Home > Life or something like it > Entry 02/2/2010 07:53:45 AM – Mentat 552

Entry 02/2/2010 07:53:45 AM – Mentat 552

02/02/2010

Entry 02/2/2010 07:53:45 AM – Mentat 552

 

     A little over a week has passed since the last journal entry, and yet it feels like a month to me.  From the surprises, the highs, the elations, the revelations, the old issues from the distant past, the depression and disheartening feelings that came afterward….  It has been a hell of a roller coaster that while everything’s evened out this weekend, I’m still trying to make sense of it all.   In a way, I’m not happy that it’s the end of the weekend, as I need to get my thoughts into work-mode for this evening when I head in this evening — and I honestly don’t think that I want to.  But then again, there’s plenty of things that I don’t like doing — and have to do them anyway, eh?

 

     To get some perspective I have to start last weekend, however I’m sort of anxious about doing that considering that in doing so, I find myself in the quagmire of anxiety that I began feeling at the end of the weekend which for the last 6 days has caused me to start and stop this entry at least five-hundred times.  But yet at the same time, I can’t find it within me to do any justice without going through it all over again…  So here goes.  For the 501st time…

 

     Have you ever reached the point in your life that, after surviving through hell and high water and going through countless years of bullshit and various forms of insanity that things just simply cruise along and are sort of comfortably numb?  That in that comfortably numb feeling that in the moments in between things make their sort of sense and you strongly believe that you’ve got a strong understanding of your karma (what’s expected of you in the years to come) even though it’s not quite what you want it to be?  That you see the lessons you’re going to be learning, and while some of them are very challenging you think that you’re going to be more than capable of handling yourself through most of them?  That the order of the universe seems within your mental grasp?

     And then you find out just how wrong you are about it all and everything that you thought you understood doesn’t make a stitch of sense whatsoever? 

     That’s what I went through last weekend, when I had found out that a friend that I had grown rather close to in the last three months turns out that the lesson I thought I was learning wasn’t really the lesson that I should have been learning at all.   You see, when I first met him I knew there was just something different about him and that difference was enough to tweak me into feeling somewhere between intrigued and curious and more than a little bit of that spark I feel when I’m attracted to someone.  That attraction had turned into a sort of infatuation and in spite of the fact that he had been attached to someone, that attraction and infatuation quickly turned to respect and cherishing the interchange between the two of us; because of the dynamic between us was sort of teacher/student (in both directions), friend and brother. 

     Then last weekend, I decided that we were at that point in our friendship where I could explain to him how to pay attention to the lessons and brought up in a sort of passive way that I strongly believed that one of the lessons that I was learning about was what happens when one meets a soul-mate from another life that one has spent time with, that is not meant to be yours in this lifetime.  And that’s when things took their turn. 

     During this conversation that’s when he tells me about the thing that he’s been trying to teach me about putting everything on the table (so to speak) and taking the risk to tell the person what it is I was really feeling.  And I found myself reading what he was saying (and apparently implying) in a way that I hadn’t expected in the least.  Then I found myself having all sorts of anxiety.  The kind of anxiety that comes from realizing that I should take the chance — and yet at the same time — because I have such respect and love for this man…  I didn’t want to ruin the friendship and closeness the two of us share when we’re chatting.  For to me, I would not want to lose what we had for the risk of something more. 

     While things calmed down toward the end of the night, and I felt closer to him than I did in the last three months — I still had niggling doubts going on in my head that I couldn’t shake.  Further — I felt I was at an impasse because I am a creature of propriety, and while he is seeing someone else, I found that it’s not my place or is it right for me to put my heart on the line when his heart has been promised to someone else.  But that wasn’t the only niggling feelings that I were having at that point, and it wasn’t until Thursday that they came up rearing their ugly head. 

 

     Thursday night…  I come online in the hopes of chatting with him a little bit more about what we had discussed the previous days off, but not immediately.  While I had strongly wanted to cut my teeth on the issue and get it out of the way — I followed his lead and chatted in another of the dAmn channels trying to keep my mood light and contribute to the channel.  That’s when it had struck me — the niggling feeling that I had been having had come to full bloom while I had been watching him flirting with a friend of his.  I found myself going right back to the disgust and the hatred I used to feel around Eric so long ago, where he would treat me like a dirty secret and wouldn’t admit to anyone that he and I were seeing each other. 

     I left early that night because the disgust, the anxiety and loathing I was feeling would be too much for me to stick around and try to put on a brave or happy face around people, or even him because the last thing that I wanted to do is take out my personal issues on him for something he had nothing to do with what I was going through.  He tried to call me and ask me back to chat with him and his friends, but didn’t answer the call because I didn’t recognize the number and he didn’t leave a voicemail message simply left it as was. 

     In the morning I dropped him a quick note telling him I was going to be away for an extended period of time.  Partially because Valentine’s Day is coming up and I usually feel like completely shitty around that holiday.  Partially because of the disgust that I was feeling from being visited by such an old demon. 

     For the next two days, I had found myself battling through my reasoning that I was taking an old demon out on someone that wasn’t remotely like Eric (if anything, this man is more like me than I had ever expected); wanting to know why the change in what I had understood, and whether or not it would just be wise to accept the lessons I thought that I was supposed to be learning that this might not be my time or my place to approach this in any way other than platonic. 

     I approached him from work through the 3G dongle that I had purchased and caught him online in the morning asking whether it was him that had called me Thursday Night; which he told me it had been.  I don’t remember exactly what we had talked about, but I admit that I had been more than a little distant with him unsure how to approach him about Thursday night or the week before, but his mood and his accepting my distance certainly helped salve the anxiety I had been feeling; enough that I felt like a complete fool about even going through it. 

 

     I swallowed my pride this weekend, and decided on coming online if only to put everything in order.  Hell or high water — I felt it the right thing to do to understand what was going on between the two of us, and if possible…  to simply think things through before taking that wild leap of faith of the heart. 

     And then it happened.  Things change as they always do.  Events going on around him changed in such a way that it became easier for him to handle the currently roller coaster going on between us and around us.   Monday night he had laid his heart on the line — where I could not.  I found myself relieved and humbled.  Overjoyed and anxious as to what the future now has in store. 

 

     So who is this man that could humble me?  Make me feel all right?  Make me smile simply by showing up?  Understand where he’s coming from the moment he says something?  Know that as long as I’m patient, can understand where I’m coming from?  And feel we’re two sides of the same coin? 

 

     His name is Troy… 

 

     Well that’s about it for the time being.  I’m off to watch one more episode of Heroic Age.  More on this soon.  Until then.

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