Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 08/04/2009 11:05:14 PM – Mentat 523

Entry 08/04/2009 11:05:14 PM – Mentat 523

08/05/2009
 

     So since the last entry, I’ve been having a reoccurring theme to the dreams that I’ve been having…  Although I’ll be damned if the timing on these dreams isn’t serendipitous…  Seems that three of the dreams I’ve had in the last week have ended up with me being back in the apartment that I used to have in Atlanta before I moved out of the city (and the state).  In the first dream it was like a wasteland of an apartment: as though were part of the backdrop for some sort of post-war holocaust (Read: The usual sort of dreams I have after playing games like Half Life or Final Fantasy VII).  The apartment in the dream was pretty barren — and so was the apartment complex for that matter.  I remember getting into the apartment through the back wall (where the kitchen was).  I recall vividly that there was no electricity and less furniture than I used to own.  It was night when I was in there and the hole in the back wall was sort of covered up by a plastic tarp.  I remember standing in the apartment looking around the rooms that used to serve as the bedroom and for a moment or two I was wondering why I had to come back to the apartment, and later on what it was that I was waiting for.  I had felt like I was waiting for someone or something, but I wasn’t entirely sure what it was.  It was just that feeling like I was there for a reason, and that reason was to wait there and see. 

     In the second dream, I couldn’t actually get into the apartment that I used to live in because it was locked up more tightly than a vault.  So all I could to was look into the corner windows of the apartment to see that the apartment had been as empty as the time I had first moved in.  Again, like the dream before it was at night when I went to the apartment and the complex.  The most noticeable difference with this dream was that the apartment was one of the corner apartments (the apartments at the end of the building which had windows to two sides of the room), not like the apartment I had which was more toward the middle of the building/complex that I used to live at (which only had windows to the front and back of the apartment).  Also, the apartment and the apartment complex looked in better shape than the dream before. 

     In the third dream, I was in the building (in the complex) across from the building that I used to live in, and in this dream I was also unable to get into the apartment as well.  In this dream, the apartment was also part of some sort of dorm/campus and that I had owned the campus.  I had lived with a couple of other students and getting into the building told one of the students I had been living with that I was going to give it to him, including the 23 underground levels (with the bottom-most level being a sort of arboretum that as several acres huge) as I was going to take the 20-some odd floors above ground and call it a home.  Yeah, this one was by far a divergence from the other dreams that I had through the week, but the central theme dealt with the main building of the apartment complex that I used to live in, in Druid Hills Atlanta. 

 

    It’s pretty apparent from being awake that there’s something about the old apartment that I’m feeling as though I’ve forgotten something there, and I’m only going to be able to find whatever it is that I’ve forgotten (or lost) by going back there.  *sigh*  Thinking more than a little bit on it while I’m sitting here and watching the third seasons of Alias — I think the last dream (and the dream before) was triggered by some of the thoughts that I had on the way home from work the last couple of days of the work week. 

     While for the most part I’ve been happy the last couple of months since I’ve turned 45, I’m back to feeling as though something’s missing from me.  Dating, romance — companionship (other than my cat who’s back to sticking to me like wet on rain).  Also my writing muse that I’ve had for so many years seems to have been on hiatus for entirely too long.  Finally, the thing that I’ve been also thinking a bit about on the way to and from home — is that maybe it’s long since time to stop being quite the hermit that I’ve been most of this decade. 

     Maybe it’s long since time. 

 

     Of course, during these trips to and from home, music blaring…  The usual experience of pushing myself as hard as usual up and down the hills…  What I was thinking about on the way home Monday morning has to do with the finesse that I pull off at sabotaging casual attempts at chatting me up.  I was talking with someone from the CT area that was looking for companionship.  From what he was tell me, he married and has two children.  Wanted to spend time with a man again (as the last one that he dated left him 8 months into the relationship, or something of the sort).  What do I tell him?  Heh, I tell him I’ve been out of the closet 30 years now. 

     Way to go, Michael.  Nothing like giving the man images of my being part of the gay stereotype.  For the win, in fact. 

     On the flip side, I thought about it and I’m not sure whether or not I had been justifying the sabotage…  After all, here’s another man that has children, was married for x amount of years and then coming out of the closet.  Unconsciously there’s all the same elements I had gone through with Rick and seeing well…  4 years of the bullshit and hell I had gone through with him…  And well… Unconsciously I did what I could to make sure it would go positively nowhere, and fast. 

 

     So as I sit here with the sun coming up, the temperature slowly warming, and more episodes of Alias playing on…  I can’t help but think how does a middle-aged man who’s survived 4 years of abuse, and 4 years of picking one self up off the ground get back into the saddle, maybe think about dating, and lord knows try to get back in touch with the creative elements that I feel have atrophied after so many years.  I know…  I’ve been down this road before in my journal entries…  The issues that I’ve talked about have been rather annoying:  the fact that my weekend is the beginning of the work week 95% of the state…  the fact that I work night-shift… 

     Some of the speculations (and observations) as to how the "community" operates up here…  What little they have for groups, get-togethers and potlucks being on the weekends it still revolves around the clubs and bars in downtown Providence.  And while there’s a bit more to offer in Boston, that’s still 60 miles from here, it’s still quite a distance to trying to get involved with the community up there.  That’s like living in Druid Hills and trying to get involved with the community and networking in the upper part of Kennesaw.  This means several hours of public transportation to and from the center of town. 

     Anyway, I’m wondering…  Am I attempting to make up excuses to follow paths more familiar for me?  Or is it really that difficult? 

 

     More on this another time.  Right now, I have other things to do.  Until the next time. 

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Categories: Romance/Relationships
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