Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 02/15/2009 01:35:21 AM – Mentat 482

Entry 02/15/2009 01:35:21 AM – Mentat 482

     Valentine’s Day…

     You know that every year I keep telling myself that I’m going to lay low for the "holiday" by either calling in queer, or simply take it off as a scheduled PTO.  And yet, every year since Rick and I had broken up, I end up telling myself, "I can do this…  I can get through the day without too much issue…  I’ve gotten better over the last half-decade…"  Sure, I’m certainly better off now than I was years ago when every Valentine’s I felt as though I were going through some form of Post Traumatic Stress (enough that I’d end up having people asking me, ‘are you all right’, or having chats with management about how short tempered I was on a call).  While I haven’t been the least bit short-tempered today (which I should knock on wood given I’m only through half my day); at the same time I just don’t feel the least bit right — either balanced or calm considering that what’s going on underneath is just a hot mess.  I’ll certainly be glad to getting through today without too much issue, or too much self-consciousness and second-guessing everything that I’ve been doing for the job, the environment immediately around me, and everything in between. 
     Heh, on a better note, I was finally able to get Apophysis to do what it was that I had been wanting to do…  Make a heart out of a fractal, and get it posted to my Deviant Art account for the holiday, instead of posting the blasted thing the day after as I had done with Halloween, and almost for Christmas (I certainly lucked out there).  Personally, I was particularly proud of my .flame that I had created in the early morning, that took me close to 2 1/2 hours to render (http://mbaldelli.deviantart.com/art/Mad-Scientist-s-APO-Heart-112854664).  I wanted to put something rather poetic together for submitting it to DA, but ended up being sardonically quirky instead given that by the time I was able to get it submitted, and then put to my Featured Art, it was bed time for me. 
     When I woke up this morning, I had thought about dedicating that particular fractal to Damion, and sending a copy of it with some well wishes to him as he was the first person that came to mind when I woke up, and I realized that I was missing him.  I’m not quite sure he’s checking his e-mail, and I’m not at all sure his computer’s still working — but it just seems like the right thing to do, given that last Valentine’s it wasn’t so bad with him around.  Especially considering that he and I have Valentine’s Day being the worst time of the year in common.  Seems sort of the wrong thing to do, given that we did part mostly amicably — and sending this sort of thing might send the wrong signal to him, but given this holiday — why break tradition on continuing to contribute to things going completely wrong during Valentine’s Day, eh? *shrugging*

     T-minus 32 days and counting. 
     I’m looking forward to this vacation more and more.  I didn’t realize that I’d need it as much as I have.  I still haven’t quite started looking into the what’s and where’s to-do when I head out to San Fran…  Then again by the time I get home from work when I’ve thought about it, I’m really not in the mood to want to look for that sort of information, given I’d rather play games, check messages, see who’s created what  on DA, and what kind of insane wackiness is going on at /.  Maybe if I can think about it, I’ll give it a go when I get home tonight…  Then again, maybe pigs will have wings. 

     Of course, I also said last week that I would seriously begin to look into some sort of dating service.  A week later, it’s still in my to-dos, I haven’t remotely looked at any of the places that have been advertised at the various social sites that I wander through, and don’t see my looking at those sites any time in the near future either.  Sad when you think of it.  But then again…  *stopping a moment*
     But then again, I haven’t chatted with or met anyone that I’d really like to get to know more.  Younger, middle-aged, older…  None of them made me want to stop my habits, and get to know more.  None of them have caused me to feel the familiar and sometimes inspiring pitter-pat that comes from infatuation, or even attraction for.  I’m not quite sure whether it’s my issue since breaking up with Damion, or whether it’s just that the men that I have chatted with lack that certain je ne c’est quoi that I would find attractive enough to speak with other than casually. 
     I mean there’s one that I would really like to get to know more about.  But talking to him in type is painful and often goes horribly wrong.  It seems that he either gets too self-conscious and shy, or simply shuts down when he’s not sure what to say or where to go, and then drops out of chat altogether for the night.  And to make it more worthwhile, he’s also Nightbreed like I am…  From what I’ve been able to collect from the last time I got him to chat a bit about sci-fi, for the next two weeks his off-time’s the same days as my own.  But his schedule’s one of those shifting schedules that changes from month to month, so it’s not as though its as constant as my own schedule. 
     *sighs*  I should just give it up for the time being and wait ’til the warmer weather of spring and summer.  Especially given that on some of the sites that I go to, there has been an inordinate amount of pinoy and Philippinos trolling through one of the sites desperately looking for some rich American to save their asses from the depressed state of finances in the Philippines.  Sorry, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — I’m a gay white man, not a guy with money.  And I most certainly don’t see the need to be pulling a mail-order bride from some country outside of the United States.  Thanks, but my life is screwy enough as it is without adding to the drama. 

     Not too much else to talk about at the moment.  Until the next time.

Categories: Romance/Relationships
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