Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 05/29/2009 02:56:36 AM – Mentat 512

Entry 05/29/2009 02:56:36 AM – Mentat 512

     Four days off and I rarely if ever want to make my way back to work.  Least of all on a night where I’m supposed to have my monthly one-on-one with my boss for the previous month.  But at least I was relatively satisfied with the results for last month, which is the primary reason why I’m relieved as I’m sitting here writing this journal entry.  Still though — in spite of that — I really don’t want to be here.   Really…  No…  I’m wanting to win some lottery over 150 million, and enjoying the beach someplace else than here… 
     That’s not entirely surprising either given that the weather’s been — once again — cooler than usual.  It dropped down to average out between 40 – 50 F (4 – 10 C) throughout my 4-day weekend.  *sighs*  No, I didn’t head down to Reflections Café as I had said I would.  Yes, it did rain at least three days out of the four, with only one day being way too cold even for me, and my having to shut the windows and doors that night.  And tonight, it really hasn’t changed all that much either, as it’s pretty damn chilly and raw, right down to the fact that we have this perpetual mist going on that makes me think I’m in some sort of rain forest.  I rather like it, but the resident New Englanders have been complaining up a storm about it being too cold for "almost June"…  At least for the moment I’ve been spared the usual rants about global warming and the end of the world as we know it is just around the corner.  *crosses fingers* Hopefully my relatives have been watching the news and various History/Science channels and have been paying attention to some of the debunk that’s been going on there. 

     So as of last entry, I did get to sit down and watch Punisher: War Zone, and I’m glad that it was significantly better than Max Payne.  Thank god, as I didn’t think I could stomach another bad movie without finding myself completely burned out from movie-watching altogether.  Ray Stevenson was pretty damned good in the role — certainly better than Thomas Jane in the previous version — of which I have to say that his Stevenson’s stoic and downright curmudgeonly attitude seemed closer to what I remember of The Punisher from the comic books.  It was quite the surprise to see Julie Benz in a movie, as I was getting rather used to seeing her act on television more.  About the only detractors that I found watching the film was Keram Malicki-Sanchez (Ink) who set off my gaydar in ways that were nauseating and put-offish, and Dash Mihok (Martin Soap) who was just a shade too spastic and geeky for my own taste.  But Mihok’s role was kept to a minimum right down to the pleasant surprise in his character’s involvement with the Punisher. 
     Since then though, I also decided on a re-visit to watching Underworld and Underworld: Evolution, if only to ensure that I was remembering the two properly after seeing Underworld: Rise of the Lyc6ans.  Seems that I did miss a couple of things in my remembering, which on the whole did fill in a couple of gaps that I had missed when watching it a couple of weeks ago.  Although re-watching them still doesn’t make the ending of Lycans any more palatable now then when I watched it a couple of weeks ago.  If anything, I think it reinforces my opinion that the ending for Lycans was simply yet another example of Hollywood attempting to re-write the past in order to make the story have a sort of "the good guy gets the bad guy in the end" ending.  Blah…  We know the villain gets it in the end — most of us have already seen the first two movies — doing it yet again is nothing but overkill anyway. 

     But this isn’t really the entire reason that I came to write this entry.  This is just the usual nonsense I use when I don’t want to delve into what I was feeling that caused me to sit down and write this entry…  In fact, this is my usual want to avoid delving into the potential for painful self-inspection.  It was an interesting chain of events that occurred during my weekend, that continued from my last entry on the self-blame/self-chiding that I had done for making futile attempts trying to get back into the dating scene and ending up being attracted to people that are just too screwed up for words.  When asked if it were really different between men and women by a friend of mine — I had told him quite simply that when it boils down — there really isn’t all that much difference between either sex.  Particularly when one is lacking self-esteem…  And while I had been explaining the issue and coupled with one of my unfinished projects that I had rough drafted a couple of weeks ago — I had come to the realization again that I really haven’t let go of Damion as I should have. 
     I find it rather hard to really given that for most of the year — even with the trials and tribulations he and I had gone through when I had planned my trip out to Seattle last year — I had been really happy.  I mean, sure I missed and really wanted physical intimacy (which I’ve been pretty much without for the last 5 years) — but at the same time emotionally and mentally I felt really, really good..  Satisfied…  Wanted…  And most of all, understood.  Heh, Damion might not think it was all that much that he could understand me — but he had no idea how frustrating it is for me to explain something, time and time again with family and friends, and them looking at me as though I were some Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.  It was certainly a relief to be able to say something to someone and them answering back understanding perfectly well. 
     Now that I’m coming up on 8 months since the two of us had parted ways — I’ve come to feel that I’m still only a man with half a heart. 
     I had talked with some of the folk in DA-Chat about this stating that I’ve been thinking about posting something to DAS as a means of letting go — but the truth of the matter is — I have never been really good at letting go of things in quiet, in secret, on the sly.  I have always been able to best let go by declaration and by others witnessing my declaration and proclamation… 
     So chances are, when I get home, and probably in the next couple of days, instead of submitting it as a secret to DAS as I had intended, I’m going to put it up in the usual places and then simply doing what I normally do during Emancipation Day (June 25) — simply walk away from it leaving it where it lies. 
     Funny thing that….  Seems that the older I get and the happier I am, the less likely I want to let go of things that have made me happy.  Sure, I let him go with my blessings (as I held no preconceived notions of what path the two of us were going to take) at the same time, I really didn’t let him go in my heart.  Of course, it doesn’t help matters as I’ve dreamed about Damion more than I have of Tommy — and Tommy had been quite the impact on my life.  And besides, while I’m good at keeping other people’s secrets; when it comes to me — I simply was never good at keeping things about myself to myself.  It’s easier this way as it allows me to keep my word through the pressure of knowing there are witnesses to me keeping my word…  
     And that’s what I’m going to do…  Finish it…  Upload it…  Let it all go… 

     Well that’s about it for the time being.  Until the next time.
Categories: Romance/Relationships
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