Home > Life or something like it > Entry 04/14/2009 04:14:04 AM – Mentat 503

Entry 04/14/2009 04:14:04 AM – Mentat 503

     Jeez, I spoke way too soon in the last entry when it came to thinking that I would be seeing the end to my sleeplessness.  From the time that I took that prescription from my aunt in order to get some sleep, I almost immediately went back to being sleepless.  In fact, by the time Saturday rolled around, I had reached a point of near panic.  I had to call out for Saturday night (the first time calling out since I had started this job) because by the time I had called in to speak to management on it — I had reached being up 22 hours straight.  While I was moderately concerned I knew that it wasn’t much longer before my body would reach it’s end and I would pass out.  (As I had learned two years ago, being in my 40s the maximum time I can go before my body gives out and I completely pass out is 28 hours).  At 24 hours however, I did finally pass out, if only for 4 hours. 
     From there, and the next afternoon which I had only got 5 hours more of sleep, I made the decision that I was going to follow the advice of my friend in Naples and pick up Tylenol PM and an acquaintance of mine in Britain; Valerian for long-term management if this sleeplessness was going to continue. 
     I was fortunate in that Sunday night was really quiet.  So much so that at one point I think I made it almost 2½ hours without a call.  Good thing nothing broke either, given that Joe is out on vacation this week.  Sure, I had back-up during the night, as Mike stayed late and Dolores came in an hour early (as Cheryl’s also out on vacation this week), but it was still nice that it was as quiet as I usually expect it for Saturday night.   I even made more than an effort to fight any chance of catching a quick cat nap between calls, as I got the feeling between my days off and my catching quick (guard duty) naps between calls wasn’t contributing to my getting the required restful sleep that I was needing. 
     So, the instant that I got out of work and after getting a quick breakfast, headed out to GNC to pick up a bottle of Valerian…
     … Unfortunately though they didn’t open until 10 AM (and I arrived at 9:30), so instead I headed over to Wally-World to pick up the Tylenol PM with the thought on the way out I would pick up the Valerian just in case.  Getting through Wally-World, I ended up beginning to drain faster than I thought, and instead of pushing it (which is what I believed caused this problem in the first place), headed home with the quick hope that the Tylenol PM would do the trick, and I could pick the Valerian up tomorrow (today) or the next day, if I continue to have problems sleeping. 
     Fortunately for me though — the Tylenol PM worked like a charm.  While I didn’t sleep all the way through (waking up at 6 PM for about an hour), I was able to fall back to sleep quickly enough and got about 10 hours of sleep last night.  Woo!  I’m quite happy about that at the moment, given that I don’t think that I could last another day with only 4 hours of sleep under my belt. 
     I’ll probably head out this week and stop by GNC to pick up the Valerian given that from what I read, it’s more a supplement rather than a drug which I have less qualms about than taking than I do Tylenol.  Now if I can keep this going correctly through the next couple of days, I’ll certainly be in better spirits when I have my one-on-one this Thursday. 

     Oh and speaking of, now that I’ve gotten enough sleep, at least for tonight, I certainly need to start working on my to-dos that I’ve pushed off since I’ve gotten back from San Fran and haven’t been sleeping properly.  Namely the laundry that’s sitting in the basket near the bed, getting the Frankenstein built (which I continue to push off), cleaning up around the place, and of course getting the brakes and pedal changed out on the bike and performing the maintenance on the gear assembly that slips on High 7th gear.  I also need to perform disc backups on this machine (in case the Frankenstein actually gets built successfully), and finally finishing up on the flames in APO that I built on the notebook that would take entirely too long on the notebook to properly render. 
     Heh, take the one that I’m working on right now…  4+ hours on the notebook.  On the desktop it’s about 2 hours 46 minutes…  And the processor on the current desktop’s only 2 GHz.   Well, it’s just the nature of the beast I think…  But at least on the desktop it’s quicker and I get to see the results that much faster.  Whether they get posted or not remains to be seen, but I like what I made, and will probably end up using them as a desktop at some point. 

