Home > Life or something like it > Entry 10/15/2009 04:49:23 AM – Mentat 536

Entry 10/15/2009 04:49:23 AM – Mentat 536

10/16/2009
 

     Good god if my dreams haven’t taken a turn to the über-bizarre. 

     Seems that in this dream I had been homeless once again and that I had been some sort of war-hero, or ex-military.  I couldn’t be quite sure because I didn’t really talk all that much to myself.  I did wander about the city with a couple of other people as I was trying to figure out where I was and why I was there.  At first, people were trying to tell me that I was in a city in Connecticut, but it turned out that I was in San Francisco for a long period of time before I eventually did end up in Hartford (or Manchester).  I recognized which city I had been in because of the hotel that I had walked by (which coincidentally the hotel that I had recognized was in fact the Marriott Long-Wharf which is in fact from Boston, Ma, instead).  During my wandering through San Francisco, I had come across evidence that there had been some sort of alien incursion that was coming in through the bay.  There hadn’t been enough proof of the aliens being there — as all I could find were bits and pieces of their being there within the bay, but had moved on since.

     From there I had ended up in a city in Connecticut, talking with one of the other homeless people in what looked like a convenience store (but later ended up being something along the lines of the lobby like a VA Hospital).  While talking with the man, the woman that was in this sort of lobby/convenience store had asked me for something.  I think it was my papers or credentials or something.  I remember telling her that I couldn’t give them to her as I wasn’t carrying them.  I think I also told her something about needing to get them renewed (or something along that line). 

     I had wandered from this lobby toward the shipping docks checking out whether or not the aliens had made their way here and while I had some issues trying to maintain my balance while walking through the piers, I couldn’t find anything that would indicate that the aliens had made their way to the East Coast. 

     This is where it had gotten strange.  It went from first person, to third person — as though I had been watching a movie — where the person that was playing me was Johnny Knoxville…  Yeah, weird that — but it’s pretty apparent even in hindsight that the reason why was because of the fist-fight that had occurred between me being played by Johnny Knoxville, and another of the homeless person had been too close to the crap that I went through with Rick that I didn’t want to be reliving any of it. 

     The very last part of the dream as of Knoxville playing me, and waking up in a house of a family in the lower-class section of the city in Connecticut.   He had explained to them that the issues regarding the aliens was just a conspiracy created by the government and that whatever delusion he/I had been suffering was because of prolonged exposure to drugs.  It came out as an impoverished (and sincere) plea for help that the family took upon themselves to assist. 

     From there it was a jump awake and then another short dream involving me building some sort of SAN/Data Center in the basement and that some of the people at work certainly wondered why I would be doing that and what parts they would be expecting coming into work while I wasn’t there… 

 

     Like I said…  truly bizarre. 

 


 

[Last Edited: 10/15/2009 08:19:25 AM]

 

     So it’s been quiet on this side of the world.  Had a couple of really amazing questions asked of me this weekend…  The kind of questions that while I found the answers deep within me, definitely gave me quite a bit of thought and ponderings to ensure that the answers that I had found, were the ones true to my heart.  Further it caused my own questions given the source of these two… 

 

     What would be the single most defining element that you would like your life to mean, regardless of the karma, responsibilities and if you have the money that you’d need…? 

 

     My answer then, as it is now, and for as long as I’ve been walking this planet is Love.  All my life I’ve been on the outside looking in and while I’ve always wanted to share my life with another man for the remainder of my days, in a happily ever after — I had also had a love of exploring.  A love of asking questions and finding the answers.  A love of living life.  A love to finding the meaning of life and understanding not only the physical universe but the metaphysical. 

     It took me a long time to work through all the events that had lead up through my life to my epiphany when I was twenty-five to understand the words of a song that I had since the moment I had heard it, realized that I had believed in it for most of my life were the words from the Flirtation’s song "Everything’s Possible" that goes:

 

And the only measure of your words and your deeds….  Will be the love you leave behind when you’re gone. 

 

     And while I might not have someone in my life, I try my best to spread love however I can.  To friends new and old.  To touching lives however that I can.  Sometimes for their betterment, sometimes for the lessons that some people need to learn.  Sometimes even simply to share camaraderie about likes and dislikes. 

     Sure it’s not as comforting as coming home after a long day, and finding someone in the house that I can give a kiss to and talk about the events of the day — I do understand what it was like for my grandmother to do all the work (missionary and support) she had done since the 70s.  Some of the satisfaction and the fulfillment of the work performed. 

 

     More on this later…  Right now it’s the end of my night and I’m off to watch maybe one more episode of SG-1 before I get ready for work.  Until later. 

 

[Last Edited: 10/16/2009 04:59:52 AM]

 

     All righty, so I have two weeks of vacation set up for the next couple of months — one week in November (around Thanksgiving which I’m going to keep as a sort of staycation).  The other is for December, although I haven’t quite decided yet whether or not I actually want to travel for the holiday, or pull another sort of staycation as well.  We’ll see though on that given that I’ll have plenty of time to plan for that particular vacation.  But anyway enough on that…  To continue from yesterday. 

 

     I’ve been mulling over the other question on what it mean to be a hero in other people’s lives, which I have to admit crosses across my Superman Syndrome that I’ve fought for most of my adult life.  Given the person that had asked about this/discussed with — I realize that this young man is also going to be fighting this syndrome most of his life as well. 

 

     Being a hero in one’s own life and in the lives of others should never be about swooping in to other people’s lives and trying to save them from whatever issues that they might be going through.  It’s about being there when someone needs it and through example, allow the person that needs the help to help themselves. 

     Heck, in my years of struggling through my Superman Syndrome, one of the things that I learned to master was the feeling of helplessness I would routinely feel when knowing the answer and telling people what I had learned, only for them to completely ignore it and go about screwing up further before they found the answer that I had already provided to them from earlier.

     Being a hero (or someone other can look up to) isn’t about the glamour or the recognition of the things done for other people.  In fact, one of the best sayings that I ever heard covers this rather well:

 

"How do you know the chosen ones? No greater love hath a man, then he lay down his life for his brother. Not for millions, not for glory, not for fame, for one person, in the dark. Where no one will every know or see."

 

     It’s about moving quietly through the world.  It’s about making changes without always having those changes seen by the world.  It’s about affecting people’s lives without donning the cape and stopping bullets.  It’s about the gratification of a job well done without so much as getting a thank you for the recognition of that work.

     You basically get the gist.   Of which is what I’ve been thinking about the last couple of days.

 

     Well, this is it for the time being.  Until the next time.

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