Home > Computers and Internet, Romance/Relationships, Social > Entry 01/08/2011 12:56:44 PM – Mentat 594

Entry 01/08/2011 12:56:44 PM – Mentat 594


Well, I certainly had an interesting start to this morning. My cat apparently was having a nostalgic moment while we were laying in bed and seeing as she was hungry and wanted food, she decided on putting a very wet and cold nose into my exposed ear, purring loudly to get my attention. To make matters worse is that now that she’s over a decade old, she also drools so as she’s getting up to my ear to do this, she’s also drooling all over my face and cheek. Heh, certainly not the sort of way I want to wake up in the morning (apart from my own occasional drooling which can be quite the eye-rolling experience as well). Then as I had her happily fed, and checking e-mail, see I got a note from someone I had bestowed a Jester Award for an outstandingly humorous profile; asking familiar questions I’ve been getting since I’ve been part of this particular dating site —

  • Have you had any success with this site?
  • Is anyone using this site real?

Then after shaving, dressing and getting my business while chatting with Glenn about bric-a-brac, I start my morning coffee and then get distracted talking with my aunt about someone she was seeing on television (Henry Fonda in Fort Apache), I come back into the apartment to first hear my coffee maker making entirely too much noise, and then seeing that it’s bubbling from the water the rear of it and spilling all over the counter it’s resting on.

For only a split second I was thinking, oh god, there’s going to be no coffee this morning.

Though I got over that pretty quickly when I remembered that in the pantry closet, I have a 12-cup coffee maker in there as back up (and in case I have guests over, which is rare but I’m prepared for it nonetheless). Turns out the feed tube from the water-heater (at the bottom of the unit) to the coffee basket had become dislodged so all heated water was ending up back in the water tank and bubbling up like a volcano. With a little handiwork and a little manly pressure, the coffee maker was back brewing right as rain without a problem.

Crisis averted! Life as we know it can breathe a sigh of relief!

Good thing too, as I didn’t want to have to clean out the bigger coffee maker and prep a new basket of grounds for only 4 cups in a 12-cup pot. That would’ve been more than a little annoying.

Now that I’ve had my morning coffee, the cat’s fallen asleep at my feet and is quietly snoring, the house has a quiet about it at the moment as my aunt’s finished doing her housecleaning and my uncle’s probably passed out while watching John Wayne on AMC, I have a hodgepodge of thoughts and what not about the whole of dating, attraction, love (and unrequited love), and a slew of other half-thoughts and feelings going on the last couple of weeks. Not sure how I’m going to tie it all together, and chances are I’m going to find myself skipping all over the place while writing this. So — those of you that like to voyeur my journals — consider this your warning.

On the lighter side of this, I’m rather surprised to be receiving another note from someone on this dating site asking me whether I’ve had any success using it, and asking me whether the people there using it were real in any sense of the word. Some months ago when I started using it, I recall chatting with someone about it, as I found myself rather amazed at the veracity he had shown in changing pictures and profile information in order to get attention. I had marked him for follow and chatted with him a bit about this, and he told me that he had no luck at all with the site whatsoever. Seems that out of the 5 people he had chatted with, 2 ended up being dates from hell and the other three simply stopped chatting with him prior to setting up a date. After about a month and a half of my following him and watching his pictures change, he stopped. A week after that he deleted his profile — apparently completely giving up on it.

Another man I had casually chatted with told me the same thing, although with this man he had only one date and it went so badly he couldn’t get out of the restaurant fast enough.

Then there was my two attempts. The first never wrote me back. The second was going really well, but when I admitted to my not driving (as he lived in the middle of Connecticut that would definitely pose a problem only 9 hours of riding a Greyhound Bus to that city could remedy), he simply stopped writing me. Never heard from that one again. Chances are once he fully obtained my name, he did a little research and probably ended up finding my Deviant Art account, WordPress and maybe even my Flickr account of which can drive off gay men because of the fear of a blog outing them in a world they have no control over (really, it’s the 21st century. If people haven’t figured out by now you’re gay — you’re either lying pathologically, or self-deluded to think you’re that chameleon-like).

