Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 06/03/2010 03:12:44 AM – Mentat 572

Entry 06/03/2010 03:12:44 AM – Mentat 572


     It’s hard to imagine than in less than two weeks, I’m going to be 46.  I know that it’s been coming up for a number of weeks now, and like tradition the instant that June hits, hits me like a ton of bricks.  I’m not sure how I want to take this upcoming birthday.  On the one side, it’s not so bad.  In spite of the fact that I know I’m getting older and it’s taking me a bit longer than what I’ve been accustomed to about bouncing back from injury and lethargy, I don’t feel half as bad as I let on when talking with people younger than myself.  Although the number of my age, doesn’t quite give me the sort of pride as I felt when I had turned 45.  Then again, it’s just another number in a string of numbers that lead from the cradle to the grave.  Or in my case, the day that I popped out backwards while the sky turned black, and me ending up with my ascension to immortality.  Heh, I swear saying that gives me a giggle, particularly when I’m thinking of that madman Emperor Cartagia from Babylon 5 when he had said the same thing and ended up being assassinated by Londo Mollari and Vir Cotto. 

     So for the last couple of weeks, I’ve been suffering from an extremely bad case of boredom.  Yes, you heard right — the man that rarely if ever feels bored about doing anything since the mid 90s (about the same time I had turned 30’ish) — is feeling incredibly bored about doing anything and everything.  Most of the games that usually were great for passing the time with are simply not giving me the routine joy of playing.  I can’t get through a few paragraphs in a book without wanting to put it down (although truth be told, Starfish by Peter Watts did take a left turn onto This Shit is Bananas Street and I haven’t exactly wanted to return to see where it was heading with its change).  Movies?  I have a few still in the queue — although after Mutant Chronicles and Daybreakers, I have to say even the stinkers simply aren’t worth the want to watch even for the heckle-factor.  Hell, while I enjoy myself moderately in various chats, eventually I find myself sitting there bored out of my mind and simply unable to contribute to it without feeling either completely dorkish, or overly hateful. 

     I’m not sure exactly what the cause of this boredom is.  It’s possible that I’ve reached the end of my desire and wish for reclusive solitude.  It’s possible that there’s only just so much abstinence that I can put up with in a decade.  Though, what I do know that the effects of it have come because of the overt desire to wanting to be creative, and having positively no gumption to apply myself in any way, shape or form to being creative.  I mean, there’s ideas pushing about my head — I just…  don’t think these ideas and what not are worthy enough to commit time and creative energies to.  It’s also entirely probable that I’m in one of my hyper self-critical moods and that I would like something worthwhile to commit to the first time out, instead of having to go through a million or so revisions before it’s actually considered worthwhile. 

     Yeah, this is entirely true given my reaction to something I had begun penning a couple of years ago.  I had revisited it recently and thought the thing entirely too insipid for what I had been aiming for.  I mean it’s got some of the right ideas, but at the same time in revisiting the piece I realize that I’m getting caught up in the quagmire of the relationship, and not the direction the story was originally supposed to head in. 

     Of course, the (on-going) problem is that I don’t know how to shake myself out of it.  There’s the usual methods of wine, men and socializing.  But the problem with that has typically been that because of the hours I keep it makes it difficult to make it to the usual metro areas here in the Biggest Little are some distance away, and the public transit system is much to be desired.  I mean sure, I could do the same thing as I did last year, take the bike along and bike home after hours…  But at the same time, the thing that I hate about that is, is that seems that the nights I often choose to take advantage of that it pours.  And after several hours of being soaking wet in jeans and on a bike — it gets tediously annoying by the time I get home.  Three times in as many years is certainly a detractor.  Thanks, but no…  I like being dry when I can be. 

     And truth be told — some of these men that I’ve chatted with are seriously lacking in either maturity or mental faculties.  From what I’ve caught of a couple that have tweaked my interest are seriously lying about themselves in such a way that the dishonesty is as obvious to catch in print.  A couple of others, I’ve chatted with; well — sex is the only driving force in the matter — and I’m looking for more than a string of one-nighters.  Heh, and forget the cavalcade of cock and ass shots that hit my profile…  Oh!!  Didn’t mention this one…  it’s not a headless horsemen pic..  It’s a partial pic of a man’s mouth looking as though he’s trying to offer his services for oral sex.  Does it look provocative?  Oh hell no!  It makes him look like a complete mong and needs a nappy to wipe his soon-to-be-drooling mouth.  At least it was better to see to the six or so others of headless horsemen, naked or simply dick shots that are in the lineup of visitors.  But not by much… 

     *sighs and rolls his eyes*  Then there’s one site which is nothing but Pinoys from the Philippines or scammers from Ghana that seems to miss the headline that reads, "Please be from the USA, all others will be marked as spam."  In the couple of years there, I think I’ve seen about forty or so of those accounts be completely killed by the provider for spamming users there.  And yet, they keep trying, and keep getting their accounts killed. 

     Yeah…  I know, I know…  there are bars in the area that I can check out and see if face-to-face will yield better results.  Still — even the best of these bars are nothing more than over-glorified meat markets, and I’m not actually the spring chicken as I used to be. 

     But enough of that…  I’ll work something out.  I always do. 


     So…  It’s the dark of the day for me, and I’m sitting here listening to the mad mix of music on my iPod to keep the noise down to a dull roar in the house.  Cricket’s happily passed out on the couch, and I’m just watching the kids debate about statistical obsessions and how logic flies out the window when some people are feeling particularly defensive of their opinion on something.  Still though, it was amusing for about twenty minutes of my watching it. 


     Not much else going on here at the moment, other than the music’s finally drowned out the various internal noises that I’ve had going on in my head.  At least now I can find myself thinking and feeling a little bit that doesn’t involve me feeling bored, or worse.  I’m still banging around the thought of upgrading the Atom Ant (laptop) to something with a hell of a lot more power than it — particularly given I want to work on things like Incendia and not just Apophysis — particularly when I have the down time to do it.  Not to mention I would like a bigger screen, given that I’m getting a wee bit older and a smaller screen is rather difficult to be reading Usenet on. 

     Haven’t quite made up my mind though what model I would want to upgrade to.  I have a couple of articles in my inbox that cover the better models currently being offered.  I haven’t actually read it — having skimmed it quickly to determine whether it was nothing more than a product sell masquerading as a comprehensive article — but it’s still in my inbox..  And I’ll get around to it soon. 


     That’s about it for the time being.  I have work-type news, but I don’t think it’s up for general consumption at the moment.  Until the next time.

Categories: Romance/Relationships
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