Home > Uncategorized > Entry 06/21/2010 05:15:35 AM – Mentat 575

Entry 06/21/2010 05:15:35 AM – Mentat 575


     So it’s the first day of summer here, and it looks like we’re looking forward to more scorchers and rain.  Whee!  Nothing like dealing with more rain during my days off.  At least it will definitely keep me out of trouble.  Although, given last night’s dream I’m not too sure of that.  Turns out that last night, I woke up to a "fun filled" (read: stressful) dream where I had decided on quitting a job in the middle of my vacation because I didn’t like the amount of stress that I had going on in it.  Woke up to the sound of my alarm, and saw that it was much darker than usual, so I was able to confirm that it had been raining cats and dogs outside and was able to sleep an hour more to shake the cobwebs and the unnecessary stress out of my head before heading into work.  Of course, the funny thing was that as I was heading to work this morning, I realized that the job that I had been stressing about I had quit 6 years ago…  Which makes it odd that I had dreams about it last night. 

     Then again, given the things that I had been going through the last couple of days, it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that I would be having a sort of déjà vu/repeat of the drama from that time of year either. 


     Yeah it hasn’t been exactly the most amount of fun the last couple of days.  Though now that I’ve said my peace to the appropriate people, I think that it’s safe for the moment to talk a little bit about them without sounding as though I’m emotionally bleeding all over the place in the process. 


     There are just some things that I don’t want to have part of my life anymore.  Drugs (of the recreational sort), excessive amounts of smoking, excessive amounts of drinking for starters.  Then there comes the emotional issues…  Excessive amounts of passive-aggressiveness, codependence, are also high up there.  Along with people that instead of talking issues through, or informing me that they want some personal time to work things out, simply shut down, shut me out, and run.  To me there’s simply no need for shutting down and shutting me out — because as an adult, one has the ability to communicate their needs about wanting some personal time, and then coming back afterward (once things are worked out) to talk about what had been bothering them and why they felt the need to bugging out.  That’s what sane adults do, the last time I checked. 

     My last ex used to do shut me down and ignore me…  a lot  He used to shut me down and shut me out primarily to get even with me because he knew that was one of the best ways of getting even with me whenever he felt like venting his self-disappointment in my direction.   Then some hours later, he would come back and bitch at me, and any chance of talking the issue through, would repeat the process of ignoring me until I couldn’t take it anymore and all that was left was exploding on him. 

     Another thing that my ex wouldn’t do is explain to me what he had been feeling at the time, and instead of trying to talk about it — would drop it for such a time as he felt that he was ready to talk about it, and would do so incriminating me as the source of whatever fault, or problem or emotional upheaval that he had been feeling, blaming me for these issues of his for months at a time. 

     I promised myself after he and I had broken up that if I ever so much as caught another person doing this to me, I wouldn’t waste any more time dealing with the person or whatever issue that they were going through that caused them to shut down and run. 


     I had been fortunate when I had met Damion that he would talk his issues through.  When he wasn’t able to talk about whatever problem he had with something we had been discussing or whether it was something personal between the two of us, he would tell me that he needed a time out and would even give me how much time he would need before he’d return to speak to me (or speak about the subject).  He would do so calmly, evenly and would make sure that I understood what he problem was and why he had it. 

     In the year we had been speaking, we had only one serious dust-up, and that was because I tried to surprise him about going to Seattle to meet with him.  And even then we had worked out those issues that allowed us to keep going for the next 5 months before the two of parted amicably. 


     Now flash forward a couple of years to about my birthday.  Was chatting with someone that seemed to be turning out sort of nicely. At least at first.  However, within the first couple of days I had various niggling feelings that had come to identify that it was going both too quickly even for the likes of me — as well as paraded over so many personal issues that I quickly finding myself going to wanting to putting the breaks on, to wanting to bail faster than The Runaway Bride (and the fact that I remember that wretched movie is enough to even give me a cringe or two). 

     Smoking?  Yep, he did it.  While not a pack and a half to two a day, a pack every three or so days is enough to affect me as I’ve been in a smoke-free environment the last 5 years?  Drinking?  Did that too.  More than I’ve done in the same amount of time. And far more than I’d care to deal with on the day to day, week to week or month to month.  While these two aren’t deal breakers (of sorts), when coupled with other issues that I had been seeing, rapidly built up from being niggling problems to the sort of habit that paraded on whopping issues. 

     The comes the first time that I shared something.  I decided on sharing the location of the two stories I had written (and posted on Dev-Art).  He read one of these and at first began getting all squirrelly, and then later at the end of the story, complete wigged out, shut down and shut me off.  All right, not good, I’m thinking to myself.  Already sort of told him again and again that talking to me would be better than just shutting me out and running away, as I am the writers of the story and can give insight into what I was thinking and feeling when I wrote them. 

     He came back the next day, apologized and told me that he couldn’t handle the material of the story.  I accepted his apology and told him that it’s best that he never do that again, and proceeded to tell him that my ex used to do precisely what he had done, and even strongly suggested to him that if he needed the time out, to simply tell me and I’ll more than happily give him the necessary space.  Still though, the niggling feelings continue to grow as I caught wind of other issues that reminded me too keenly of my ex and how similar the this one was acting to the ways my ex used to act about infatuation, love, and even jealousy. 

     Then came the beginning of my four day weekend.  He runs into some sort of financial trouble and he’s stressing about it.  I tried strongly urging him to instead of waiting for last minute, and staying up all hours of the night, to head to bed early to deal with problems first thing in the morning.  I explained to him that banks can take some hours to work out the issues with something, and that in spite of the fact that he had to work in the afternoon, that the hours at the bank will eat into his recreation time, and he might still be forced to rush from the bank to work.  He gets testy with me, and then completely gets stubborn with the likes of me.  Push comes to shove and instead of talking to me, shuts down and shuts off again. 


     At this point, the fury’s kicked in.  This is the second time he’s done this shutting down to me without any kind (or polite) parting words.  He’s acting as though I’m a not person that he’s just met, but instead as though we had been together for months.  Somewhere while he had stepped away and I had gone to grab my lunch for the evening (I had eaten particularly late that evening), some personal anxiety and I had simply spoken aloud explaining to myself this sort of shit shouldn’t be happening the first week I’ve met anyone, and if it is — there’s some serious underlying issues that are occurring that shouldn’t be there. 

     So, came back online and there he was chatting with other people. And that’s where I cut my losses and said, this one’s too childish for my taste, and has way too many of the same habits of my ex that I don’t want to deal with (at all).  In the end, I took a couple of days to myself, completely ignoring practically everyone, and at the end cut my losses. 


     Seriously, there’s just so much drama I can take before I’m like — you know — perhaps there are issues here that need to be addressed more than trying to settle down and "nest". 


     Well, that’s the rest of the journal entry that I hadn’t written from the other day.  And I’m calling it a day for the time being.  I’m pretty knackered here and I need the sleep.  Until the next time.

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