Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 05/26/2009 08:46:10 AM – Mentat 511

Entry 05/26/2009 08:46:10 AM – Mentat 511

05/26/2009
     Day two of my four day weekend, and I wandered off to watch a couple of movies that I had purchased yesterday when I was out picking up a couple of other things (and apparently forgot to pick up some other things).  Yeah I know, I said that I was pretty burned out from picking up and watching movies — but while I was out I had also made the quick decision to get beer.  Well, after stopping at Wally World and getting some candy and other things that I needed around the house I decided against picking up the beer.  Heh, not surprising really given that when I left Wally World I had second thoughts about the beer — realizing that the only reason why I was wanting to pick up the beer strictly out of habit. 
     So here I’m sitting watching Max Payne realizing full well why the movie bombed at the box office.  What looked like something out of this world dealing with the supernatural (spirits and demons and angels) turns out to be nothing more than some twisted nonsense with drug dealing, conspiracy theories and betrayal.  Blah, blah, blah…  Tired, extremely predictable and even pedantic in nature.  And here I was hoping for a better story than Constantine.  Oh well…  Hopefully the sequel to Punisher won’t be as bad. 

     Yeah, so I was supposed to go out to Reflections Café the other night.  Turned out that I couldn’t as when I woke up at 6 PM to start getting ready, it was raining.  So by the time that it had stopped and I woke up again, it was 8 PM and pretty much useless.  Then last night I simply slacked.  Ha, that shouldn’t surprising either.  Then again, given that it’s a holiday and the buses only run until about 10:30’ish from Providence to Woonsocket, maybe it’s a good thing that I slacked as I wouldn’t really have all that much time to do much other than a cup of coffee before having to grab the last bus home. 
     Then again the other reason why I didn’t head out last night was because it was pretty damned cool last night.  Dropped to lower 50s F (10 C) by the time my iced coffee had and got down into the mid 40s F (7 C) by the time the sun had come up.  Heh, and to think that it’s supposed to be Mid-Spring and things are supposed to be a bit warmer this time of year.  *shrugging*  It’s going to be a cool year that’s for sure.  Eh, maybe tonight I’ll be able to head to bed early enough and get out of here to check things out.  After all, at least the last bus is in the vicinity of 11:30’ish PM. 
     Heh, we’ll see if I can keep my word on this. 

     Last night, I was sitting there watching a chat in DA, a mood had come across me watching the kids chatting, and going through the drama that I’ve seen so many times before.  It was an interesting the feeling that first struck me…  Déjà vu, the routine disgust of the egg-timer that I saw running that what I thought was a good environment was simply the maniacal acts of a control freak that’s going to wreck something that has a good potential, perhaps even a little of what’s called "divine apathy" that comes from knowing the way things play out with humans and humanity.  It wasn’t what I was seeing that had put me into my mood — but rather of an off-hand comment from other channel that had started the ball rolling for that mood…
     It was started all by asking the question, "Why don’t you ask a man out?" 
     Why not indeed… 
     I sat there in the channel where the drama was coming down and realized that I was old enough to be all of their father…  And for one moment chatting in there, I had wished to have been half my age if only to have a chance…  And then I thought about the attempts that I had made in the last couple of months — and how miserably they had gone….  And that’s about when my mood had hit me. 
     I realized as I was sitting there (and now as I’m working on this entry), that the person that I can blame in this is myself…  For the people that I had thought attractive, or worth trying to get to know better were clearly as screwed up as they come.  I wonder — because of this — am I blaming it not working out more on men my age and how damaged they are, or whether it’s me trying to pick those that I feel are more screwed up than myself in order to feel better about myself… 
     No that’s not entirely it.  Sure, there are elements where I’m picking them because I want to help them…  But is it to feel better about the damage that I had gone through more than 5 years ago?  Or simply to forget about those 4½ years for a moment?  Either or…  As I sit here in this mood still — it’s not the way to go.  Not the way to go at all. 

     Another question that I ask myself sometimes…  Who in god’s name would anyone want someone as intense and as fucked up as I can be sometimes?  Who in god’s name would be able to handle me in the middle of one of my hellfire argumentative crusades against stupidity?  And best of all — who would want to put up with my snoring and talking in my sleep in the middle of the day? 

     Well, definitely something I need to think about.  Until the next time.

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Categories: Romance/Relationships
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