Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 05/08/2009 03:09:00 AM – Mentat 508

Entry 05/08/2009 03:09:00 AM – Mentat 508

05/08/2009
     Well, it would appear that I’m not only sleeping normally, but in fact making up for lost sleep patterns as well.  Over the last three days I had averaged someplace between 9 – 11 hours of sleep, of which I’m more than happy at the moment sitting here at 3 in the morning sorting through the routine all the routine things that I do for the night…  Not surprising either is that I don’t remotely feel tired at the moment.  Woo-hoo…  Of course, the kicker as I’ve said is that now that I’m back to complete normal (for me) I’ve been told that I need to start planning for my next vacation time, as I’m going to be accumulating to the maximum again come this quarter.  *sighs*  It was suggested to me to either choose someplace that has life after midnight (which would either put me in certain sections of God’s Waiting Room (READ: Florida), Boston, or New York City), or do some sort of staycation ’round the house.
     Frankly given that I bounced back from the last vacation like a dead cat, I seriously am not up for another bout of 6 or so weeks for me to return to sleeping normally.  But I might just do a staycation or extended weekends in the next couple of months if only to placate my manager and to also take the necessary time off so that I don’t lose it because I’ve capped it.  I’ve got one extended weekend coming up for June for my 45th birthday, which I still haven’t exactly worked out what I want to do for it.  Knowing me, I’ll probably simply stay at home hiding under the bed until I feel it safe…  And perhaps after that I’ll have a beer (or three) to dull the shock that I’m turning 45. 
     No, I’m kidding — I’ll most probably do what I always do — enjoy the day like any other and perhaps have a beer or two at the appropriate time.

     Heh, over the weekend, I took advantage to get caught up on a couple of the movies that I purchased…  Miyazaki’s Kiki’s Delivery Service and the other Times Have Been Better.  Funny thing is that I couldn’t watch either of them all the way through on Tuesday for some reason, as I kept thinking that Kiki’s was going to have some sort of ominous and moral lesson nonsense that would involve humbling the main characters (as it had happened in Miyazaki’s Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind had…  And Times…  Heh, I think I’ve been queered out of LGBT movies for the time being.  Seriously — there’s just so many different coming out stories that could be told that I would honestly want to sit through again, given that it’s been about 30 years since I’ve come out and most things are hunky-dory for the likes of me. 
     Hell, I think there are still a couple of other movies from the last batch that I haven’t sat all the way through either…  Yeah, come to think of it; there are.  Both of them Kung Fu movies…  I guess that I’m pretty Kung Fu’d out as well…  Which means that I’ll probably be taking a break from my movie purchasing until something newer comes out. 

     Oh, and one final thing on the mundane in my life…  I was able to get an additional license slapped onto my current license that I have for NOD32 so that I can run it on the laptop…  It seems that there were a couple of problems regarding how to merge the license instead of purchasing two separate licenses  But after talking to both the manufacturer of the software (ESET) and their seller here in Loveland, CO (used to be Web Your Business, but the information has been changed since then), I was able to get a 2-user license for 2 years for under $80 (American).  Definitely happy about that given that while I was moderately impressed with Avira on the desktop — I didn’t like how annoying it got about getting upgraded to the most recent version.  So, off it went and on went NOD32. 
     Not that viruses are really a problem on the laptop — as the only network that it routinely gets connected to is the homestead’s when I’m at home and synching things up between the notebook and the desktop.  And the last time that I was on a public Wi-Fi network was when I was in San Francisco and the only times I hit any sites were e-mail related, and occasionally Facebook to chat and play various games that I have going already. 

     So as I said in the last journal entry that there were a couple of things that I wanted to talk about.  On inspired by a conversation that I had with a friend about love and the pursuit of love….  The other was closer to home about a chain of events that had me pretty stressed and pretty pissed…  But at the time of the last journal entry I didn’t want to talk about them because I was over-tired and feared that in my talking about them, I would either come off too maudlin, or too bitchy/whiny… Now that I’ve gotten more than enough sleep, I might give one out of the two a go. 

     On Love…  I have always been fascinated why there are times when showing someone our affections, we act prideful and hurt and walk away without saying another thing to that person, or taking a "no" or a "not interested" as a challenge and trying even harder to prove that our affection would be the best thing in their lives.  Now granted this isn’t actually true, unconditional love but instead the start — affection, infatuation and attraction toward that person because of qualities we find appealing, or physically attractive and lusting after them.  I had tried to convince my friend that if that person is truly unaware of their affection that if they are truly walking away from that person and cutting that person out of their life, that perhaps an explanation is still in order because apparently the person of their affection simply was too blind or too oblivious to their affection. 
     My friend had said no; that person was smart enough they would have remembered or figured it out. 
     I kept my peace at that point and didn’t say anything about my personal experience on the matter as it would appear that I had reacted in a similar way as my friend had toward someone that I had tried to win the affections of.  The fact is, I reacted in a similar way that my friend did.  Particularly when I discovered that in my attempting to convey my affections to someone that I found attractive and appealing in writing, that person didn’t remotely read anything that I had said in those e-mail.  It was when it was put to type in instant messages — I rapidly began to realize that he hadn’t read my e-mails at all.  In fact, after stewing upon it for a couple of days after finding out that he wasn’t interested, realized that the interaction between this man whom I had found attractive and courted for his affections was using me for ego-stroking him for the photography that he had shared with me.  
     From the time of my conversation with my friend a couple of weeks ago to about last week, I had pondered trying to understand the fine line between when it’s dignity and when it’s pride; and to be honest, after it’s been banged around my head — I honestly couldn’t find whether there was actually a fine line between the two for my friend and myself.  And to be completely honest — I feel as though we had both acted in a prideful manner under not entirely unlike circumstances. 
     And the question that I have for myself in this — is how can I expect to teach my friend about putting their pride to the side when it’s pretty damned apparent that I hadn’t for myself? 

     Quite simply, I can’t.  To do so would be hypocritical at worst to "Learn from my mistakes in such matters," at best. 

     So, I’m back to wondering — when is it considered wise to walk away for the sake of dignity, and when is it unwise because of pride?  Another question for another time. 

     Well, that’s about it for the time being.  Until the next time.
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Categories: Romance/Relationships
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