Home > Uncategorized > Entry 02/18/2009 01:25:23 AM – Mentat 483

Entry 02/18/2009 01:25:23 AM – Mentat 483

     I’m definitely contemplative the last couple of days.  I’ll get to it eventually, give the old man some time to…  *grins*
     I know that for the last couple of nights I’ve been having dreams that involve a whole slew of bizarre Sci-Fi Elements, but unfortunately I had only remembered the dream that I had last night. Pity too, given that I think the dream that I had the night before was infinitely more complex and almost inspirational enough to write a show story on. What’s funny about it is that I had finished watching Battlestar Galactica’s First Season the end of last week, and only now am I starting to have the Sci-Fi dreams.  Eh, guess it’s old man stuff and delayed reactions…  Heh.
     I’m also glad to be on the other side of Valentine’s Day.  Granted this year’s was nearly completely uneventful, and perhaps a more than a little bit better than the last couple of years, at the same time I’m still not really in the right place to enjoying or appreciating the holiday.  Even if some of the crap that I had been going through had been internal.  Perhaps for next year, I’ll start keeping my traditions as I do for my birthday and taking the day out.  Seems the safest thing to do. 

     Oh and in other news, I got my first Rickrolled last night…  Thanks Sean I certainly appreciate that.  I told my friend Bejan and he felt left out so he decided to Rickroll me as well.  This is what I get for trusting friends with YouTube links…  Ha ha ha…  That won’t happen again.  I’ll just keep to my routine sites ’til this blows over.  Thanks. 

     Although he and I did talk about something that I’ve certainly been putting quite a lot of thought into.  Dating….  You know, that thing that I’m supposed to be trying to do and feel like I’m making a miserable attempt at.  I know what the problem is.  The problem has to do with the fact that I really haven’t met anyone that’s inspiring or engaging enough to feel the full effects of infatuation with.  There have been twinges here and there, but the majority of people that I’ve chatted with are either "shy", or guarded, or simply lack the necessary online social skills that I’d want to get to know more than simply casually and in a public setting.  Those that have shown any interest in me, I’ve pushed away because apparently I’m not following whatever rules they had going on at the time they had started engaging in chatting with me. 
     I mean, take for example the one in Jamaica Plain that I had been chatting with on Manhunt…  Apparently he wanted me to show exclusive interest in him.  He was engaging enough but there are still some questions that I have for the environment I’m back into that I want answers to, that I can’t get from my perspective of being on the outside looking in.  So I asked him the questions that I had in mind, because I’m back after an extended time in the South and everything that I knew, all the rules and all the watering holes have changed.  I even offered my e-mail to contact me outside of Manhunt… 
     Nothing.  It’s dead and cold and some weeks since I’ve heard from him.  Coming up on a month now that I think of it and look at the calendar on the wall…  Zip…  Nada…  Nothing… 
     Am I disappointed?  Just a tad.  Even with me being gone for more than a decade from the Northeast, I how from experience just how fickle queerfolk are around here; and this sort of response to my question is considered typical. 
     Then there’s the other sites, that I’m logged into and registered with.  Guys4Men apparently is having their routine trolling from the Third World countries in the Orient — all looking for some rich American man to pay their way — mail order bride style — out of the depression and poverty and into the Land of Opportunity.  Now they seem to be posting fake pics from as apparent as mis-rotated thumbnails to outright lies all trying to look like Americans someplace in the US and wanting to "be friends" or start something "romantic from afar"…  *chuckling*  Given the amount of the country that I’ve been to thanks to my working a national conversion project, I can catch them in lies quickly enough by asking about places within the city; and intentionally getting the information wrong to see if they catch it or not. 
     GayDar’s as dead in the water as ever.  Not surprising given that most of the folk that go there are in the UK and not here stateside, even though it caters. 
     Still really haven’t checked out a couple of the actual dating sites (True, Match, etc.) given that they’re pay sites, and I’ve always had mixed feelings when it comes to using such places.  I mean sure, I’ve done personals before — that’s what I did for years before I had met Darin, and after when I moved to the south.  It’s been a fairly successful venue, even if I’ve dealt with some pretty off-the-wall types (and one stalker in my time I’ve run personal ads).  If it gets closer to the spring, and I still keep batting a thousand, I might just go back to that route and see what it scares up.  There’s no hurt in it, given that most LGBT and/or mixed papers usually allow for 30 words or less for free. 

     Another dilemma that I’ve been thinking about a lot is the possibility of whether I should simply count my blessings about how lucky I had been in meeting Damion and Will and that I should take the sensible route and settle down with someone that I can trust and be moderately open with.  And then I think about the time that I had done this before between the attraction that I felt when I used to chat with Jay and ended up settling with Rick because Rick was closer to my age (Jay was 19 when I was 35) and was (I thought) more down to earth than Jay was. Right, and look how that turned out.  Four and a half years of complete terror and agony and an emotional and mental toxicity from someone that was more fucked up than I could ever imagine, and left me such an emotional wasteland for the next three years that I’m only just feeling like I’m completely recovered from the bullshit of that relationship.  I can look back at it as a lesson to be learned, instead of the bleeding, emotional scar that just doesn’t seem to be healing at all. 
     So the question is — should I settle and settle down, or should I keep looking for that infatuation that’s becoming more and more elusive the older I get? 

     I still don’t know where my muse is.  Although things are infinitely better both at home and at work and I’m able to actually think without feeling as though I need to be prepared for my next course running through a minefield under automatic weapon fire.  So who knows?  Maybe it’s just waiting for the right time to come out of hiding after all the nonsense of the last three months and settle in to help me with some of the writing that I’ve been wanting to do. 

     So how am I feeling right now, as I’m listening to Alison Moyet’s Ode to Boy, and proofing my entry just a little?  Confused…  But only because of the mixed feelings I have.  Understanding a lot more about someone that seems to have the same problems I do about over-analyzing things and a mistrust of men given the way they’ve treated him.  Optimistic because of the upcoming trip/vacation.  A little edgy, but I think that’s from the caffeine and chocolate that I had tonight.  Definitely lonely — but that can’t be helped, I’ve been lonely for a long time now.  Missing Damion more than I think I should.  But then, I did do something I shouldn’t have this week and I’ll probably pay the price for that.  And…  Glad that it’s quiet at the moment, with my cat sleeping at my feet under the blanket I’m using as a wrap.  Gotta love her for her undying disgust of the cold and wanting to be warm until the spring and summer months come. 

     Well, I’m off.  Time for me to get a couple of more chores done before I call it a day.  T-Minus 28 days and counting ’til I’m "off to Oz:" as Bejan had put it.  Until the next time.

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