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Busy and Quiet in the Tundras of New England

03/17/2012

Entry 03/17/2012 10:36:17 AM – Mentat 635

This is just one of those sort of days when in spite of all the chores that I’m going to accomplish by afternoon, I would rather just sit around on a porch somewhere, coffee in hand, and watching the world move in quiet chaos. Yes, it’s St. Patrick’s Day and I found my neighborhood surprisingly sedate. I’m not sure whether it’s because people in my neighborhood (mostly a mix of Hispanic comprising of Latin and South American Nationalities) are lying low while the rest of the folk in the state find it another reason to party, get drunk and wear green, or because it’s cold, damp and a bit on the raw side (as opposed to the unusually warm weather we had by mid-week). In any case, the supermarket was barren… The laundry is as well with just the owner and the help doing the drop off. Heh, about the only place that seemed to have been hopping was the Dunkin Donuts that I passed on the way to doing my laundry with the drive-through having a queue one would expect to see during weekday morning Rush Hour. It made me think about waiting a bit before stopping by for a large iced coffee though sitting here at the moment I find myself regretting that decision as I’m seriously jonesing for my morning ritual. Though I do know I’m going to need the coffee more when I get home, because the next chore on my to-do list is the housecleaning — and that’s going to be a chore and a half.

Sitting here yawning and stretching entirely too much, I have to say that I’ve been doing surprisingly well since my last journal entry involving my confessing my problems. I know this is temporary high has to do with two things — the burden I’ve been carrying about my issues is a bit lighter and the fact that I’ve found a new obsession (of sorts).

Earlier in the week, I was still going through a binging of watching movies — mostly LGBT — and have finally had my fill of them. I sort of guessed I was scraping the bottom of the barrel with them last week, but wanted to see if there were any more to watch. Boy, was I mostly wrong. While I was able to watch Patrik, Age 1.5 (good movie), and a Question of Love (French film), the rest were complete and utter shit. Moral depravity, Narcissism and Obsession, Codependency and drug addiction… I knew at this point I was watching films that covered elements within the community that I had always strived to avoid in my long life. Though I did brave through Clapham Junction with a mixture of disgust the same feeling one gets rubbernecking to seeing a train wreck in progress. It was a spectacle and a disaster in more ways than one — and I did enjoy the thought that in spite of all the moral depravity and selfishness present, humans can sometimes do the right thing.

Since then though, I’ve had a mini-obsession going involving a coupling fan that has spent considerable time editing out one couples actions through the series into 2 – 10 minute segments Yes, this definitely caused my insomnia yesterday (which is seriously throwing off my internal clock as I type this), as I spent a majority of my time watching it to see where it’s going. Well, I know where it’s going to end — it’s a soap opera after all — no one’s going to have a happily ever after. Everyone — gay and straight alike — are going to have torrid relationship problems. Still though, it’s amusing in an idealized sort of way that has been both a distraction and a therapy to the problems I’m working through.

Oh… Yeah… There’s something else that I’m sort of working through at the moment, one that I recently admitted to a good acquaintance of mine on DA. You see, I’ve been wrestling with a change that happened to me during and after the disaster of a relationship with Rick. As a child I was an introvert mainly because I was gay and felt isolated and different from anyone else. When I came out — I still felt isolated — though I did make it a point to be a bit more sociable than I was before if only because the isolation I was feeling sort of got easier after coming out. When I joined the Army (and met Tommy) and later when I came home and lived on my own — I set out to becoming more gregarious than I ever was in my adolescence.

I did remarkably well particularly after my epiphany when I was 25 and things got easier for me to being not only more sociable and gregarious but able to move from group to group with an ease I had never felt before. While things changed a bit when I moved to Atlanta (because of all the friends I had made when I moved there, and lost to complications to AIDS), my attitude changed in that I was still gregarious but was able to enjoy my solitude away from friends and groups for longer periods of time. More as a means of recharging the spiritual (and emotional) batteries before heading out to meeting more people.

That sort of changed when dealing with Rick’s jealousy and insecurities whenever he found me friendly with people. I could go into the horrors of the incessant fighting and petty insinuations of jealousy he had whenever he found me relating to someone else more than he thought he was able to relate to me, but the fact is — I allowed myself to be controlled by this. I allowed myself to be dominated by his petty jealousy and bickering. To the point where I had once again became like the introvert I was in school. Years later as I’m sitting here, I realize that I haven’t really changed all that much. While I can be civil and sort of sociable in a work environment, get me out of work and I’m pretty much an unknown hermit and ascetic pretty much staying home and spending most of my time chatting with friends and acquaintances all over the world, playing games, or watching my television queue.

The thing is — I’m confused whether or not I want to change this any. On the one side I have become familiar and used to my solitude. On the other I know no man is an island, and isolation is not a good thing for the likes of me. Particularly given part of my nature is to debate and understand how people think and feel.

[Last Edited: 03/17/2012 02:32:42 PM]

All right… Back again. After all three of my chores are done and sitting down for a late lunch. To continue…

One of the things that I thought about as I was cleaning the bathroom is that in my being sociable comes hand-in-hand is the gift I was born into that can be extremely draining (and disconcerting): being the Father Confessor for friend and stranger alike. Something about the way that I carry myself… Something about the way I look — people will tell me of their “sins” without a second thought. After Tommy’s death I found that extremely disconcerting; dealing with my grief was one thing… Dealing with the secrets and the sins/wrongs of others was completely over the top. At one point I sabotaged this in a way that people stopped sharing.. But after my epiphany it started to return and I tried to keep it toned down. I was in love with Darin at the time, and I wanted to enjoy my time with him more than working through my karma that involves helping people learn to cope with their own wrong-doings.

Now though? I don’t know if I’m up for the responsibility again. Let’s face it — it runs on my mother’s side of the family (though it seemed to skip my parent’s generation who completely ignores anything of the sort) and I remember vividly how diligent my grandmother was about that calling up to her stroke some years ago. From my watching my grandmother over the years to my own experience with it — it’s draining. And while I can live without the gratitude or the pat on the back (as I have a sort of ego boost for having whatever I’ve done — good or not so — go unnoticed), I find that it’s rather hard to live without the peace and grounding that has come from years of solitude and quiet reflection.

Maybe I can balance it without burning myself out or freaking myself out like I did the last time. We’ll see…

Well I think that’s going to be it for the time being.. Head’s not where it was earlier thanks to the orgasmic experience of a good strong pot of coffee, and being sated from Lunch, so I need to be off. Until the next time.

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