     This afternoon I received the Micro SD card for the phone, which brings the internal storage memory up from 130 MB to 4 GB.  Woo-hoo!  Considering that it doesn’t sound too bad, and I scoped out a pair of Bluetooth headphones, I might use it as a sort of back up MP3 player when I don’t want to lug around the iPod.  I mean, it’s not like I have a one of the smaller iPods — this one’s the 30 GB which is about the same size as the 240 GB that I checked out when I was out picking up necessities and the Tylenol today.  Sure, I won’t be lugging around about 8 days worth of music, but it’s a good choice for a backup as I don’t necessarily need another piece of electronics on me that could attract unwanted attention. 
     Heh, and to be a complete dorky geek, I was able to figure out how to set up the custom ringtones for it.  Not like my Razr, I have a limit for the size of the ringtone (< 300 KB).  So off goes the Happy Tree Friends ringtone that I used to have on my Razr (it’s 500 KB), and in comes Star Trek sound effects.  I replaced the original communicator that I had picked up within days of getting the phone and in its place I put the Boatswain Whistle of the communications system used on the shop…  Yep.  Geek…  Proud of it. 
     My aunt made noise about it while we were out, saying I was such a Star Trek freak, which I told her I’m not really a fan of it as I used to be.  I told her I would’ve chosen the sounds from Babylon 5 instead, but because I had used the doorbell for most sounds on my PC (ICQ back in the day when ICQ wasn’t as bloated as it is now, which I had used it for years) I decided against it. Granted I might put them on next time ’round — but at present I’m happy with the Star Trek sounds if I’m the only one that hears them at home…
     Oh well that’s not true….  Heh, my aunt also made some sort of snarkish comment in my direction that she had completely messed up in the process.  And me being the queen of snarks got her back rather quickly.  I quickly pulled out my phone, went into the media player and played the star trek communicator sound.  Looking at her, I said, "it’s for you.  It’s your clue calling.." 
     I knew she got it because the look she gave me was flawless. 
     Heh, never mess with the best. 

[Lasted Edited: 04/14/2009 07:06:51 AM]

     Oops!  I started this, then started the render and then said, "why don’t I give my cat some attention and then ended up falling asleep for almost 2 hours in the process.  Of course the best part is waking up to music in my head that I’m not sure whether I own or not.  I probably do, given that I have frequently meditated, napped and fallen asleep while listening to music on my iPod and then some days or weeks later, waking up to complete sets of tracks happily playing in my head.  So, it’s only a matter of time before I come across it. 
     Now where was I when I did the journal break?  Oh yeah…

     I was going to do a post mortem to some of the crap that I went through in the last couple of days because I just feel I have to write about it and get it the hell out of my head and wash it out of my life.  Picture this…  Saturday and it’s about 4 in the morning.  I don’t want to sleep at this point, as more sleep would only mean that I’m not going to be sleeping when I need to around 10 – noon.  So I’m pretty much a zombie and sitting in gay.com chatting with folk and friends about something that I had been wrong about because of the twisted way some people had interpreted certain laws in the state of Massachusetts. 
     A random person comes walking in and seeing the discussion going on and not liking it because he’s up so early in the morning and apparently wanting attention to his penis rather than politeness, makes comments to try to stop the ongoing debate/conversation.
     I didn’t want any of that attitude as I was already finding out how wrong I was in the debate and prepping to apologize and tell the my friend he was right all along, got rude back in his direction to give the man a clear indication that his attitude wasn’t welcome.  While this attitude and retribution didn’t completely kill the conversation, it did hamper it and changed the tone of what was going on.   It didn’t last much longer after that, as the rude person getting rude again stormed out when I pushed back when he shoved. 
     But that brought up a conversation with someone I had talked about in previous entries that I had wanted to get to know since about October.  To make a long story short, I quickly discovered that not only is he completely screwed in the head, but a complete hypocrite as well.  He talked about being nice, and talked about being good — but the manner that he had either ignored me without warning or completely signed off without so much as a little common courtesy was completely rude.  He further tried to get defensive in a completely passive-aggressive manner which is a complete turn-off.  I think what worked me the most is that he continually apologized for apparently bad behavior and yet, instead of rectifying his attitude after the apology, continued behaving in the exactly wrong manner that he had apologized for.  In fact, I could tell he took a certain set of pride in his bad manners because he continued to demonstrate because after all, "it’s just chat", and it doesn’t matter who you’re talking with in this particular venue, because they’re all just "words on the screen." 
     I mean what’s the use of apologizing if you’re going to continue to act badly in the exact same manner?  It simply tells me that the word "sorry" has no meaning in your life and that you’re only saying it for the sake of it, and not actually having the guts, the fortitude or even the gumption to correcting the wrongs you’re transgressing. 
     Hypocritical is what that comes off in my book. Right alongside insincere.  And certainly neither of these qualities are "good" or "nice" or even remotely "fair". 
     So I made one promise after that conversation; if this man plays peacemaker or is trying to get people to behave; I’m going to call his hypocrisy out hardcore.  In the same manner as I do the fools and the idiots Usenet.  With a particularly sharp phrase and a sharper wit. 

