Home > Life or something like it > Entry 03/18/2010 09:29:01 PM – Mentat 562

Entry 03/18/2010 09:29:01 PM – Mentat 562

03/19/2010

     *tap* *tap* 

     Is this thing on? 

     Why yes it is…  Certainly been a while, and probably would’ve been a while longer since I’ve written (well publicly at least.  As some can see — I have numbers between this entry and the last one that had been posted), and I would’ve been longer at it — but I got frustrated with the second go ’round with Fallout 3.  Seems that the first time was extremely fun and immersive, and I had a great time stumbling across the discoveries, the unique items, the quests and unmarked quests, and what not.  But the second time ’round as I was getting familiar with the game, I seem to have stumbled through bug after bug after bug.  Enough so, that my second game is knackered up and I’m going to have to restarted it in order to get rid of the bugs with quests and what have you that are stoppering up my Pip-Boy with unfinished messages and quests and what have you. 

     Sure, I could drop into console mode and get rid of them that way…  And lord knows Sydney is not the sort of NPC that I want hanging about with me (I had to kill her in order to make her go away and lose more karma because of it).  But this is one of those sort of games that I like playing without cheating too badly because I get to be the hero or evil villain and still be squirrelly in the process.  I wish I could say the same about Dragon Age: Origins 

     With DA: O however, I’m finding myself really not liking how some things turn out.  Sure, I like the fact that you get to play with 4 other characters (as a team) fighting through the wilds of the fantasy world while trying to set everything right.  I even like the fact that I get approval and disapproval for the actions that I do as a leader…  But what I didn’t like is walking into a village in order to complete a fairly important integral part in the on-going adventure and quest to downing a coward to a throne and getting non-stop lip service from two of the characters that I had chosen when I entered the town.  It seems that the Qunari (Sten), and the Mage (Morrigan) give quite a bit of lip service when taking the quest in Redcliffe Village — so much so that I went back to a save prior to entering the city in order to remove them from the group so I didn’t have to listen to them whining about it.

     No really — while it’s a good thing to have them approve/disapprove a leader’s actions — when it comes to an important side quest to get the Arl or Redcliffe recovered — I want to hear nothing, not whinging.  I didn’t drop $50 for them to whine at me because of a decision that was required of me.  If I wanted that sort of reality I would be a manager in a department somewhere. 

     About the only thing that I want to comment further on with this game is the impressive array of actors that had been recruited for voice talent.  So far I had been able to readily recognize Steve Valentine, Carolyn Seymour (and believe me — it took some time for me to find her name.  I recognized her voice from various shows that I’ve seen of her, but couldn’t for the life of me remember her name), Robin Sachs, Kate Mulgrew, Tim Russ, Claudia Black, Steve Blum (I recognize him from cartoons and some other video games I’ve seen/played)…  I saw in the list that Tim Curry even does some voice work in it — but I haven’t gotten that far into the game to see his character). 

 

     Of course because of the single-minded and obsessive manner I play RPG-type games — I have been suffering through dreams of either post-war nuclear holocaust landscapes and me trying to save the world, or fantasy settings where I’m a sort of mage throwing fireballs and generally neck-deep in some sort of trouble.  Other than perhaps last night’s dream which it would seem I was dreaming of the toilet in my bathroom constantly running and no matter how many times I jiggled the handle — would keep running.  Ah yes, there are just some times even my brain seems to get stuck on the mundane and common and makes a sort of dream-mountain out of a dream-molehill. 

     Damned good thing too, given that I was getting tired of the aliens-invading theme that I routinely get from watching too much science-fiction.  Although, I did have a couple of interesting dreams since the time I started playing these games I had a couple of really off-the-wall dreams that involved really demented and bizarre content…  Like me being pregnant (don’t ask, I couldn’t make heads or tails of that one either).  Biking down roads in the city that I haven’t been down and ending up disappearing into dirt trails and then nothing (this is because the weather’s warming up and I’m getting stoked to riding once again). 

     But hey, I should know — this is my brain sleeping — and I should be used to the dementedly bizarre that I get when I close my eyes, no? 

 

     In the time of my adventuring, it would seem that something is either in the water supplies, or in the air in place, as it would seem that I had been approached by a couple of exes that I hadn’t heard from in forever.  That and truth be told, not that I wanted to hear from them either.  The first dates all the way back to my first…  One that I commonly refer to as my "first asshole" and the other some years later that while he was nice and all — really had the personality god gave the stones in my backyard.  I know that I’m being harsh, but I’ll explain why soon enough. 

     So the first…  Eric…  That sort of surprised me given the way that the last time I had encountered him.  Yes, that one for those of you asking yourself who I’m talking about.  The one that lived in a trailer in Savannah.  Seems that he had opened up with a friend request from Facebook, which was enough for me to open up a dialog and ask what he was thinking.  While his answer wasn’t quite what I had expected (it wasn’t a mouthful of excuses), it’s still not good enough to want to open up any dialog with him.  I mean seriously — he had used me to get out responsibilities and out of the rut that he had put himself in, and once the coast was clear, threw me out with the trash.  He had cheated on me with practically anyone that gave him attention — male and female.  And in the end, when he drove me off the edge because he had wrecked havoc on my insecurities, while I had been away seeking therapy came home to an empty house as he stole everything that hadn’t been bolted down, or was too heavy for him to take on his own. 

