Home > Life or something like it > Entry 01/01/2010 12:41:43 AM – Mentat 548

Entry 01/01/2010 12:41:43 AM – Mentat 548

01/01/2010
 

     As I ring in the New Year at the desk I’m all too familiar with (the place that seems to be feeling more and more like the second home that I don’t want to call my second home away from home), I’m checking through my resolutions for last year and realizing that out of the 12 resolutions that I had put to paper, I completed 50% of them.  Not too shabby personally but I’ve done better in the past.  There’s one that still sort of sticks in my craw that I seriously need to work on and another that I find myself running away from given the turn of events in the last couple of weeks.  But I’ll be getting to that more in this journal entry later on…

     Looking back at the year, I realize this one has been particularly challenging.  From working with complete children in the roles adults should be performing (a trait I rapidly find disgusting to deal with given that I see it more from New Englanders than any other region I’ve lived in in my life), to finding myself reverting back to the powerless nerd/geek of my childhood expecting others to do the right thing and handle the situation instead of taking it in hand myself and acting upon stopping this from happening.  To even finding myself dealing with the problems in a passive-aggressive manner (which is something I’ve picked up along the way when dealing with conflict thanks largely to the 4½ years of conflict I had put up with when living with Rick). 

     To dealing with the beginning of the year and having to let go of Damion…  Yeah that was fun…  *twirls finger in the air* I’d rather have my teeth extracted without Novocain than go through that sort of pain again.  I eventually came out of it, even though toward the end of that year, I was once again facing the post-traumatic meltdowns I used to go through with Rick during the holidays.  (Feeling like running through a minefield while a machine gun’s firing over the top of my head has never been a festive feeling to have during the most commercial time of the year).  Now that I’m on the other side of most of that — and realizing that is what I’ve been going through the last 3½ weeks might actually help me get through the post holiday depression that I sometimes go through with a little less stress than I had in the past.  *crossing fingers*

     To the routine insanity with family…  But there’s nothing new to speak about there, so moving on from that. 

     On the plus side I’ve gotten back in contact with a couple of people I haven’t chatted with in forever.  Chris (even though he’s quiet on Facebook).  Some of my friends from high school…  I’ve met a bunch of wonderful folk over on Deviant Art that have made the world of difference in my Mad Scientist mutations with Apophysis and got me interested in Incendia…  Met a young man that is more like my mirror than I’m willing to admit to him, right down to some of the issues that he’s got going on in his life at the present time.  Have a couple that look at me like the gay big-brother that they’ve never had…  And while I haven’t actually settled down like I’d like to — at the same time feeling like I’m needed and loved isn’t as bad a feeling as I used to think it was. 

 

     So it’s 2010…  A new decade and the end of a horrendous one in the world as I know it.  While life here is more than a little calm now that the children have been split up (and holding to hoping that one of the rumors that I’ve heard is true), and things are going into the routine long haul until the next set of holidays, I’m sitting here on the eve of the New Year with a small plate of issues that require my attention…  Like what’s sitting in my inbox at one LGBT site…  Like what I want for this year’s resolutions…  Like what I can do about improving self and the Mad Scientist Art that I like to hobby my free/down time with.  And the usual personal growth that I usually want to do through the year and with my life…  No doubt it’s going to be something I’ll be thinking about in days to come. 

 

     The news that I’ve been biting at the bit about…  It starts with a story…  (a story one person has already heard this evening, no names mentioned of course).   One that starts about the same time that I first started making my way to the internet back in 1989.  I was 24 at the time and while I had been coming out of my shell, I still didn’t have quite as many friends as I would later make.  One of them was Rob. 

     Now Rob and I would hang around during my off time, and while a majority of the beginning of our time together would be exclusively at the dance clubs and bars, closer to May and June of that year, I’d spend time with him at malls, or shopping, or at his place.  While I liked him has a friend, I had positively no interest in him other than platonically because 1. He was a Gemini (and as a general rule I will never ever want to date a Gemini as I consider it a sort of astrological incest), and 2. he simply lacked the kind of charm that I would find attractive. 

     June of 1989 I had made it a point to celebrate my birthday for the entire month because I had reached the quarter of a century mark, and also because I had finished reading several Alice A Bailey books and finally began to see my place in the world.  It is also considered the month that I finally felt the necessary self-esteem and self-worth.  Yes, this was also the month that I had felt my epiphany that had changed the way I had approached people and life in general. 

     About mid-way through the partying in the month of June, I had decided that with my increased self-worth and self-esteem that I wanted to go to P-town and enjoy the sites there without feeling the niggling self-doubts that I normally felt being around other queerfolk and invited Rob to come along for the Independence Day Weekend.  He agreed and we did half-planning through the next week about what to do and where to stay for the 3-day weekend. 

     Next day worth mentioning was June 25th — traditionally my personal holiday which I call Emancipation Day.  Rob and I hit Gerardo’s because he didn’t have his fake ID or his real ID on him and didn’t want to be carded, so we went over to the twink bar that was known for not carding.  Had a couple of drinks, did a little dancing…  That’s when I met Darin.  Rob cut out early that evening knowing that he could see the sparks flying between us and gave the two of us the space.  He didn’t mind really, he said he was tired or gave me some sort of excuse about wanting to leave early.

