Home > Computers and Internet, Jobs, Work, Career, Life or something like it, Social > Entry 12/12/2010 12:14:15 PM – Mentat 592

Entry 12/12/2010 12:14:15 PM – Mentat 592

12/12/2010

More than eight days later, here I am finally sitting down and writing the entry that I said I would give a go back at the beginning of last week because I had been knackered and wasn’t quite in the mood to continue plodding on as I could barely wrap my head about any coherent thoughts enough to form complete sentences. The next day, I turned completely avoiding, and slacked as I happily did my chores, laundry, and chatting with Glenn and Will in the great ethers of the Internet before calling it another day.

Got a call from my uncle that Sunday as he tells me he’s been having computer woes again (which I might get to later on), which caused me another trip to his place to fix the issue.

Then for the remainder of the week I simply turned all avoiding, slouched my way through the days, to eventually turn into a complete couch potato watching what’s been in my queue from Hulu, as well as continue to watch the seasons of Bleach that followed the Bount (which in itself was annoying, given I wasn’t a fan of that season at all) and now that it’s Sunday once again, I’m sitting here finding myself want to do other things than write.

I know the reason why I don’t want to write as well… It has absolutely nothing to do with the banality of my life as the year winds down and that wretchedly dysfunctional time of the year called The Holidays are upon us. It has nothing to do with the niggling events of the everyday either. It has to do with the subject matter that I wanted to write to follow the last entry. First though, let me set the stage so that I will.

Back some years ago — around 1996 — when I had changed out my old DUN shell account with America.net to Mindspring (long before they had been sold to EarthLink) I had gone with The Works account option that had given me a whopping 10 MB of Web space to do what I pleased with it. Back then I had started my blogging my journal online to that site because it was new, it was interesting and it was something I had never dreamed of doing with my journal before. With that space, it had also allowed me to hone my skills in critiquing movies and television shows that I had been watching at the time and allow those that hadn’t been experienced in my Usenet ramblings to check out what I was about.

Didn’t think much about it really. Friends from Usenet would stop by to check out the various reviews (if they hadn’t seen them at the time of posting when I used to slap them up to alt.tv.star-trek.voyager, alt.tv.stargate-sg1 and alt.tv.babylon-5), but I knew even back then — they weren’t so interested in my journal, which I had happily posted and kept online for 6 months at a time.

Sometime around 2000, I stopped updating the site and eventually removed it from Mindspring’s servers. Part of the reason was because of the merger between Mindspring and EarthLink and my not really liking the feeling that it was trying to be America Online for the DUN world. Most of the reason was because I was with Rick at about that time, and after several fights with him about my posting my journal online for everyone to see, gave into his wishes to remove any references to him and eventually simply stopped posting altogether.

Some years passed with Rick and as the level of fighting had escalated to the sort of toxicity one would expect living in Chernobyl, one of the common fights that he and I had was about my journal and how he was unable to access it (because it was password protected). It was one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t situations with him that I often found myself dealing with as though I were somehow dropped into the middle of a minefield, and running while machine gun fire was going on over my head. He wanted to know what I said about him, but was pissed because he had positively no control over it, and would demand I remove it from the journal when I did eventually share it with him (as he had no way of contesting what was said about him). Keep in mind this attitude was just as insane as his accusing me of cheating on him if I so much as daydreamed about another man other than him.

Around 2002 or beginning of 2003 however, I had enough of his insanity about constantly demanding access to my journal whenever he was excessively paranoid and wondering why I would be spending so much time writing in it and not talking to him about what I had written and quietly re-opened my Web space and started once again posting it online. I had decided when I did, I would be posting everything that was bothering me. The anger, the hurt, the insanity, even the fighting and the horrors I had been going through with him for the past 4’ish years. It was passive-aggressive, I knew. I had done it because I had secretly wanted him to find it, as I was getting sick and tired of the hate in that house and needed a sort of release from it — unsure on how to let it all go.

He found it toward the end of 2003 and was just as incensed about it then as he was when I first started writing it because of his old argument of being unable to justify his side of the fighting, and completely hated being painted in such a negative light. Although eventually, with my wanting out of the relationship and constantly talking about it, and coupled with the fact that he had found someone else — when Valentine’s Day 2004 came around, he broke it off and moved out to an apartment a short distance away (and owned by the same rental company as the one I had been living in for some years). Still 2 miles away could as well be 50 million light years away as the odds of my dealing with him publicly and privately weren’t likely to occur because of our differences in socializing, and I had the long and drawn out process of healing from that hurt…

Once again, I had closed my Web space with EarthLink/Mindspring sometime in late 2004, and about that time was when I heard about MSN Spaces at the beginning of 2005, I had mulled about it for some time before returning to posting my journal online. Part of the reason was quite the shock I had received when I realized that with the exclusion of my trip back to the Biggest Little for my 40th birthday I remember little to nothing of the time between Valentine’s Day 2004 when Rick had moved out, and Thanksgiving when I realized that I was being played by some 13 year old in Canada trying to pretend that he was a mid 20-something from New York City. Even looking at my journal entries for that time, I find myself reading them with this eerie chill as though I were reading a journal written by someone I don’t even recognize. I had made the decision sometime during the failed attempt at dating Will it was time to put my journal online with the express purpose of healing and eventually settling down once again with someone a hell of a lot more sane. Heavy on the healing of course.