     Thief and cheater are the two words that I routinely brandished when I think of him — which is rare to never since the mid 90s.  And given the shit that I dug up in the on-again/off-again 5 years that we had been "together" him using me has been pretty consistent from the start, I’ve pretty much reinvented my first with love being Tommy and not Eric…  Sad, but at the same time necessary given routinely remembering the shitty way I had been treated and worse, allowing someone else to treat me in that manner, a constant source of shame and guilt. 

     And the second — Dan…  *eye roll*  There’s nothing much to say there really…  There here are like three (maybe four) men in my life that I would just love to hear from again; and granted one of them is dead, so that’s not happening.  But the exes…  The ones that have caused incredible amounts of pain, anguish and agony (mentally and physically) simply come out of the woodwork wanting to re-befriend me…  And it’s not like after a year or so…  Rick was almost 6 years and it reached the point where it was beginning to feel like I was being stalked at every social blog-spot on the planet.  Dan is about 10 years…  And Eric is 25… 

     The question is that I ask myself a bit is — and you think the passing of time is going to change my feelings until all that’s left of them is hearts and violins?  Two of them practically destroyed that which I am, and one of them was such a horrible non-event that 4½ years of that relationship were like this blank..  This nothing…  that moving on was the best thing for the both of us.  You went and left — and didn’t even once look back in that time.  Didn’t try to reach out, didn’t try to make amends, didn’t even try to see how I was doing…  Plus!  Given in that time I have done nothing of the sort either — what makes them think that I want to relive that part of my past?  What makes you think that all is going to be instantly forgiven just because you want to come back and say, ‘hey’? 

     And I continue to think, if this is a method for trying to salve the guilty feelings one had for the things done to another human being — then perhaps you should have thought about it sooner…  hell, you should have thought about it when you were committing the acts that you were committing.  Not years later when you think back on it and realize…  "I did something wrong to this person, maybe he’ll have forgotten."  Not when you realize that niggling thing eating at your heart or the back of your mind is guilt for the things you’ve done and think to yourself, "Michael was always so loving and caring.  Maybe I could talk to him about it." 

     And contrary to what one person thought that they had left such an impression on me — I feel like I need to constantly remind people in an act of self-justification — I have vivid memories that date back to when I was 18 months old.  This isn’t an impression that you left on me — this is merely the way that I organize my thoughts and my ability to recall them.  I have been this way all my life — and live with the memories of the past as easily for me as people can often remember what they did the day before. 

 

     *sighs and takes a deep breath*  I’ll stop on this now…  I’m going well into the closets of the past, and remembering feelings that have been well left dormant.  Needless to say, I ignored one request, and the other has been removed, but the conversation sort of drags on from it — although given the way that it ended with Eric’s comment it might be considered a killed conversation mainly due to the amount of typical male pride I caught in the response.  Good thing too…  The last thing I want to do in my life (again) is get up on the soapbox and preach about the wrongs done.

 

     Work?  Eh…  Work is good…  But the weather that we’ve been getting here has been beating the ever living crap out of me.  Seems that the Tundras of New England has been going through what I not so affectionately call an Atlanta Winter (likes of dreary and not-so cold, with rains routinely through the week) that have been giving me the routine cluster-headaches and migraines I used to get living in the South.  It got so bad a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, that even Imitrex and Maxalt were simply masking the pain, as I could still feel it below the prescription.  Fortunately for me, it was my Friday at work, and I did everything in my power to lay low until I could get home and hide under the covers in the darkness ’til I passed out. 

     As it’s now back to sunny — of course I’m free and clear of all the pain that I had been going through at work since Monday night.  Ugh. 

 

     Finally, I splurged a little.  Decided that with the iPod that I had purchased some years ago when I first got my returns check for years of taxes unfiled; was getting a little long in the tooth and skipping in places it really shouldn’t…  Went out and doubled the size on an SSD iPod Touch that was just released (3rd Generation – 64 GB).  First — it’s significantly smaller than my original iPod (thanks largely to the fact that it’s SSD instead of running with a Laptop Hard Drive), and while sound isn’t quite as rich or robust as it was on my original iPod — it’s still more than sufficient to do the job that it’s intended.  However, one of the biggest perk of it is the manner which it connects to the Wireless Router.  So, instead of lugging out the Notebook to the bedroom, or other sections of the house and yard to listen to streams from Pandora, DI.FM (Digitally Imported), etc.  I can instead put this on my belt loop and wander about with significantly less weight to lug.  Definitely not too shabby…

 

     Well that’s about it for the time being.  Until the next time.

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