     The second thing that I had been thinking about the last couple of days was the ever so spiteful and foolish attitude of wanting to throw myself into a convent or as someone being rather dramatic in my life has been saying publicly and privately is, "Oh I’m going to live alone and die alone…" 
     *sighs*  Please… 
     What does that accomplish?  Nothing other than being completely spiteful or demonstrating emo-like qualities.  I am passionate, I am a fighter, and I am worth more than allowing flakes, and freaks and men that apparently appear to have their lives together only demonstrate that it’s a veneer and underneath a shallow surface are completely off their rockers crazy.  Nor should I allow those that have used me in the past or demonstrate the same qualities of using people to do that to me either. 
     That doesn’t mean that I should throw myself into a convent.  That doesn’t mean that the instant that I find them attractive and wanting to get to know them, complete dissect them and determine whether or not they can be trusted.  What it means is that through simply listening, and through simply allowing them to be themselves with their attitude and their principles to come streaming through. 
     It means that I’m worth it and worthwhile and like it or not the world is filled with a lot of incompatible people whose attitudes and whose principles are completely against my own.  It means that I have to buck up, pick myself up, dust myself off and with my chin up, continue on in spite of these sort of people coming into my life, and making the very human mistake of doing unprincipled and immoral things, hurt me. 
     It means that I shouldn’t be quite so damned dramatic about it, and once it’s done; it’s done…  Sure talk about it a little with friends or in journal, but don’t let it weigh me down in the process as some sort of baggage, like a cross because I had in one moment made a human mistake of trusting them. 
     After all, trust like love, and self-respect and self-worth are all states of conscious that come from within.  They are not given to me through the action (or inaction) of others.  They aren’t handed to me like packets or charms or gifts.  They come from within and from within they are shared with those people that I consider special in my life — be it friends, or that special someone whom I call boyfriend, or lover, or even partner. 
     I shouldn’t allow those people that have used me or have disappointed me, or even hurt me in any manner the power to bring me down and to stop trusting.  Doing that is self-defeating because what I’ve done is give them the power to take me down, and it’s not their power to do so. 

     I do have one message for this friend that has gone through some of what I’ve gone through about where he is vs. where I am, as he did give me quite a bit to think about the last couple of days, and for a short time, I didn’t remotely feel as ugly or fat or unwanted as I had in recent weeks. 
     You had asked me, "how can I build on something that isn’t there?" 
     I’ll tell you right now — it’s there.  If your heart has the capacity to love, if it has the capacity to speak, and has the capacity for sharing, then self-worth, self-esteem and self-love are simply taking those qualities that you want to lavish on another human being then it’s simply a matter of lavishing it upon yourself in the same way.  You’ve shared a little of that heart of yours even in friendship, and I’m rarely wrong when my guts tell me what I’m seeing. 
     I’m not talking about the narcissist self-love of licking your arms in the mirror, or doing things that people would call you a pompous ego-centric ass.  I’m talking about looking at yourself and simply smiling at the image staring back at you.  I’m talking about being able to feel comfortable with yourself and knowing that you have great qualities, and that your worth more than people apparently want to treat you. 
     I won’t tell you that it’s going to come easily or quickly.  It won’t.  There are going to be times when you look at yourself in the mirror and you’re going to give yourself that pep talk that’s going to feel as fake and as shallow as that smile you have to put on when you go to the table and say, "have you decided what you would like?"  And there will be times when you’re going to look at yourself in the mirror and see every possible flaw you think a human being can have inside you.  And sometimes it won’t go away in a day either… 
     But you have to fight that negativity  Not allow it to take hold and make you feel unimportant, or worthless, or that you’re going to be alone your entire life and die a miserable old man.   It will only happen if you put worth into it.  And you’re not worth it…

     Just like I’m not.  And of which in telling this friend, I find the strength to look at myself and do what is necessary.  To pick myself up, dust myself off, and look at myself in the mirror and say, "dammit, I’m worth it." 

     Okay, I’ve rambled enough.  I have two fractals created and now I need to folk some clothes that I should’ve done instead of fallen asleep for two hours while my cat got cranky with me because she thought I was hogging the covers.  Until the next time.
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