What is…


Entry 04/15/2012 05:50:02 PM – Mentat 641

And so it begins…” Kosh Naranek, Babylon 5

I really hate being verklempt… From it, it can cause me to be somewhere between looking completely to serious amounts of writer’s block. I find myself practically frenetic about trying to find just the right sort of distraction so that whatever it is that’s causing me to be so blocked up. It causes me to be particularly sharp-tongued when dealing with people that come off as hypocritical, disingenuous or fake. It makes me want to go on the offensive when dealing with folk that easily get their knickers in a twist. And I know that this is wrong because all I’m doing is avoiding facing what’s causing me to be so emotionally blocked up. And what’s had me so blocked up has been the issue I hinted at (and didn’t want to talk about) in my last journal entry.

Yes, I was able to finally confront what it was that was causing me to being verklempt. I was able to even put out there to the right party my feelings (and spin) on the situation. And while I feel accomplished in the fact that it’s been written and I’m ready for whatever happens from this point forward, I still have to sort out the feelings that I’m experiencing after the fact. What I’m feeling after the fact is this really weird combination of used, disheartened, disgusted, determined, aggravated, and nausea (emotional, not physical). So instead of dealing with the chain of events that lead to this problem, I’m going to approach it from the philosophical/metaphysical solution… There are two parts to this that I want to touch upon: personal and interpersonal. I’ll see if I can’t mesh them together without making it look like either a laundry list, or a personal attack… (Good luck with that as I’ve been mostly piss and vinegar since I woke up at 5:30 this morning)…

What is a man?

It’s a question I often ask myself when I find myself acting more out of what is expected of me — by family, by friends, by the unspoken peer pressure of the pubic — than what I expect of myself. I find it strange thing given that I am someone that has been on the outside looking in for so long to be influenced by the public as to what is acceptable as to how a man should act publicly and privately just so that I can be better accepted. But, I can still be influenced by such pervasive attitudes and because of this I have to step back once in a while to remind myself what I believe a man should be.

A man should be able to express his feelings; be they passionate, overbearing, outrageously dramatic, or as subtle as a summer wind of a breezeless day. While there is an element of decorum in certain situations, it doesn’t mean that the expression of those feelings has to be so stilted and so congested as to be held in to the point of demonstrating oneself as being emotionless. We’re not Vulcans suppressing our feelings or robots that don’t have emotions.

As I read so many years ago in the Gay Man’s Guide to Life, “wrists are meant to bend”. And to me, that means if you need to cry, then cry your eyes out until the tears stop. If you need to cackle like a madman, then cackle. If you love — love without bounds and boundaries — regardless of gender and proclivity. It doesn’t make you less of a man (in spite of what public peer pressure might tell you); and some of the most well known and most respected men of our times (and in history) were well known for being emotionally expressive.

Stand by what you believe in, but don’t for once allow those beliefs hinder your growth and evolution. Question those beliefs when they seem to hinder instead of enhancing personal growth. Be willing to change when the time comes when you realize what you believe in, just isn’t enough.

Be able to laugh at yourself when you make that embarrassing mistake. Apologize when those mistakes hurt someone else in the process, though also be prepared to start making changes to prevent making the same hurtful mistakes to others.

Stand by what you say, and doubly so to what you commit yourself to an action. No one likes a man (human) that says something and yet does something else. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t work with kids when they’re growing up… And all adults see that as nothing less than hypocrisy.

Strength comes from being “…like a reed in the wind”. Be willing to bend when the time comes for as long as that bending doesn’t involve sacrificing morals in the process. If that flexibility comes too close to one’s morals, look for a compromise that will work for both you and those you’re involved in. If no compromise can be met, walking away is a valid reason. Good hearted people appreciate (and respect) commitment, even if that commitment is to one’s own beliefs. And those that say otherwise (to the point of being negative), you should be cautious of trusting them in your company.

Trust your feelings, your heart, your instincts. Your feelings are what make you, you. Your heart is how you express you. And your instincts come from millions of years of evolution that tell you when to fight, when you should fly, what is right and what isn’t. We homo sapiens wouldn’t have gotten as far as we have if our instincts were to steer us wrong. If you can’t trust your instincts, learn from those that do, you’ll be amazed at the simplicity of how they came to trust their instincts.

Appreciate your limitations. No one can be an expert at everything. Even the Jack-of-All-Trades knows there are just some things out of their ability to learn. At the same time, don’t let that once stop you from trying to improve yourself anyway. Humility is often learned by being like Sisyphus, pushing that boulder up the hill only to watch it roll back down.

And finally — be true to oneself — at all costs. As Oscar Wilde once said, “The aim of life is self-development. To realize one’s nature perfectly – that is what each of us is here for.” When you’re unable to being true to yourself, how can you expect other to seeing you as truthful, honest, trustworthy?

The second deals with friendships and relationships. It’s more an extension of what it is to being a man. Once you’ve worked out how to be true to yourself (or enough that you’re not feeling as though you’re walking blind in a minefield), once you understand what self-respect is, and trust yourself… Then this is the next natural step (even if we homo sapiens have a hard time sorting out which foot to put forward first). And these are some of the things that I’ve learned in my time from going from loner, to social butterfly, to ascetic.

Be it friendship, camaraderie, adversary, boyfriend, lover… Each relationship forged with another human being is unique. As unique as the person you befriend (or make into an adversary). Sometimes you’ll meet someone that rocks you down to the very core of your foundation that that person’s the first one you seek out whenever there’s trouble to be worked through and understand. Sometimes you find them so physically attractive, lust is the firs thing you feel. Sometimes it takes some time to realize what it is about that person that you like most.. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to understand the complexity found in another person. Sometimes it ends up as a close friendship. Sometimes it ends up as a relationship. Sometimes it doesn’t end up as either…. The point is, you can’t put it into a box or give it a label the instant that you think it’s been properly identified. Because like it or not, there’s a third entity in a relationship with another person… And that entity is the energy created by those two people when they interact.

And like any human being — that energy needs to grow in its own way and follow its own path to wherever it leads. Though nurturing and guidance, and understanding, and yes… Even love. Because stunting it before it has a chance to grow by dictating it to follow a narrow path? Well, it’s no better than parents trying to live their lives through their children.

That’s it for the time being. I’ve been struggling through the second half of this to the point where I feel like I’ve been blathering about pointlessly. I might make a return go with this.. I might not. Until the next time.

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