Though as I said to this gentleman that lives in a difficult place to get to without public transportation, I admitted to him that I haven’t really tried as hard as I could. And in a way, it’s true; I’ve been extremely casual about who I’ve written and who I’ve found attractive enough to want to drop a note to. Part of the reason why has been because honestly, like the man that dropped me the note this morning had said — “…I personally know some of the people on here and their profile does not match them in real life…”

In a way it’s had me thinking about it, though after him saying this it has helped me form a better way of putting to words what I’ve been thinking. Sure, I understand that people try to put their best foot forward when it comes to getting a date (be it face-to-face or on a dating site) and too often that best foot forward can be more than a simple embellishment in order to impress a potential date/suitor. Hell, I understand this — I’ve done it in the past. Though, what I’ve seen on many of these profiles are bald-faced and often egregious lies. For example, saying one is making $100K+ in an area of the United States who’s average annual income is $35K – $60K… Well, that’s basically going to start the downward spiral of doubt and mistrust of any other information provided within the profile. Really, we can’t all be making $100,000+, have 8″ penises, travel a every month, be “laid back” and “drama free”… And yet why must more and more men looking for a date (online and off) propagate such a deceptive vision of one-self? You’re going to get caught, and when that happens, you really can’t cry about the failure of a dating site when you failed to be honest to begin with. Admittedly as I said to Glenn (and a bit indirectly to the man that I responded to), it becomes extremely off-putting when you can spot multiple lies in a profile.

To make matters worse, with the exclusion of a precious few people that I’ve chatted with around here (the area) — New Englanders are just plain crass, rude and extremely impatient. I know I have my moments when it comes to being exactly like every Yankee I’ve ever encountered, but at the same time when I’m calm and when I’m emotionally balanced I generally attempt to practice manners and etiquette. Some of the things that I’ve seen come out of New Englanders mouths, and off of the tips of their fingers in a note/e-mail are generally the sort of thing that would get you shunned if you said that in the south and ignored in the west. I should know, I learned this when I lived in Atlanta and Seattle (and probably why I learned manners the hard way).

[Last Edited: 01/08/2011 07:15:06 PM]

The other thought that I had is a sort of rehash of an issue that I’ve visited time and again the last year that felt the need to be reiterated one more time. The fact of the matter is when a man reaches middle age, there comes with it some pretty heavy baggage. Let’s face it, it’s not any easier being a gay man reaching middle age given the various horrors life visits upon us for being different and the various horrors we visit upon ourselves because of the abuses collected in our lives. Given what’s happened in my life the last two decades — I have collected a hell of a lot of emotional and mental baggage along the way that routinely has a way of haunting me in various ways when dealing with others. From trust issues, to outright cynicism, to the occasional delusion that my simple presence can make a difference in someone’s life, to even the thought that love is enough to change a person.

And those trust issues are frequently visited whenever I begin dealing with a middle-aged man that continues to demonstrate the sex-only mentality of 30 years ago with penis pictures for profile avatars, fake pictures that have been recycled and reused so much that you can see the compression distortion in the bigger version of the picture, and hitting on me as though being sexual is being sexy in spite of the fact my profile doesn’t read anything for people looking for casual encounters/sex.

Honestly, there’s something to be said about those younger than me. While there are some that picked up the sex first approach to relationships, the stifling power of political correctness makes sure that in a public/semi-public setting — such attitudes are kept to a minimum. Either that or I’ve simply been lucky in that those that are younger than me simply don’t find me sexually appealing/attractive enough to want to flirt with me. Either or, it’s a nice way of getting to knowing another human being without the implied undertones of sex being involved as routinely as they are when talking to someone closer to my age.

Though this sort of segues into my next issue that has sort of developed over the last couple of weeks — an issue of unrequited love for a friend. Though even printing that out, it’s even more complex than what I’m trying to say. Sure, there are elements of attraction in there, though there’s also the altruistic love of a best friend as well. It’s this strange sort of balance between wishing to be intimate with this friend, as well as enjoying the fact that I cannot be intimate with this friend because of his own obligations and attractions, and even the occasional frustration of wanting to smack him upside the head and tell him he needs to stop holding everything in the way that he does.

It most probably because I’m feeling lonely at the moment now that I’ve gotten through the holidays relatively unscathed and he’s been nice to me and I’m misinterpreting it like I usually do. Post holiday blues tend to do that to me, particularly given the people I know are usually off with their boyfriends/girlfriends/partners/husbands/wives and I’m usually wishing for those sort of quiet moments that I used to have back in the 90s with Darin.

Well, I think I’ve pretty much covered what it was that I wanted to for the time being. Tomorrow while I’m doing laundry I think that I’ll work a bit on getting some of my profiles updated a bit. Went looking at one and didn’t realize just how dated it was. So I have something to do.

Until the next time then.

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