Home > Life or something like it > Entry 03/03/2009 05:45:30 AM – Mentat 487

Entry 03/03/2009 05:45:30 AM – Mentat 487

03/03/2009
     Oh what a mood I’ve been in since I’ve been up.  Between working through some of the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I had when I woke up and shambled like the undead toward the shower, to the e-mail that’s sitting in my inbox at the moment, to the chaos and nonsense that I was sorting through last night when I got home from work, to the vitriol and bile that I was chewing on watching the queerfolk in gay.com…  Well, it’s really no wonder that I’ve had a hell of a time trying to calm and ground myself while at the same time trying to drowned out all the other noises going on in my head by playing back-to-back hardcore trance from my iTunes.  Hell, it took an hour and a half nap with the cat curled in the crook of my arm, and finding the melodic trance to get me calmed down enough to give another go with this journal entry…  Come to think of it, I think that I’ve been through at least six iterations of trying to write it all down…  That’s how much chaos I’ve had going on in my head and heart at the moment. 
     Of course, the worst part is that while it sounds perfectly all right in my head thinking the thoughts that I have, trying to get them down either looks lame, nonsensical, makes me out to being some sort of psychotic or psychopath, or simply just scattered.  And the last thing I want to be going through on top of trying to sort all of this out, is extremely self-conscious on top of it all… 

     So Damion filled me in on his life, as I  filled him in on mine.  That man can still surprise the daylights out of me with his naïveté.  It’s hard to imagine that he’d think because we had parted ways back in November that in 5 months, coming up on six, I’m going to forget him.  Forget him?! How am I going to forget a man that I dream about as much as I have?!  God, at one point in the year we had been together I had dreamed more about Damion than I did Tommy, and that’s quite an accomplishment for a me given that I don’t dream about any of the people in my life — family, friends, lovers…  How can I go about wanting to forget someone who’s poetry makes complete sense to me?  Yeah — the poetic philistine would want to forget the man whose poetry he can make meaning out of? 
     Eh, it just boggles the mind… 
     Well the good thing is that I don’t have any hard feelings about us parting ways…  And the other part is that I don’t want to push him into a reconciliation of any sort.  What drove us apart was fear, and until he can actually face his fear and his pride, there’s no reason for me to ever want to push for anything more from him. 
     And I’m happy that he’s getting on with his life.  Really happy… 

     Then sitting there in gay.com I was really chewing on some vile sarcasm.  Between the same old bullshit dance of the 20-somethings in the channel, to the complete freak of nature that I talked about in the last entry being all "life of the party" when in private he’s a complete mess, I was seriously wanting to cause some hardcore drama.  But I didn’t even though I was seriously working up to it.  Given the amount of anger that I had been feeling this evening watching the hypocrisy playing out, I’m going to take another one of my extended sabbaticals from gay.com.  Well that and perhaps let karma work out the way that it needs to, without my interference.  Even if I want a personal hand in it.

     Maybe it’s time that I take a sabbatical from a whole lot of other things as well.  I know all the signs that I’m going through right now, and I feel as though I’m setting myself up for a whole world of disappointment because of the delusions that I’m setting myself up with.  I don’t want to talk about it at the moment, as I don’t need to be scaring anyone unnecessarily.  And lord knows I can scare even the strongest… 

     Well, that’s about it for the time being…  Until the next time…

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