In spite of the depression (and homelessness) at the end of 2005 and return back to the Biggest Little in 2006, I posted when I could where I could eventually being able to post with frequency once I got my computer back online, and had a reliable access by August 2005. In spite of the stories I occasionally told (and sometimes the constant ramblings I did), while some of the sites that I had mirrored my journal to shows thousands of hits, I wasn’t always sure whether people were reading my journal as there had been little to no comments entry to entry. Further — while I had been naturally discrete about assignment information and when I did talk about work it was as vague as possible about location and people — my online and offline lives had been pretty much separated with never the two meeting for some odd reason. Either that or in spite of the craze that people were starting to have in the mid-00s I simply didn’t warrant the kind of attention various people complained about on various sites about not getting jobs, or being released from their jobs because of the incriminating information they had up on their Facebook or MySpace accounts.

That would change for me in 2008 when I landed the job at Cox Communications. It was then my complaints about the people I work with acting like complete children that started off a chain of events that was not entirely unlike the bullshit fights I used to get into with Rick about posting incriminating information with someone from work — Adam — without the elements of the relationship I used to deal with, with Rick at home. Adam used to yell at me quite often about the shit that I said in my journal about him (and the other people I used to work with) of which turned into all out war when Entry 433 was posted and a couple of weeks later found himself written up with a 6 month probation for inappropriate behavior in the work place. During the interviews with my manager and the HR manager called in to handle the situation discussed in that entry and with Adam that quite a lot of people from work had been reading my online journal, and my manager went on further to state that for as long as the information was not customer or company sensitive Cox’s position was that they had no issues with what I would be posting in my journal.

However, I found my attitude toward my writing in my journal had changed rather grossly — particularly when it came to what I wanted to say vs. what would eventually be online. First off, I didn’t want to have to deal with the torqued up adrenaline I often had when Adam had a bug up his ass about things I had been saying in my journal, in spite of the fact that I hadn’t named him in the entry and was in fact talking about someone else at work that was being as (if not more) childish than he had been in the first 8 months of working with him. Then I began getting self-conscious as to what I could and couldn’t say because of work. With these two contributing factors, I found myself becoming terribly self-conscious about the subject matter that I wanted to choose, often taking to either the most diplomatic way of saying things, or else I would find subjects that simply avoided dealing with any issues that I had going on in my head and simply wrote whatever fluff that I could for the sake of writing a journal entry.

This didn’t change come the beginning of this year (2010), when the three most childish people I had ever dealt with in my 30 years of working had moved on to other jobs and other career choices (and in one case incarceration). If anything, I found myself continuing with the most banal subject matter and every day life out of habit more than the potential freedom that came without the intense and often incendiary scrutiny of man-children thinking that infantile actions should not come with consequences when management wasn’t around and called it a day at 11:30 PM.

It was about this point that I began to become self-conscious of my loathing toward dedicating time to writing a journal entry that would eventually be posted online.

[Last Edited: 12/12/2010 08:06:04 PM]

Life around me changed as it always does. Getting fed up with the endless deluge of Hospitality Calls that reinforced my anger and loathing of stupid and lazy people with computer equipment; I began reevaluating my prolonged employment there, and ultimately decided that it would be good for my sanity and my intellectual well being to give up rather than stick around and deal what could only end with me getting fired (as several other people had from what I had been told).

While I’ve had more dreams that indicated my regret for leaving the job — consciously I believe it was the best thing I could do given my attitude had been changed in ways that weren’t me. People have commented in the weeks and months that I had left the job, my sarcasm hasn’t been as harsh as it had been the last 10 months since the merger between the two call centers, and I had even been able to get onto my soapbox a few times since then to address some of the issues that have been bothering me while watching the kids in chat being — well foolish and ill-mannered.

This had some pretty obvious changes in me because with one of the places that I mirror my journal to, I found that I had an audience. An active audience that admitted the wisdom of the words and some even commenting on their continuing following my journal some commenting with regularity. I’ve been feeling as though I have the responsibility of being wise, intelligent and even entertaining. Couple this feeling with the feeling that I’ve been writing so blandly for too long, and I’m left with the positively loathsome feeling of not wanting to write at all.

To think I never thought that fame or popularity would affect me as perniciously or as profoundly as it would. On the one side, there’s a small part of me that thinks that it was better back when I didn’t actually know when people were reading my journals online. There’s a sort of freedom that comes from anonymity. On the other, this is a sort of lesson I need to learn from and should be keenly reminded of my roots as the outcast, not caring for the fame, popularity or [positive] attention that my actions can give me. Either/or; I need to stop worrying about trying to impress people with my intelligence, my wit and my snarky disposition and my experience. And simply be…

Well, I’m off for the moment. I feel a bit better about getting that off my chest. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be able to talk about some of the other trials and tribulations going on in my life. Until the next time.

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: