Home > Computers and Internet, Life or something like it, Romance/Relationships, Winter > Entry 03/27/2011 01:33:07 PM – Mentat 607

Entry 03/27/2011 01:33:07 PM – Mentat 607


If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.” – Zaphod Beeblebrox, H2G2

Blah to this cold weather…

Blah to the insolence I’ve been getting from the Hellbeast as I’ve had to get up to do laundry…

Blah to doing the chores that I routinely do on Sunday…

Blah… Just blah…

Friends and family keep telling me to be patient and keep calm as Spring is right around the corner, but seriously the teaser of warmer weather that we got in the Tundras of New England last week where the temperatures reached to almost 70 F (21.1 C) was enough to wake up the dormant bear and seriously wanting to open up the windows more, and perhaps get some bike riding in just to work off some of the pent up energy that’s been building for the last three weeks. I’m sitting here regretting the fact that all I did was open the windows for a few hours and sat there for a bit near the open window reading and with the cat on my lap; instead of getting out for a bit and feel the warmth and chill of the air. To basically feel as though the illusion of spring was in fact right around the corner instead of the reality that Spring is actually still almost a month away.

Of course it doesn’t help matters any looking at the weather forecasts for the next 10 days and the only time I’m seeing anything close to 50s F (10s C) will the one day that we’re getting showers. Which is actually more winter-like weather in the south than spring-like weather attributed to the North. If anything, it makes me more crotchety because I feel as though the winter’s never going to draw to an end any time soon. I’ll try to persist on through and hope that the forecasters and charlatans that we call meteorologists will might be wrong and there will be more warmer weather in the next 10 days… And if not, then I’m going to have to man-up and just deal with the cold for a bit to work out my winter-blahs impatience.

I had an interesting talk with my aunt yesterday when we had stopped for a late lunch as I volunteered to go with her to BJ’s Wholesale Club, as my uncle wasn’t up for hobbling about the central heated and air-conditioned comfort of a pseudo-warehouse shopping experience because he had spent the day before hobbling about a funeral mass, burial and wake. It seems that my aunt’s back to taking a full pill for the geriatric diabetes that she’s been suffering through for some years and the pill that she’s taking it one of those one-a-day, long acting prescriptions that’s used to control her sugar levels. One of the side-effects that she’s having is that about 4 hours after she takes the pill, her sugar plummets hard and that she starts suffering from various side-effects that I suffer through because of hypoglycemia. She was telling me her sugar levels have reached a level of 43 causing her to suffer through various forms of disorientation, dizzy spells, sweating and palpitations, and extreme tiredness once her sugar levels are normalized. Yesterday though she tried to say she has always had issues with saying certain words, I did catch her with one symptom that I recognize all too well: difficulty being able to speak coherently.

The problem is that she doesn’t know how to eat properly and worse, she doesn’t know how to watch out for the routine warning signs and take the proper steps when the prescription kicks in and her sugars begin to drop. And so, as we were sitting there eating a bit of a late lunch and after I stressed to her she needs to talk to her doctor about this particular pill and seeing about alternatives or different dosages with it, I explained to her some of the dietary habits I’ve had to adopt since I had been diagnosed as hypoglycemic when I was a toddler. Although there seemed to be one problem that she has with her diet that I don’t and couple this both with what I understand of diabetes/hypoglycemia in my family and our dietary habits is causing her issues later in the day: her intake of High Carbohydrates as a means of abating her low sugar.

When I begin to notice my sugar getting low the last thing I tend to eat when this happens is Heavy/High Carbohydrates. The reason why is that it’s a complex sugar that stores first and then breaks down later. While this isn’t a bad thing, it can often mean for me that I will continue to suffer the side effects of low-blood sugar before I begin to normalize. As I told my aunt, while eating something with high carbs can help with normalizing sugar throughout the day, by the time you’re already feeling the effects of a moderate hypoglycemic attack, the last thing you should be looking for is high carbs. Simple sugars from fruits and vegetables, proteins, some fat and whole grain breads should be what’s on the menu. I explained to her why a PB&J is more my best friend than glucose tabs any day. It’s quick to get into the system, the side-effects can pass as quickly as ½ hour and you can be on your way without the fear of having to go to an ER for a glucose IV drip. Further — add this to the high carbs that my aunt tends to cook come supper time, while it might help me get through the night without issue — for her it usually means that she’s looking at her sugar readings at 200+ both by the end of the night as well as in the morning before her next dosage of her prescription.

As we were finishing up out lunch and heading out to Franklin, MA (to BJ’s), I admitted to her that since coming back to being a Daywalker, I’ve noticed my sugar levels tend to drop a hell of a lot more than they did when I was working at night. For example, when I used to work nights, I would get up between 6 PM and 7 PM at night and after a quick/modest breakfast of cereal with milk or oatmeal, ride a mile to the bus stop, and another 3 from the stop to work, picking up an iced coffee along the way (a big no there as caffeine saps sugar, but it’s one of those vices I refuse to give up). By 11 PM (5 hours after I woke up) which was my first break, I usually had either granola or oatmeal bars. Three hours after that (2 PM) I would have lunch which was pretty much a “meat & potato” type meal (combination of heavy carbs, proteins/fats and simple sugars/vegetables) . Three hours after that was another break and Pop Tarts. And after an 8 mile ride home that took an hour, four hours after the last break I usually had something simple like a salad with or without some sort of meat to it.

