Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 09/20/2010 09:53:16 AM – Mentat 582

Entry 09/20/2010 09:53:16 AM – Mentat 582


     Well it’s been some time since I’ve sat down and had a go with my journal; with a bit of change happening since then.  Good…  Bad…  Indifferent…  First off it took me more than a couple of weeks, but I’m finally a Daywalker like the rest of you.  Took only a couple of weeks for me to reach this state, though honestly the only reason why I had taken so long is because I had completely avoided the chemicals necessary to change my sleeping patterns — choosing a more natural method of doing so.  Still a bit tired at all the wrong times of the day and night — but at least when I put my head on the pillow around 23:00 local time, I’m actually unconscious ’til about 05:00 – 06:00 the next morning.  Heh, though like this morning when I woke up around 05:45 after 7 hours of sleep, I found myself rapidly passing out around 08:15 causing me to want to nap for about 45 minutes to recharge the batteries.  At least after waking back up I feel refreshed enough to enjoy my morning coffee, some throw-back New Wave (once I got the Dance/Trance out of my system), to write this journal entry as well as watch a little bit of what’s going on about the net. 

     Unfortunately one of the biggest drawbacks of this change of hours is the fact that my dream states had returned to being both vivid and demented.  Annoyingly so.  It’s not as though there’s much on television — the new series that I watch routinely are about to restart this week.  Or the games that I’ve been playing are leaving that much of an impact — after all I’ve been playing the same games for months (with the exclusion of one, but I’ll get to that in a bit) so I pretty much know what to expect next.  Still, out of the unconscious now that I sleep at night come dreams about sci-fi conspiracy theories, stories of changing history by going through time, and various sundries involving aliens among humans, studies in demonology, and even fantastically bizarre creatures no one has ever seen wandering this planet ever.  And so much so that I’m rapidly filling my dream journal with some of the images and things that I remember when I wake up the next morning. 


     Now that Earl’s completely ancient history for the Tundras of New England, we here in the Biggest Little are enjoying the coming weeks of cooler weather for autumn.  While it’s a good thing on the one side as the temperatures here are wonderfully comfortable (even at night when they drop to a bit on the chilly side), the bad side is that it’s the warning that oh too soon we’ll be looking forward to our first frost and winter being just around the corner.  Heh, right now I have half a mind to synch up the laptop, grabbing my pair of sunglasses and sitting on the front porch working on this journal entry as it’s clear, sunny and just the nip of a cool breeze occasionally blowing through the area.  But alas, I’m going to have to wait a bit about it as I’m having to wash a couple of blankets at the moment because they’re smelling rather funny and need to have ’em around for throws when I’m taking my occasional naps in the afternoon.  That and the cat’s got this weird look when I had put it on the bed, and didn’t know whether she should be afraid of it, or accept it for what she remembered of it. 

     Maybe later in the afternoon I’ll take advantage and read a bit instead. 


     Cricket’s doing better…  Her appetite’s returning, not to mention her fight for syringe feeding.  Still won’t touch what’s in her plate, although she has no problems eating whatever it is I have on mine.  In fact, she’s shown more interest and eating more than she has in weeks taking from my scraps than before she had gotten ill.  Attempted the tried and truth method of putting scraps and what not in her plate, but she won’t go near it.  Tried leaving her just her own food and the stubborn cow will let it sit there in the plate until it’s hardened and crusting over before she’ll have a go at it.  Even tried to pretend I was eating her food and putting it down for her to give a go at it.  Wouldn’t even look at it Annoying and frustrating to say the least. 

     Still though she seems to be doing pretty all right with the food in her belly and definitely showing improvement than she did back in August.  Gets about the apartment without problems and even occasionally sits in the sun where she can to enjoy the heat and the light — which is better than she did back at the beginning of the summer.  I have one more call next month with the vet as to what’s going on with her.  We’ll see if she continues to improve or if this is as best as it’s going to get for the old cow (yes, I’m calling her that a lot lately given how stubborn she’s been during her recovery). 


