Home > Life or something like it > Entry 12/24/2009 07:56:50 AM – Mentat 546

Entry 12/24/2009 07:56:50 AM – Mentat 546


     Quite some time since the last time I sat down and wrote a journal entry, and it took actually buckling down and responding to an e-mail to a friend of mine for me to realize what the problem was that I was having.  It would seem that during the Yuletide spirit that everyone’s hustling and bustling through, I am having the usual sort of avoidance issues that come from realizing I was going through the fear, anger and stress that comes unconsciously from experiencing the 5 years of holiday hell I used to go through with the psycho ex during the month of December.  For the last couple of weeks, I had been experiencing the usual complete and utter avoidance of wanting to delve into any self-reflection, feelings or issues that I have going on during this time of year all because if I were to demonstrate any sort of negative feeling, any feeling whatsoever — would open up the usual insanity go-round that I was taking away from the princess meltdown moment Rick had been experiencing because of working in retail and dealing with people during the commercialism of the Christmas Holiday.  So, through the years of experiencing that grief, I would simply buckle down and make sure I was completely harmless and invisible while the princess has his daily meltdown. 

     I admit that I was lucky the last couple of years.  One year with being with Damion, in spite of the rather hurting way things had been around the holiday season that left me pretty devastated, and last year after the two of us had broken up the year and a day later was too numb to really face anything other than waking up for another day to get through.  Now that I’m alone, and having the time for myself and the Hellbeast, quite unconsciously, I returned to the same post-traumatic stress that I would experience this time of year… 

     Sad really when I think about it.  Here I am, knowing that I should be well aware of it having experienced it first hand the first five years of the twenty-first century, and the ghost of the next five after that I should have prepared for the possibility of it…  But at the same time I had thought myself healed of it (for the most part) for those two years with Damion.  Guess this is something I’m going to need to keep in mind for a few more years before I can make any claim of being "healed". 


     Christmas Eve 2009…

     I’m pretty knackered at the moment as I got home from another full night of work, putting in my 40 for the week and knowing I still have another 24½ hours to go before my weekend.  At least the good thing is that tonight I have a night off, which is definitely needed as I don’t think I could contain my anger another night of dealing with folk coming in from various parts of the world for vacation/holiday time in the City of Sin and having as much common sense and troubleshooting experience one could expect from one’s family goldfish.  In fact, I had one last night that my blood was seriously boiling and my blood pressure was skyrocketing because not only did the git completely lie during the call, he absolutely positively refused to do any rudimentary troubleshooting of his own equipment automatically assuming that the network was broken and not the configuration of his laptop that was completely clapped-out and knackered.  The words, "listen you fucker…" was on the top of my tongue and if he had so much as swore at me, he would’ve gotten an earful of that (and then some). 

     That call reminded me too much of that time back when I was working at Practice|Works in Atlanta, which after almost 12 hours of fighting with Rick, got something like 3 hours of sleep and ended up taking my frustrations out on each and every call that came in.  Heh, to give you an idea on how bad that day was, I was getting written up for call quality/call monitoring of that day for almost 4 weeks afterward. 

     Heh *smiling sheepishly* it would appear that I still have lessons to learn about patience when dealing with intentional ignorance and obdurate stupidity. 


     Now that admission is good for the soul, I’m feeling pretty relieved now that I realize the reason for the frenetic mood I’ve been in since the last journal entry and why it’s been so damned difficult for me to sit down and actually write this entry.   Snow…  god, we got a foot and a couple of inches of that over the weekend last weekend (as I had said to some people and uploaded some of the photos to Facebook and DA).  Ugh to that too…  Here I was hoping for more of the threat of snow without any actually falling, but that wasn’t the case.  I ended grabbing the passenger oh-my-god bar to the point where my knuckles were white, partially because the hills had been extremely slippery, but mostly because these folk that have lived in Rhode Island most of their lives have positively no recollection of driving in snow 4 months of the year.  Further, with the lackadaisical manner the cities and towns are about actually plowing the streets since the Blizzards of ’78 and ’96 the roads in my neighborhood hadn’t been done until almost 3 in the afternoon.  Hell, from what I could tell some of the major roads that lead to hospitals and clinics hadn’t been done until almost noontime in my hometown.  This is particularly sad given that the snows had stopped at about 7:30 AM by the time I got home from work that morning. 

     And work has been rather comical and camp (excluding the usual nonsense of dealing with some people with no clue calling in for support).  I got into work on Saturday the 19th and was greeting with someone looking at me with complete surprise and saying to me, "What are you doing here?  Aren’t you supposed to be on vacation?" 

     "No," I began, "I’m supposed to be here." 

     After it being strongly suggested that I call the on-call manager of the night, I had worked out that I would be working alone from 2 AM until 6 AM when the day folk would be trickling into work.  It wasn’t going to bad really given that it was Saturday night and Saturday nights aren’t too bad, and the other that the West Coast was going to be online during that time (unlike the three other times in the past when it was just our call center and being left alone for 1 – 3 hours between evening shift leaving and day shift coming in).  Still though it was wonderfully peaceful that night, and only received something like 4 calls during that time. 

     During this week, I got my annual review and did pretty well.  While I didn’t make the upper tier of the pay raises, I was pleased with the raise that I did get.  I admitted during that meeting that it had been a particularly stressful year given the nonsense that I had to put up with for at least 7 months of the last year and 8 months total with the childishness that had reigned as master during 3rd shift. I was also informed that during the year end review that things would be changing as expected for January which gives me more than a little hope for a positive 2010 there.  I also volunteered to lend my expertise in getting the central knowledge base cleaned up and running when the new program is put into play sometime next year.

     Good thing too given the insanity of the current knowledge base for the various markets and how difficult it can be following the instructions given the manner which they have been written.  (My friend Julia would probably have a stroke if she saw the manner their technical papers are written *grinning*). More on that next year when it launches. 


     As for the rest; let’s see if I can get through the next couple of weeks without another near implosion like last night.  That and perhaps think about planning another vacation/trip someplace for the first quarter of next year to get away from things and check out the sights.  That’s about it for the time being.  Off to listening to music, read a little; and pass out unconscious with the cat that’s looking at me like I haven’t been here for the last decade.

     Until the next time.

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