Heh, of course sitting here writing this out after talking about it, I realize why my sugar’s plummeting more the way that it is. I’m eating traditionally like I would if I were a Daywalker instead of Nightbreed: My lunch is the equivalent of a simple supper, and my supper is actually the heavy lunch that I used to have. Because of this swap out, I’m noticing that I’m having serious sugar drops at 2 PM and then again at 5 PM (just prior to actually sitting down and having supper). So it would seem that come next week, I’m going to have to swap around my meals and see if that abates the sugar drops that I’ve been catching myself having.

Now if it were only just that easy for my aunt.

I’ll be back shortly. I’m off to take a quick power nap.

[Last Edited: 03/27/2011 06:28:47 PM]

Now that I’ve gotten in a nap, got caught up on my queue (Fairly Legal and Fringe), and had the last big supper for a long time to come, I’m sitting here realizing that I’ve worked out the problem with why my system crashes the way that it does because of the video driver. It seems that during boot up time, if the PATA drives are already on, the system’s sure to crash. When during boot up it does a diagnostic on the PATA drives, things work out for the best without a crash or any sort of init weirdness. This is why when I reboot in the morning after it’s been sitting idle for 6 – 8 hours it never crashes, but when I’ve been moving files and playing hard on the workhorse that it does.

So the next time I need to reboot, I’m going to drop into the BIOS and check a couple of settings between the PATA diagnostics and the NVRAM and see whether it’s something that needs to be tweaked. I suspect because I had updated the video card (as this is a significantly different video card than the one I had loaded in prior), something isn’t quite right in the settings causing it to crash the way that it does. And if worse comes to worse, I’m going to try the old tried and true method of reset. Shut down. Leave off for a minute or two and then start up and see if that fixes the problem. (Just love that self-tech support).

As for the rest…

Yesterday on the way home from shopping with my aunt, we made a stop at Warehouse Liquor and picked myself up a six pack of Bass… Something that according to my checkbook — did sometime toward the end of August for a fifth of bourbon — and in the right sort of tipsy that can only happen when one is a lightweight, found myself confounded with all sorts of feelings and emotions that I’ve been doing my best burying just beneath the surface for apparent and obvious reasons.

For you see, once everything had been mashed up and brought up to the surface, I realize that the issues that I have going on involve old elements and an older story. The story of desiring the one thing I cannot have. Instead of moving on like a typical human being should. Instead of finding alternatives to that one story — I find myself holding a torch, patiently waiting for some sort of change that what I cannot have can slowly become what I can. The thing is that I know better. Too many years of it in my life holding the torch for those that I feel strongly for, and those feelings aren’t in the least bit reciprocated had in the past ended in frustration, anger, and even a shade of hostility (more as a dramatic means of moving on from the situation for that “clean break” feeling). And still I continue with the same willful and even hopeful determination that I can.

I know the reason why too. Another old story there that feeds into all this holding torches and wanting what one cannot have. One that stems from the decisions that I had made in 1999 when I had a choice between someone that lived 1,000 miles away and someone that lived only 60 miles away. One was shy the other seemed alright, and I ended up making the wrong decision between those two of which affected my life for the next 4½ years and even now, 12 years later. So since then, when I meet someone I can relate to, is extremely nice and even gentlemanly regardless of age, locale, and temperament I will hold out for them, waiting patiently. After all, the last thing I want to go through is another abusive or even desolate relationship.

I don’t know… Sometimes I think I do the right thing in breaking away cleanly. I tend to handle the unknown far better than I do when comparing the difference between the known and unknown. I’m also less likely to compare that which I have in my life (even if it’s wanting more) and those that I’m trying to learn. Other times, I’m not sure whether I’ve needed to learn the lesson about love/intimacy, attraction and friendship and think what I do is simply the easiest answer for myself.

It’s just one of those things that I find myself routinely struggling with. To the point where everything — even my life — often feels as though it’s at a standstill.

Then there’s the creative muse that seems to sit just out of range from me, smirking in that capricious sort of way. Like she gives me something to work with and yet it’s just enough to whet my passion to wanting to write a story, and yet failing to give me enough to work with. Take for example — the sequel to Companion that I wanted to do. I can see writing it and I can see some elements that I can work into the story given the way that I had ended it. The problem with that is the theme to the story that I’m trying to write about is Fighting for what’s right no matter the odds is something I’ve never really experienced before. In my life when it comes to that crucible — that point in a relationship that one needs to prove what’s right in order for things to end happy — it has never happened to me/for me. Either the break up occurs anyway, or they simply didn’t feel the same way for me as I did for them and things just end.

I mean sure I can write it however I want and end it in a way that I’d like it to end… the problem is that my method of writing involves being able to relate to the feelings and then writing them into the story in a manner that other people can end up reading (and ultimately relating to). Without being able to personally relate to the situation I don’t think that others can or will either. Let’s face it — Talos — is certainly proof of this given that when I went back to reading it for editing and continuing to write the story; the happy and strained relationship between the two protagonists was unreal and unbelievable even by my broadest standards of writing.

Well, that’s about it for the time being. Off to fold my laundry and listen to some more music before I pass out for the night. Until the next time.

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