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Ruminations on a Spring Day

03/19/2012

Entry 03/19/2012 01:58:11 PM – Mentat 636

Man, I’m beat. Drained. Knackered. Slagged.

Once again I stayed up much too late, and got up much too early. Amusing that given that for a creature that I am and being well known to being more Nightbreed than Daywalker, the instant the sun is up to a certain point in the sky and the lumens in my room reach a certain level — I’m up much to my chagrin. Sure, I could always hang the old blackout curtains to fix this issue and sleep for as long as I possibly can, but I’m just too lazy to do it. So I’ll suffer through the half-knackered feeling until such time as the caffeine and adrenaline that I’m currently running on has crashed out of my system and I pass out into the wet spot of drool on my pillow… Or in this case on the chaise outside in the backyard.

I’m still fairly impressed with my old router given that I’ve got signal in the back area of the house — enough to sit here and watch the YouTube videos that I’ve been watching on and off the last couple of days. I know that I can still get signal all the way out to the bus stop at the corner, but it’s one thing where I have a direct line of sight (after all my room and the router location is in the front of the house), it’s quite another to be in the back of the house and still get a “good” signal. Not too bad for a router that’s only been certified for home use. I might actually stick to this brand (TRENDNet) given it’s durability and power. That and the fact that unlike most home routers, it has a metric that autocorrects itself back up to synch and speed. In fact, I think out of the 3+ years I’ve owned it, I’ve technically only had to reset it a handful of times because it got de-synched and didn’t reset properly.

Although with the warmer weather coming, I’m seriously going to need to look into getting a new Desktop Case. I lost one fan earlier in the year (whatever was holding the fan assembly into the electro-magnetic motor had stopped working and the fan itself become unbalanced. And now the one that’s on the removable door has suffered the same fate. Add to one of the front fans who’s motor had died and simply won’t power back up and the case is in serious need of proper ventilation. After all, it’s one thing to have a P4 with 2 fans and modest ventilation, it’s quite another with an i7 which needs far more cooling. Seeing as I have the money, I’ll probably be ordering it this week. It’ll at least give me the chance to clean out the dust that’s in there (as I’m coming close to the semi-annual dust contamination clean out… Let’s just hope that I don’t have the same amount of “fun” I had April’s Fool last year. *crossing fingers* More on that at the end of the week.

I had not one but to trials to face yesterday. One that left me rather angry (well, madder then normal) and the other that left me feeling rather daunted. The anger came from an incident listening to Mark talking about his kids (he has 4 or 5 of them), and how one of his daughters got into his grandmother’s makeup to make herself look “pretty”. Listening to that reminded me of the zaniness of my brothers and my growing up… The time my brother at 4 got into my mother’s lipstick to do the same thing (and then later ate on the stick of lipstick much to my mother’s horror). While I could definitely understand most of Mark’s reaction to the thought that his daughter at 8 shouldn’t be putting on makeup; what set me off was listening to the one-sided story of his how he and his ex-wife put the child in the middle of their petty bickering and fighting. Oh god, it brought me back to the time my parents were going through their ever never ending custody battles and using my brother and I to get at each other by manipulating us in the middle. And listening to Mark’s stories (which not only has a terribly one-sided feeling to them making himself out to being the completely innocent victim, but also has all the wrong earmarks of self-delusional lies) completely set me off. Boy was I ever angry… furious… Some of the bullshit that Mark does reminded me of the pathological lies that my biological father was well known for. And so I went at him with a vengeance… Sure I eventually calmed down and realized what it was that was eating at me, I even apologized… I was just surprised how the demons from my childhood can still take hold of me at middle-age. I guess there are just some things no matter how calmed down some demons are, they sometimes have a habit of coming out of their coma and wrecking havoc for a little bit before going back to their slumber.

The other thing came later in the evening, after I calmed down… After having a long-time coming chat with Glenn… When he was reading his journal, I made a comment about the importance of keeping one. While I admitted something to him (that I’ll share here), I’m not sure I’ll be able to convey the feelings of concern that I felt while I was talking about this. The thing is… In all the years I’ve written my diaries and journals, there is a section of them that leaves me feeling: alien. Strange. And that’s all my entries from 2004 to 2005. I have sat there reading those entries now and again and realize I still don’t recognize the man that wrote those. While I don’t have hyperthymesia, I do have a very long and orderly memory. When I look back and read an entry, there are three things that have always helped identify the authenticity of the stories within them: how I write, what I write about, and how they can trigger the labels to the memories that I’m writing about.

Looking at those entries, I can see my writing style and even the words nuances that I’m using to describe something within the entry, but everything that I’m talking about doesn’t trigger any memories within them, or even trigger the (for lack of a better word) indexes where those memories are stored. Sure I can occasionally see glimpses of what I’m talking about in my mind’s eye. But they don’t seem to be me, but someone else trying to be me. And that sort of frightens me. Years and years later, I realize that in the various high and low points in my life I have never before been that low as to near completely wipe out the memories and all the normal cues that I use to remembering things within my life.

As I said to Glenn, the closer I get to the time of the car accident and losing Tommy, I know that there had been organic damage from the traumatic head injury of the car accident. I can accept that, it’s something that falls out of my hands (and my control) because it had happened to me. But that time between entries 50 through to around 190… It’s entirely different. It’s like I intentionally went out of my way (consciously or unconsciously) wipe out all the memories of that time.

Hmmm.. Writing about this, it’s sort of sad really. If there was anything that I would want driven out of my mind was the years of anger, and abuse and toxicity of a relationship I had with Rick, but instead I wiped the memories out of my trying to pick myself up off the ground after our break up. I know, I know… I say it all the time to the kids I chat with — Millions of years of evolution taught we humans to remember the bad over the good, because it’s the hurt and the pain that keeps us fighting for survival. That which hasn’t killed us makes us stronger and all that. But here I thought I was just a little bit different. A little bit more evolved than my brethren Homo Sapiens. That with my ability to remembering the bad with the good, I could also remember the hurt and the recovery. Apparently this isn’t the case.

I guess I’m not as far along as I thought I was. *grins* I guess a little eating crow is in order for the likes of me. And a reminder I still have not only a little growing up to do but also a lot more evolving.

Well that’s about it for the time being. I’m off to enjoy the remainder of the day, have a supper and perhaps play a game or two before I call it an early evening. Until the next time.

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