Home > Movies & Television > Entry 06/06/2009 01:05:27 AM – Mentat 513

Entry 06/06/2009 01:05:27 AM – Mentat 513


     T-Minus 5 days and counting…

     Well, it’s the weekend and less than 5
days away before I turn the wretch mini-milestone that I’m not entirely sure
whether I should be glad about, being completely apathetic about, or cringing
that it’s technically the age that I call the beginning of middle age.  Of course; the "fun" was coming
into work with the Aunt asking me, "so are you going to Boston for your

     "I don’t know."

     "Are you going to New York

     "I don’t know."

     "Well, where are you

     "I don’t know!" I get louder.

     "You don’t have to get louder with
me, all I’m doing is asking.  You could
just say, ‘I don’t know where I’m going.’"

     *face palm* 

     "I said, ‘I don’t know’, three
times.  Did you hear it or are you
looking for a precise OCD answer?" 
and then got intentionally louder, "Or do you actually need a
hearing aid in order to hear me?" 


     So as things quieted down here, I decided
to go look around the Boston area for a hotel… 
I seem to recall coming across a small hotel that had been converted
from a YMCA, but I’ll be damned if I can remember the name of it.  And I know that Fritz’ has a hotel/motel —
but I’m not sure whether I should be looking at the place while at work…  Meh, I might not do anything of the sort, and
simply head down to Providence instead. 
Get a room at the HI or such which will be in walking distance to the
bars in the area.  A mini get away
without having to worry about having to spend $60 or so for a one-way by…  Holy shit — $179 a night for
Providence?  *laughing*  this is just too wrong for words.  Although I do know which Marriott I was
looking at when I saw that price…  That’s
the one near to the old Providence Train Station. 

     I’ll be damned if I can remember the name
of what the Holiday Inn Downtown had changed its name to.  Meh, maybe it won’t be too bad to simply get
the cash together and get a taxi to get me into Woonsocket to walk the rest of
the way or something.  Oh wait, I think I
found it…  It’s a Hilton.  And it’s still quite the happy little
outrageous price now isn’t it…  *laughing
out loud*  It would appear that the best
price for this would be $139 a night. 
Really?  What does Providence have
to honestly offer those days I’m heading down there to have to cost that much
for that short a time?  Nothing, that’s

     More on this in the next couple of days
perhaps…  We’ll see if I plan anything or
just hide under the bed like promised. 


     Last weekend when I had gone out, I had
decided to pick up a couple of movies as well as prep myself for the horror of
one movie I had been given and have been using as a Coffee Coaster since it had
been given to me as a gift.  I picked up The Devil’s Tomb, add The Hulk to my collection (it seemed odd to me that for months
since The Incredible Hulk had come out,
I didn’t originally have it in my collection), and the Coffee Coaster — for
those of you that didn’t know I had it — Twilight.  Yes, you read that right.  I had been given the movie Twilight as a present of sorts (because
someone in the household knows of my fondness for dark, broody films and know
that this one was about vampires, but didn’t know that it was actually a love

Devil’s Tomb
while not being really spectacularly good — felt more like
a remake/upgrade to John Carpenter’s Prince of
.  If anything — I
consider it to be an improvement to Prince of
in the fact that it wasn’t quite as hokey.  About the only problem that I had was in the
movie’s dealing with the Nephilim.  The
instant that the shrouded creature that had been hidden in the block of Holy
Ice had been shown; I groaned because it looked more like some malevolent gray
alien that had escaped from Close Encounters of
the Third Kind
  My groaning was in fact intensified when one
of the remaining mercenaries lead by Cuba Gooding, Jr. had even asked whether
it was alien.  Great — so this movie is
trying to imply that our fear of gray aliens stems not from humanity’s inherent
xenophobia of aliens coming to Earth to perform experiments on us, but from
demons that fell out of the grace of god. 
No thanks, don’t believe it…  But
I’ll move on from that implication.
instead of some creature cast out from Heaven that took
the form of a devil or demon to wreck havoc on the frailty of humanity.

     I did like the fact that Gooding was in
fact quite serious in this film.  Which
is certainly an improvement to the bungling and bumbling sidekick character
that he’s been playing last decade.  I
definitely prefer to see him acting in serious roles as he seems rather than
comedic because I find him entirely too vacuous for comedy… 


     The Hulk
was after all, the Hulk.  Nothing really
new to say about this movie given that I’ve had to have seen the thing at least
2 times, and 20 times in segments when it was being aired on TNT, USA or
whatever channel had the exclusives for it some years back. 


though…  I’m sure that I’m going to raise
some ire when I say what I say.  I was
already told by one friend that I was pushing it when I ranted about it to her
on the phone.  But you know what — I
really don’t mind the ire, given the vitriol that had been building up while I
sat there watching it.  First off, I
understand precisely how this vapid, wretched piece of poo, which for the sake
of the argument call a movie had transformed giggling and cooing teenage girls
into complete raving Twitard Fanwanks. 
Because it absolutely appeals to the want for girls to fantasize about
some bad boy wanting to be good, and being the girl to make the bad boy become
better.  Reality check girls…  If you think you’re going to be able to
prance on out into the real world and think that you’re going to come across
some bad boy that’s going to get one look up your skirt (or in the case of this
movie, be upwind from the boy that suddenly realizes you’ve used FDS to mask
over the smell of, say menstruation) and suddenly try to be good — I can
guarantee you — all they’re trying to do is get the dress off, bang you once
or twice and completely forget you the instant they have their pants back on
and saying in a skid-mark kind of rush out the door, "Call you"…  No really — this is reality girls…  Get really, really used to it if you use this
movie as a model for finding a "bad boy". 

     However, as an added bonus to a completely
unrealistic view on what should have actually been a murderous band of night
dwelling undead, it also completely defangs the entire point of vampires by
turning them into "vegetarian" sparkling faeries!!! 
*eye roll* First off, anything that is drinking the blood of any other
creature other than humans makes them still quite carnivorous.  Calling Edward and his happy little vampire
family "vegetarian" is simply trying to delude the squeamish from the
fact that Vampires are in fact cannibalistic homo sapien killing machines
regardless of the fact that the Cullens prefer to feed on animals and not
humans.  Not to mention every time I
heard the word "vegetarian" in this movie — even when describing
Bella and her wanting to live her life as a rabbit — sounds grossly like
denial in my book not completely unlike this epic fail http://failblog.org/2009/01/27/denial-fail/

     Further; while I definitely agree that
everything about a vampire and their qualities would make them the most
appealing thing to humans as they are predators to humans, I strongly and
adamantly disagree that vampires should ever sparkle.  Faeries sparkle…  A disco ball sparkles…  Queerfolk in lamé sun frock and/or
rhinestones and sequins sparkle…  Blood
sucking mythological creatures bent on treating humans as their food source,
should not.  They should blend into the
shadows, even during the day…  They
should be nondescript until they choose their target for their next meal; and
while scent and visual appears would in fact make them attractive — sparkling
is going to make them the easiest target to spot.  They are after all predators.  This is what predators do — they’re quick
and slink, and skulk until the time they’re ready to pounce and then they do so
quickly,  This whole sparkling nonsense
was an illogical bolt-on to make vampires appear to have a weakness.  This is why the traditional weakness for
vampires has always been — *drum roll* going up like a torch in sunlight and
thus making them children of the night forever shunning life in daylight
because of this.  This is why they are
allergic to holy water, like many pregnant women are often allergic to
shellfish.  Sparkling, as the Cullens do
through Edward’s example by going to the top of some random hill in Washington
State only seems to be adding the charm to what I call craptacular.

