s it for the time being.  Off to finish watching some of the movies I’ve got laying about and perhaps get some sleep.

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