Home > Life or something like it, Romance/Relationships > Entry 11/04/2010 12:33:03 PM – Mentat 587

Entry 11/04/2010 12:33:03 PM – Mentat 587


Halloween has come and gone…

Election Day has come and gone…

And what little of an Indian Summer that we had gotten here last month has also come and gone…

Right now, as I’m sitting here working on this journal entry, listening to some rather calming Classical music, and listening to the family come and go from the house with the cat sleeping on the bed at the moment, I see out the window the grays of rain and can feel the ache in my bones that the barometric pressure continues to drop. Blah. Good thing that I’ve taken a couple of Tylenol and have my coffee sitting next to me at the moment; else I’d probably be a hell of a lot more bearish than I currently am. Still, my mood while being on the quiet side is still quite dour as I have quite a few thoughts rambling and shambling through my head that I feel the need to talk a little about… And yet simultaneously having positive no want or need to organize enough for self-reflection.

Then again isn’t that typical of me when it’s something that weighs rather heavily on both heart and mind?

The biggest news that I have since the last time I sat down and wrote was that Damion has come out of the cold and contacted me after six months of having moved to Montana as he had said that he was going to do the last time he had written. It was the usual sort of e-mail I would expect from him telling me how things were going for him, what he has in store, and the usual sort of touch-base that we’ve had going since the year and a day had come, and where I wanted more he didn’t of which we had amicably. Seriously I should have seen this coming from space. I mean, here I was working on getting Office Connector to work with an old stealth e-mail account that I have at @hotmail and all the e-mails that Damion and I shared back and forth the first couple of months we had met. Then stumbling through some of my \user directory here on the hard drive, came across the sound bite that Damion had sent me to my old Motorola Razr, and of course my wondering how he was doing but never really working up the right sort of courage to initiate a conversation with him because of my pride and my sense of duty sort of prevents me from following up.

I sat on that e-mail from Damion for almost four days agonizing over how to approach a response with him. Part of me wanted to simply continue on with the sporadic and oftentimes terse conversations that we’ve been having for the last couple of years. Part of me sat there realizing that after almost two years and this continuing to go on the way that it had, there’s something more to this that fate, karma, the universe or whatever higher power you believe in — that wanted me to continue learning from this. So instead of simply writing the usual — I sent an e-mail with my cell phone number and requested that he call me because I wanted to talk to him.

I wasn’t sure when he was going to respond.

Hell, I wasn’t even sure he was actually going to respond. Given the way that I had written him the last time and the way correspondences would start, go for a bit and then stop — I was pretty sure that he wouldn’t remember to respond to my e-mail until months in advance (worst case), or in about a week (best case) — leaving me plenty of time to consider what it was that I wanted to say to him and whether I should simply take a chance again and see if it were possible to pick up where we had left off.

I chatted a bit with the kids online, telling them what I had done; of which a couple of them simply advised me that it would be best I don’t get my hopes up on this as it’s possible he wouldn’t pick up the phone and give me a call.

Heh, standard advice but they didn’t know Damion as well as I did. Though I took that advice with the grain of salt that it was offered and sat there chatting with the kids as usual.

Wouldn’t you know that he had called me that night. Within a couple of hours of receiving the e-mail to boot. Completely shocked the daylights out of me as I was completely unprepared, though overjoyed to hear his voice in my ears rather than in my head or in my dreams as I still do now and again (just like I do Tommy on occasion). Literally had nothing prepared as to what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it and felt like I had completely fumbled through the conversation like a gibbering fool.

I found out quickly that he was still with Jesse; which sort of put a damper on where I wanted to originally go with this and him, but didn’t deter me from the other questions that I had. I found out that the reason why he had kept in contact with me the way that he had was because of the promise that he had made me about never leaving me in a hole of no communication. I found out that he was doing well there in Montana, and while he’s no longer living with his grandmother (and on his own instead), he’s been talking about moving to Tennessee in a year or so. I filled him in on the changes that have been going on, with the cat… the job… life in general… And thought that we’ve had some hours to idle and chit chat while trying to work up what was going on in my head and heart the entire time I we chatted. By the time I was ready to talk about what I was thinking, he was running late for bowling with friends, and was halfway out the door while I was still stuttering through what I had been aiming to say about this serendipity of this… And when he was out the door, I felt I completely screwed up what it was I was aiming for.

Heh, it took me a couple of more hours after that with the feeling that I came off all wrong, needy and lonely not to mention talking with the kids online and with Glenn in messenger before things began to click into place and I fired off an e-mail to him with what it was I was trying to say.

The thing is that I do love Damion with all my heart. He had come into my life at the right time where I had gotten over the all the bullshit I had gone through with Rick, and had finally come out of the years of depression that followed as I slowly got over the abuse and mutual destruction going on there. Damion had been the right sort of gentleman that stood by his convictions and his promises and gave me the exact sort of security that I needed to trust another man. He brought to me the sort of happiness and security that only an equal can give, and the right sort of mystery a working mind and heart could appreciate. And he was able to understand me with such crystal clarity when others would be looking at me as though I had three heads on my shoulders.

As I had said to him years ago when we had first met and I was still trying to piece together the mystery of our relationship — I would follow this wherever it would go — be it to the next day or together for the remainder of our days. That was my promise to him when we had first met and two years later — with him keeping his promise to me — how could I not keep my promise to him in return. So off went an e-mail to Damion about what I had talked about and what I had finally been able to put together cohesively and coherently.

Fortunately for me, he had read it and understood it and was glad that I was able to find the words for what it was I stumbled through before he wandered off to bowl for the evening and while we haven’t chatted for long hours like we did in the past — we fire off messages offline and in text with more frequency in the last week than we have in the last two years combined.

A couple of days later, I began the slow process of taking an internal temperature of my feelings on this decision and had the pleasure of chatting a bit with Glenn about this because he is always a willing friend to talk about such matters with, although if I recall correctly wasn’t approached in the typical manner. I think I came off pining actually — and a bit on the whiny side because at the time I was disappointed that things had turned out the way I needed instead of the way I wanted with Damion.

Go off on an adventure! Glenn says to me somewhere in the middle of this.

I’ve done the adventuring alone, have for so many years that I don’t even think twice about it. The thing is I’ve reached the point in my life where twenty or some odd years of this sort of adventuring — both because of work and job and career as well as recreational time off — that it’s well… been there… done that… At this point in my life it would be nice (and better experience) for me to do so with a partner, boyfriend, travel buddy, someone other than myself and my own companionship. Not to mention that I’ve always had more fun seeing the surprise in other people’s reactions when traveling than simply experiencing them myself.

This of course lead to that “dark place” that I often go to when trying to talk about the dating nightmares I’ve experienced since moving back home to the Biggest Little. And just a quick recap for those of you that might not know the full of the history (or remember it), following is a copy (and some post editing) of that part of the conversation I had that sums it up rather nicely:

The First man I dated [when I got back to Rhode Island]? Charlie… Flaked the hell out after the first date… Made up a ton of excuses about for any dates after that. [I was dense but caught on quickly enough after the third call that it was pretty much going nowhere after the first date]. Steve? Commitment issues. Wanted a string of casual sex and call it a relationship.. [not for me, never has been really] Sean? The first 15 minutes he laid out in laundry list form all his personal issues and problems. [A lot of these personal issues are not the sort of thing one brings to the table when just meeting a person for the first time but instead should be discussed at a much later time]. On the first date. Then wondered why I cut the first date short and turned him down for a second date. Tom? Attracted to the flames of a former lover that killed himself. [Tom wanted to follow the same equation of casual sex, foot fetishes and drinking at weird hours of the night when he got home from work. That’s just smoke from another fire; which simply doesn’t work when looking for a new boyfriend]. Jackson? That one had serious self-esteem issues and after a date wanted to go steady. [All because we had been casually chatting on and off for three years online].

Then there’s the failed to even get to a date. Jerry? Said that he didn’t feel comfortable about writing, but every time I called him he would respond in e-mail. [yes, I covered him in previous entry – 567] Tony? Wrote a note about setting up a date for coffee, never followed through. Jose? clingy for a Leo and then disappeared when he couldn’t get access to a computer at the library. [There are others, but I don’t know or remember their names, and frankly went south farther and faster than that — and ended up in past journal entries].

As I said to Glenn — this has occurred over the last four years — of which I had come to the conclusion that perhaps there was a reason why I ran from this state the way that I did and that my staying here is transitory at best.

Where are you planning on going? He asked me.

I don’t know, was my response.

Seriously, I don’t. I know I’m waiting for something. What it is I’m waiting for, I haven’t a clue really. It’s like it’s there in the back of my mind, like a sleeping tiger, waiting for something to wake it up so that it will stretch out and move when it’s ready. And until the right conditions are met — it remains there… slumbering peacefully.

After speaking with Glenn about this, I felt a lot better than I did before, and certainly much better than I had the last couple of times I’ve broached the subject in my journal. I can only attribute that to the pleasant company I had when telling these stories to and like a good friend being there to listen and offer suggestions in truth and honesty.

The Truth of the matter is that when getting back into dating, you have to go through a lot of bad and sometimes even disastrous dates in order to find a date that’s moderately pleasant. Further you have to go through a lot of pleasant dates that really don’t amount up to more than perhaps one or two dates with the same person that will some up to something a bit more serious.

The difference between twenty years ago and now is that I’m much more casual about the approach and so it’s not like I’m marketing myself with quite the same amount of gusto as I did in my twenties. And instead of like a date a week it’s more like a date a month or two. Not to mention there’s going to be more failure than success because at my age — having survived all the things that I have (and others my age have as well) — it’s going to be more prickly and more self-protective if only because one doesn’t want to repeat the same mistakes and hurts that happened while we were naïve and “innocent” (figuratively speaking anyway).

And so the question of the moment is — how do I feel after all this?

I feel good and challenged that Damion’s back in my life. I don’t get the impression that I’m going to pine and end up in the position of unrequited love (that ultimately leads to my being obsessive about it) with Damion as I have with others in the past. “Love with each man is different,” as the saying goes — and seeing that Damion and I were friends that were also long-distance boyfriend there’s an entirely different dynamic that went on there than with boyfriends in my past. That and there are echoes of our closeness that go back to a different part of my heart that other men have never been able to find themselves in. Save perhaps Tommy whom Damion shares a home in that part.

I’m thankful Glenn who unknowingly served as the voice of reason in the chaos and quagmire I had been going through since Damion’s return and help me sort out both my feelings, and remind me what I need to do to continue growing and changing and accepting what lay ahead. Not to mention made me realize that underneath a polite and respectful exterior is a man I can proudly call friend.

And me? Relieved at the moment and feeling a bit more at peace than usual.

That’s about it for the time being. Until the next time.

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