     Saw Rob again on I think Wednesday night at his parent’s house with friends over, and completely mocked and ridiculed me behind my back and to my face the entire time I had been there.  At the end of the night, Rob tells me to check my front seat, finding a note there from him.  Basically I found a note that he wrote telling me the reasons why he didn’t want to go because he didn’t want to feel like a third wheel (something I’ve been good about never letting single and non-single friends ever feel when I’m around), and that I had to make a choice between him or Darin.  I got into the car, and drove off making my choice at that point. 

     Weeks became months and in the time between then and about a year and a half later, I met up with all the friends that had been over that he had mocked and humiliated me in front of that night all apologizing to me for that night, and telling me stories about how Rob had thought that the two of us had been dating and rings had been exchanged and how much of a wretch I had been about dumping him the way that I had for Darin.  I accepted all of their apologies explaining that Rob and I had never once considered dating, how I never had an interest and apologized that Rob had gotten that impression from our time together bar hopping the way we did.

     I ran into Rob about that year and a half-later working as a short-order waiter at one of the all-night Greasy Spoons over on Allens Avenue in Providence.  He denied any of the stories that I had been told and expected me to apologize for the bad things that I had said to him. 

     Darin had been with me at the time, and I didn’t quite apologize but gave him my well wishes and positive message of letting bygones be bygones, while at the same time silently vowing never to see him again given that I got the distinct impression that he had been lying the whole time when he was denying the accusations that I had brought to his attention from his friends. 

 

     Fast forward 20 years…  I’m having a particularly difficult time sleeping and wake up at about 4 in the afternoon and can’t quite fall back to sleep immediately.  Get up and check the usual places for messages to see what I can see.  DA has a couple of messages from the work that I uploaded.  FB is quiet other than the status updates from friends and what’s going on in their lives.  Go through the LGBT messages and come across one from some 34 year old telling me his name was Rob and that he had been looking for me for some years. 

     I read, and re-read that message while remembering a couple of Robs in my life, none of them would be in his age range.  Fired back a response stating that the only Rob that I know (from around here) was the one I stopped talking with back when I started dating Darin. 

     Got a response from him the next day stating that it was one in the same and that he had had been looking for me, how he had missed me, how he always had feelings for me…  And on and on.  Left his phone number/cell phone number in the message and suggested strongly that I should call him.

     IN ALL CAPS. 

     Red lights and warning sirens going off in my head the entire time as I re-read the message and re-checked his profile just to make sure I had read it right the first time around. 

     Yep, I thought.  It does say 34.  Which means that he had to be 14 when we had first met back in 1989.   Which is summarily a lie, given that he had a car and he could drive back then, and I could have sworn that he was around 20 in that year.  Which also means that he continues to lie about himself, and be intentionally deceiving. 

     I pushed it off for that morning and that evening wanting to mull about this more than a little bit, recalling as much of the details as I could (particularly given that I don’t have the physical note that Rob originally wrote as it had been destroyed in a basement flood back when I turned 30 (1994)).   I also wanted to talk to someone about it so that I could get the facts straight before I committed myself to responding (thanks Troy for that – oh wait — no names mentioned.  Heh, my bad).

     However, before I got to talk to someone about it, I find in my inbox once again something from Rob — still in ALL CAPS — thinking that I was still mad at him hence the reason why I hadn’t written him near instantaneously.  

 

     Mad?  No…  Still hearing the warning bells and seeing the red lights as I feel a steel bar is being pushed through my stomach on how insecure he seems to be demonstrating?  Yes…  definitely. 

 

     I wrote him telling him that I had to work some hardcore OT (which I am — 28 hours total time before my next weekend off — which equates to 2 days of my work shift and 8 hours OT for New Year’s yes) and that I’ll be in contact with him on Sunday.  Which I still get another message, still in ALL CAPS — Wishing me a Happy New Year. 

 

     Seriously though…  Damn!  Are all New Englanders this freakishly scary?  I mean, some of the ones that I’ve talked with in Boston were seriously and severely screwed up…  Thom and his on-again/off-again boyfriend that killed himself and wanting to re-ignite another relationship in precisely the same way that one did before it ended.  Sean and his thinking that being completely upfront including every intricate detail of his damage and dysfunction within the first 20 minutes of chatting with me is being truthful and honest.  Rob…  Jackson and drawing the line as to whether we’re going to get serious after one coffee date and lacking any ability to communicate in type or talking (yet at the same time showing off nude pics of himself in his messenger window while we’re making arrangements for another coffee date with people from Boston to San Francisco).  And that’s only for the last couple of years since my return to the biggest little.  I won’t even cover the ones that just wanted sex, in spite of the fact my profile reads more for relationship than anything else. 

     Heh!  And sitting here…  Writing about this as a sort of sum up…  I can see why every time I make the attempt to finding someone remotely "normal" or at least able to handle the good and the bad of themselves, I remind myself of these sort of people and am almost glad that I don’t remotely make the effort and try to keep as far away from ’em as possible — looking for saner people clear across the country instead. 

 

     Getting back to the point though — I’m going to steer well clear of Rob, and gracefully bow out from trying to re-establish contact with him..  And be ready for a drama queen shit storm in case that goes south from my response.  And the other one sitting in my inbox..  I’ll write about another time and tell how that goes. 

 

     Well that’s about it for the time being.  Off to work a little on responses, on fractals, and of course, on what I want to do with myself for this year.  Until the next time.

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