     My Coming Out Anniversary came and went without so much as an event.  I wanted to go out in the late afternoon/early evening for a drink or two at one of the local watering holes in Providence and perhaps a quick shopping foray at Providence Place Mall, but it turned out that when I laid down for a quick pre-trip nap at 15:00’ish I passed out until 21:00 and by that time I had no desire to go anywhere anyway.  Even swore off having a shot or two of whiskey still sitting on my table here because I wasn’t sure how I was going to react to it — not that it mattered given that I was still up for most of the night anyway.  Didn’t even do much reminiscing as I normally do during my Anniversary/Holiday.  Although I did do a little more thinking about dating and checking out the matches thrown at me by the OkCupid site.  I did notice looking at them; that they’re apparently using the traditional astrological matching that comes with long-term heterosexual marriage partners.  That is to say that they’re throwing matches that are square energy with Sun Signs:  i.e., Pisces, Virgo, Leos and of course the most dangerous sign to throw in my direction:  Capricorn.  No really…  Pisces folk I can be friends with, without any problem.  Anything more intimate and the instant they start whining about something, I have this near-overwhelming impulse to slap them upside the head and tell them to shut up.  With Virgos it’s too much of a competition and I don’t deal well when it’s in an intimate relationship.  And Leo?  Never again.  I can’t put up with their egos.  Since Ray (a man that was pretty much the penultimate of a male Leo), I’ve sworn them off like bad pills, and with the exclusion of one Leo-man that I know online, usually keep a discrete distance from anyone admitting their birthday falls between July 22 and August 21. 

     Strange, the site’s also thrown an inordinate amount of Cancerian men at me too; which I find it to be incredibly odd to do given that Cancer to Gemini is way too close on the zodiac wheel (and further the amount of Cancer-like traits that I’m known to demonstrate).  Not sure how to read that, although a couple that I’ve talked with have come off a shade on the whiny side for my taste.  Or in one case as I’ve been impressed enough to want to follow what he has to say, the near OCD way he keeps changing his profile is coming off more and more needy than I feel comfortable being around. 

     *shrugging* While external conflict in long-term marriage partners work well with heterosexual couples, I’ve found it to be anathema to gay couples.  This is reinforced by the synastries that I’ve performed for many a couple that seem to demonstrate that in order for there to be long-term compatibility with gay couples, there’s a lot of positive dynamic energies going on between the two (trines and sextiles predominantly with an occasional conjunction) rather than the typical angle associated to friction (square, opposition, and particularly inconjuncts). 

     More on this in a little bit.  I’ve been trying to work through some of my thoughts to continue, and finding myself distracted by too many other things.  I’ll be back when I clear my head and want to continue a bit more. 


[Last Edited: 09/20/2010 03:41:17 PM]


     More than a couple of hours later and I’m finding that I’ve shaken some of the cobwebs that I had going on, and even more than a little tired for this time of day.  But not so totally bad that I still can’t sit up for a couple of hours and work out the remainder of this journal entry.

     As I was saying — the other thing that I find a bit disconcerting about the use of that site is just how many men around my age simply lack the conversational skills to get beyond the casual response back for a note.  Hell, what’s worse is that I sit there checking the who’s visited me, and there’s clearly a handful of them that seem to make a routine stop over to check my profile without so much as saying anything.  I’m not sure whether they’re shy — or from previous experience at other sites whether they suffer from a serious case of short attention span syndrome.  What I mean by that is that in the years that I’ve been online, some men simply lack the memory of remembering their actions.  I’ve seen them attempt to chat me up for a quick one-nighter, which I had politely turned them down for.  Then three months later, will hit me up again as though they hadn’t been turned down for it before…  of which they naturally  get turned down with the response of, "sorry, my answer to your proposition hasn’t changed in three months…"  and then three month after that, try again.  At about that point I’m asking whether they remember the last two times that they’ve propositioned me, and they almost invariably say, "I did?  I don’t remember."  Sometimes I feel that the only way to get them to remember is by stinging them for their short term memory. 

     So I watch this handful of people that hit my profile up with more than a little regularity…  And wait patiently to see whether they lose interest or make the attempt to leave me a note. 


     I still haven’t come across anyone’s profile that’s says the right things to me to want to message them.  If anything, at least 95% of the profiles that I’ve come across have some really glaring lies in them.  I’m not talking about the sort of things people say in order to make themselves out to be the best.  I’m talking about the over-the-top-admissions to just how frelling good they think they are when it comes to the whole "drama free" and "easy going".  And yet, going three paragraphs in, the manner for which they present themselves comes off like someone with some serious control issues.  That’s hardly easy going in my book…  And folk that have control issues are often quite over-dramatic when those control issues are paraded upon. 

     You’d think that they’d learn by the time they’re in their 40s that self-delusions like that are quite transparent to the casual observer.  But no, it seems that the continue to perpetuate that delusion for just so many reasons. 


     Well, that’s about it for the time being.  Off to work on a couple of fractals; and perhaps chat with a few people that can readily admit that they’re dramatic and not always as easy going as they’d like to be.  Pity that they’re also hung up on the whole, "I’m ugly" shtick.  Until the next time.

Categories: Romance/Relationships
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