Home > Life or something like it > Entry 02/21/2009 08:58:15 AM – Mentat 484

Entry 02/21/2009 08:58:15 AM – Mentat 484

     This is definitely one of these days that I’m more than thankful to be home.  While work has not been quite as busy as I had expected it to be, at the same time, I’m glad to be home where the temperatures are cooler, and I don’t feel quite so much dry heat pouring onto me from the Central Heating and Air Conditioning.  God, for some reason it’s set entirely too warm at work, and I think it’s definitely affecting my ears, because when I was at work, the tinnitus in my right ear was going off the deep end, and my left ear was feeling the kind of hurt like I had an ice pick being driven into it.  Now that I’m home, I’m able to breathe, the tinnitus is down to an acceptable level, and I’m not feeling any pain from my left ear at all.  At first I thought that I had the makings of one of my annual ear aches that I get (when I’m not getting my tonsillitis, but now that I’m home and the pain’s gone, I think it’s just the stuffiness of the air circulation at work.  Tonight — when I got back in, if it’s still that warm — I’m going to have to get one of them to turn the temperature down so that I can breathe without feeling as though I’m breathing heat.  It’s just too much for the likes of me… 

     I definitely found myself contemplative the last couple of days because of an idle journal entry from someone that I’ve befriended on DA (http://www.deviantart.com) that I’ve always had an idle interest in wanting to strike up a conversation with, but never quite how to approach the individual because of the questions that I’ve had and wanted to ask.  Not much of a writer — but then most of the people that I watch and befriend there aren’t, as they are artists and creators, and not quite of the poetry and prose sort — this individual had said something about his art might not be accepted by his friends, peers, and family given it’s style.  I had encouraged this individual in my almost sagely but mostly clichéd way that parents will always see them as the 5 year old, (or worse in some cases just out of diapers), even when one is a full grown adult, and old enough to have children of their own…  that friends will accept else they really weren’t friends to begin with accepting them not for what the individual represented but what self-imposed illusion they had in accepting this individual, and to naturally stick to those that will support and accept them no matter what they represented. 
     The individual kicked back to me a message that certainly made me stop to think in a way that caused me to go off on one of my own tangents.  This individual’s response was that they were without significant other, and felt sort of crippled from that lack.  I remembered keenly what it was like to feel that feeling…  Of having a hole in one’s heart where someone else could fit…  Of feeling as though one was sleepwalking through life…  Of even feeling as though one were hobbling because one didn’t quite feel whole. 
     Why it was such a tangent is because someplace along the lines, from my life on the whole, to my last long term relationship that practically destroyed me, to regaining some semblance of my life and even self-esteem, through Will and losing him a year later making peace with him.  And Damion and that wonderful and mutually healing year…  Somewhere in all this, I no longer feel those wonderful and terrible illusions.  Instead, what I seem to feel is understanding, and compassion.  While I feel ready to get back onto the horse, at the same time I can understand that fate tells me that now’s not quite the time.  And so, I’m poised but not as badly self-conscious about being alone as I actually thought that I was. 
     And then, it makes me wonder…  How do I tell this individual to take heart and know that it’s not as bad as they think it is?  So here I am…  doing my best in my own sagely and infinitely clichéd way giving to this individual the things I had learned from all these years I’ve been wandering the planet. 

     I would still like to talk this individual — but given their erratic hours and coupled with my being Nightbreed, it makes it impossible other than perhaps in a note or two randomly and based on either of us submitting deviations.  Or worse, that I’ll come off as completely arrogant or completely off the wall, given the questions that I have and completely unsure how they would be greeted, or interpreted.  One of these days, I’ll probably get hit with a stroke of inspiration and ask the questions in a way that won’t make me look like a raving nutter…  Either that or I’ll simply ask them and let it fly from there.  Again…  One of these days… 

     Not too much else going on at the moment.  I’m rather knackered given that I didn’t quite get the amount of sleep I should have last night.   But then again given that I’ve been tossing and turning quite a lot the last couple of nights because of the dreams that I’ve had and coupled with some of the other events that I’m not in the mood to talk about, this isn’t entirely surprising.  So I’m going to cut this one short for the time being, contemplate a little bit more and go to bed early.

     Until the next time.

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