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Quandaries on the Road of Life


Entry 04/12/2012 08:53:23 AM – Mentat 640

Ah, what fun it’s been this morning and it’s only the start. I finally did sort of get the right amount of sleep last night woke up with the growing dawn and sunrise. I didn’t mind it so much as I did get the right amount of sleep. The Mad Cat Committee™ was skulking about my door this morning — mainly with Saucy wanting in this time instead of Wilma (probably so that she could caterwaul out my window to announce how ready she is to have kittens). *eye roll* at least Saucy’s quiet at the moment, though I digress… And I got through all my chores quickly this morning; though the air head that I am, the last ½ hour I was like, “where’s my coffee?” only to realize that the water was in the maker, the pot in the right place and the coffee was in the filter, but damn if I didn’t leave the cover to the coffeemaker up and the coffeemaker off. Yeah, this is a sure sign to what’s going to be going on today for the likes of me, I’m sure of it.

So this morning, I’m off on a tear to watch through a few soap operas. Part of the reason is because all of my chores are done. Part of the reason is because I want to avoid a semi-sore subject from last night. Part of the reason is because I have other issues I should be thinking on and don’t really want to at the moment. And finally part of the reason is because I really need to get over my running away from soap operas every time the story gets too gripping.

Yeah, that’s a fun one to be sure. I know that soap operas are supposed to be train wrecks in various degrees. Relationships come together and crash apart in often spectacular drama. Sure infidelity and deceit are easy enough for me to handle in any sort of story — but when it comes to heartbreak? I’m running away as fast as I can. Skid marks are left from about where my desk is, to the other side of the house (and sometimes even farther out to the street). I don’t know what it is about heartbreak in a story that causes me to run for the hills more than any other element. I mean I’ve gone through my fair share of it in my life — but seeing it happening to someone else? Just tears me and I just can’t watch. Sometimes I think it’s because I feel so helpless watching and not being able to interact. Other times, it’s just that I find myself annoyed (when I realize it later on) just how stupid people can be sometimes. And still other times, I believe it’s because writers can be horribly trite and contrived and make the drama happen because they don’t know how to handle the real drama of making things work with two characters in a story.

Yeah, yeah… I know… Soap Opera… They’re supposed to work out that way. No one’s supposed to live happily ever after in a soap opera. That wouldn’t be a soap, it would be a fantasy. But it makes it easier to realize that in the real world — there’s more to problems than the most contrived that come up in Soap Operas.

Take for example the problem from last night that I’ve been sort of avoided thinking too much about. I was supposed to chat with someone online last night who didn’t show up and only noted me two hours after the time we were supposed to meet and chat telling me that he had to make some sort of emergency trip to western Massachusetts and that he wouldn’t be back until midnight. Even after the note that he had left me, I am ready to write him off. For a person that says that he’s “emotive” and “expressive” I have found him each time we’ve attempted to chat online to be stilted and an emotional wreck from pressures in his life. My impression is that he lacks even the most rudimentary multitasking abilities and incapable to switching gears as a means of taking a break from whatever it is that’s bothering him. While he’s been respectful of my wishes about taking it slow and chatting a bit online first — he has made a couple of overt comments (which come off more for me as gentle pressuring) about his wanting to talk with me on the phone so that he can hear instead of reading me.

I feel… nothing… when I’ve talked with him in chat and in note. I get the distinct impression as though I’m father confessor for his problems and drama. And worst of all, I feel completely detached whenever I give him any wisdom. As though I’m going through the motions for the sake of it and nothing more. There’s no emotional commitment nor want to emotionally invest to anything that he says. It’s the sort of feeling I get whenever I find someone that while being good intentioned and well-meaning, though is trying way too hard to impress. For lack of a better phrase, it’s like caressing the air: I can feel the pressure of the air’s movement, but there is positively no substance to it.

As I sit here with his apology in my inbox, I find myself in sort of a quandary about how I want to handle it. On the one side, I think it’s time to simply end this before it goes anywhere else. One of the things that I want in my life is a man that can live up to his word (after all, if a man can’t live by his word, what is the man’s worth?). Damion absolutely positively spoiled me on this. When Damion made a promise, he quite literally lived up to it — even if at the appointed time he said he would show up — he would tell me that he needed more time to think it through. In the year and a day that Damion and I were together he had never left me feeling as though I were in limbo (well, except for that one time, but he didn’t run away when I confronted him).

What’s got me thinking is that I’m sure this man — Tom is his name — had ample time to realize that this trip was going to happen and that a note more than 2-hours after the promised time is never a good omen for anything. Particularly when you consider that he could’ve noted me on his way out the door telling me he would need to reschedule.

On the other… Well on the other, I’m sitting here thinking I’m being too hard and harsh in my decision. I have other — more serious issues — going on in my life at the moment that can definitely be shading my actions and reactions on this. And perhaps because of those more serious issues I’m pulling one of my notorious “cut out all the drama” moments in order to balance myself back to peaceful.

I think I’m going to sit on it for a couple of more days before I make any decision, in spite of the majority of evidence present that states that the best that could come of this is a casual friendship.

Heh, and for the record, I’ve stopped watching the soaps again. Seems that it’s hinting that one of Oliver’s trysts (Verboten Liebe) from the past has HIV and further inferred through body-language and looks that the two of them had been intimate. I think it’s a PSA-type message — the first one for this German Soap Opera that I find so blatant in American Soaps — and I’m not in the mood of going down a road I’ve gone down in reality a hundred times, and on television a thousand more. So instead of dealing with the continuing story for the moment, I’m off to making Apophysis Fractals for a bit (and man am I ever rusty). So expect a couple of uploads from me on this in the usual places.

As for the other issue… I’m not quite ready to talk about it. I’d rather stew on it a whole lot more before I start talking about it. Well that and I have to confront the intended party before I start pouring out what I’m thinking and feeling here. It is the least I can do about it.

Other than that, well… I’m finally in a good mood. I have my iced coffee here at my desk, watch the seconds tick by for another fractal that came out interesting all on it’s own and without any help from me (and looks like a woman’s fan) as it finishes, listening to some trance and enjoying the fact that the car wash is dead, dead, dead. Seems that the witch doctors have been predicting more rain today (though from what I’m seeing, it’s only partly cloudy) so no one’s over there making a nuisance for the denizens of the neighborhood. I’ve been stuck on John O’Callaghan’s remix of Gareth Emery’s Concrete Angel mostly because I find the lyrics to the song to being on the mark with the issue I’m not ready to talk about. Time to find something else to listen to, else I have another episode of a song getting stuck in my head and going on all day. That and perhaps play a game or three before another round of “I’m so (fill in the blank)” when the roommate wakes up.

Time for me to run. Until the next time.

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