     Now we come to my favorite portion of the
review; the characters…  We’ll start with
Bella…  *groans* Clearly Bella was a
Mary-Sue for Meyers in the screenplay; given that Meyers apparently is a
frumpy, middle-aged housewife that acts like she’s been married too soon for
her own good.  So Meyers goes off and
makes such a nauseatingly perfect character like Bella that the only thing that
I could possibly wish for, was an untimely death involving a threshing machine
or as an appetizer for some random Japanese monster produced by Toho
Studios.  I decided on going out and
searching for the typical litmus test for determining whether or not Bella is a
Mary Sue, and had reached 34 by the time I had reached question 24.  As I didn’t want to continue further for
fearing that I would go from disgusted to nauseated — I stopped to come back
here.  Yep.  Mary Sue.. 
Please Bella — at any point during this disgusting little piece of
Mary-Sue fantasy suffer a painful death anytime now, thanks.  Doesn’t happen?  Well, it happened in my mind shortly after I
pulled the DVD out of the player and put it back on my desk as a Coffee

     Then there’s Edward Cullen and his happy
little family of vampires…  *puking a
little in my mouth*  Take one part the
role-playing game that came out in 1998 called Vampire:
The Masquerade
when it comes to "magical powers" for vampires,
two parts Louis, Lestat and Claudia from Interview
from a Vampire
on the Cullens being "vegetarians" and feeding
on animals instead of humans as well as working as a family unit against gangs
of "evil" vampires, and one part unrealistic writing, and you get the
hint about how they had been presented within the movie, and how after watching
the scene in the Cullen Household, I was wishing for a random meteor strike to
end this story rather quickly.  Pity too,
given that I rather liked Peter Facinelli as an actor.  After watching his bit role in this, I now
realize he’s as much an acting whore as Ben Kingsley was for taking the role of
The Hood in Thunderbirds (2004). 

     The villains while attempting to add a
little spice to the movie, really do nothing more than further defang the whole
tension of the story — particularly when Laurent (Edi Gathegi) suddenly shows
up at the Cullen Vampire Family Glass Spectacle one would call a house for the
dementedly rich, and not afraid of being complete disco balls when nobody else
is looking — telling the Cullens that James and his fur-loving sidekick that
probably caused many PETArds to seizure at her love of what looked like she was
wearing a shag rug were in fact quite evil and he was tired of their 300 year
creepiness.  Please.  Evil actually tries to plan things out and be
conniving — these two are simply psychotic and two-dimensional at that.  Jason Voorhees actually showed better signs
of being evil even when they had made him into a complete cardboard cut-out in Jason X (otherwise known as Jason is sent to
space because there’s no place on earth that’s really scared of him
anymore).  And Bella *vomits again a
little in my mouth*…  Well she does what
every Mary-Sue ever does — sacrifices herself to save her family and keep the
Cullens out of the mess, and
Sure it sets up the rest of the books I’m sure, what with Miss
All Seeing Cullen who looked more like she escaped from a Manga Comic by way of
a really bad day at Drag Queen University who can see the future but no one
really believes in her ability other than the all-viewing audience, tells
everyone she’s going to be a vampire anyway — there’s no stopping it even

     About the only thing that saved this film
wasn’t the fact that I made it to the ending without wanting to spork my eyes
out in the process, but instead on the damage the DVD had suffered at the hands
of my scraping various mugs, cups, sharp objects, and the DVD against the desk
itself because I could.  I found it
particularly amusing when reaching various parts of the scraping and
scratching, the characters within the story acted like they had Asperger or
Tourette’s Syndrome until I had to force the slider passed the place where it
had been skipping.  It definitely made my
appreciation of the movie fun to watch, and enough to make this wretched
Mary-Sue Fantasy just a little bit more enjoyable. 


     And yes — http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation
did in fact influence me just a little bit in writing this critique.  Without the language of course, because some
places this gets posted to gets their tits in a twist if I make it too R rated.    Cheers!


     Well that’s about it for the time
being.  Until the next time.

Categories: Movies & Television
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