Home > Life or something like it > Entry 03/02/2009 09:28:41 AM – Mentat 486

Entry 03/02/2009 09:28:41 AM – Mentat 486

     God, what a confusing mess of a mood I’m in at the moment.  Quite a lot of ground to cover since the last entry, quite a lot of thought that has me sitting here in pause.  All right, some of the details… 

     First off I got terribly sick within the first day of my three day weekend.  Seems that someone at work — whom I’ll affectionately call "Typhoid Mary" because it had hit the office pretty hard the next couple of days — of which I had come in close proximity to "mary" and ended up feeling all the right (and wrong) signs of getting sick.  I thought at first "oh grand, I spoke too soon on the tonsillitis and that it’s going to strike me…" with the next thoughts after that being, "at least it’s before the trip and not during." But the next two days my fever were like a roller coaster, I felt it was clearly tonsillitis, but I knew that it had to be something else…  I had more than just the routine flu that would be running his course.  Turns out I probably also had bronchitis as well.  But three days later — my system got me through it.  The fever broke the night I was getting through work.  Two days after that I was finally able to eat solid foods.  And so I’m here, a week later — nearly back to complete normal.  Still coughing though, but not trying to hack up a lung.
     Still though, at least the good thing is that I’ll have gotten through this entirely by the time I’m getting on the flight for San Fran in just over 2 weeks. 

     Then, somewhere in the middle of all this illness, fever, coughing up lungs, and my personal favorite lack of appetite, I finally screw up the courage and the fortitude that I said I would and talked with someone that I wouldn’t feel quite so self-conscious and feeling like a complete freak of nature around…  Turns out.  *sighs*  he’s completely screwed up and I simply didn’t see the signs until a certain private conversation after an e-mail to him covering sadness that I broke a promise on hoping it would help him. 
     The man walked right across my abandonment issues by first completely screwing up in a response to a question I asked and then completely ignoring me in the process.  Washed my hands like Pontius Pilate the instant he pulled that crap off on me; and thinking he’s completely screwed in the head and in sore need for months of therapy. 
     I don’t even want to go into the details, as I can assure it was pretty ugly when I felt like I was being ignored while being entirely civil and mature through the whole thing.  I’ve decided on including a copy of most of that e-mail on my DA account (http://mbaldelli.deviantart.com) which people can peruse if they so want and comment or learn from it accordingly.  And I think in that, this is all that I want to say on that subject as I believe it to be quite, quite closed… 

     Then shortly after thinking I did so well, and it ended so poorly, I felt the pangs of shock and surprise as Damion responded to the e-mail and the gift/dedication that I had made to him on Valentine’s Day.  He touched and surprised, and I was more than shocked to see his name in my inbox.  I was speechless, scared, and extremely contemplative as well.  I was torn as to whether or not I should respond, and made the promise when I went to bed that night, if I were to dream about him that I would write him and tell him of the things that have been going on in my life since we parted. 
     Heh, a sure sign that I was indeed going to dream about him and I did, remembering all too keenly his voice in my ears as I sometimes fell asleep while the two of us were watching movies. 
     *sighing*  Still dreaming about him as poignantly as I did when it first started, I might add. 
     He responded back in kind to my e-mail, of which he’s doing well and better but still there are just some things that he doesn’t get about me, either because of his second guessing or his pride — I’m not sure which.  I am feeling much better from his catch up e-mail and the pains of missing him and the confusion of his fear not as acute as they were when we broke up in November. 
     I might continue a dialog with him if only to set things straight and continue the healing process necessary for the two of us that I feel still isn’t quite completed.  Do I have hopes?  No.  Hope there would be folly at this point.  His mind is made up, even if he doesn’t understand his heart in it and this is part of a journey that he needs to continue exploring for himself without my help and certainly without my interference. 

     I know that I have so much more to write about, but at the moment, I need to sort out my head and clear it out from the chaos and crazy of the end of my work week.  I’ll try my hand at writing the rest of this journal entry this evening, after my coffee, breakfast and attention time with the hellbeast. 

     Until the next time.

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