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Up for air and a bit of writing


Entry 09/10/2012 08:37:26 AM – Mentat 663

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory." – Albert Schweitzer

I know that it’s been more than a couple of weeks since the last time I’ve sat down and written (there’s plenty of excuses, though none of them are really worth trying to use). The thing is that whenever I tried to sit down and write anything — I felt like there really wasn’t all that much to actually talk about. Just the frivolousness of day-to-day living, the banal of the insane weather that continued to cut through the are (thanks to the hurricanes and tropical storms that have been kicking up south and east of here), and things that I really wasn’t in the mood to talk about because they would either leave me feeling annoyed, impatient, anxious and occasionally yes even a bit nervous when trying to face them. Denial is a wonderful tool when it comes to avoiding anxiousness as it allows me to focus on a million and one other things than the issues that were cropping up in the time between now and the last entry. But the fact of the matter is that things are just things… Life is just the usual challenges I’ve been experiencing in the last couple of months, with the usual slow crawl it takes between confrontation (to those issues) to their conclusion.

As I’m sitting here with my brains going at lightning speed thinking about the differences between journal entries of the stress that I go through at work and the stress that I go through on the home front — I realize that there’s no real difference between the two — in spite of the fact that home issues tend to make me face a hell of a lot more anger, impatience and the occasional supernova flare-ups of fury. It’s the illusion that the home issues are worse than the work-related (that I’ve gone through over the years) because of the fact that I feel as though I have nowhere to escape from them, because home has been (and will most probably be) the one place I use to escape them.

Sure, I’ve got the solitude of the walls of this apartment and the silence that is created by plugging in my earbuds… But is there peace? Out the door of the apartment and across the hall, I feel as though the deadbeat in my old apartment is not unlike a festering wound that hasn’t healed itself because the deadbeat refuses to acknowledge the debts that he owes me — be it by promissory note or even partial payment… Yet, watching him come in and out of the house as I’ve occasionally done — I see that he seems to have enough money to get himself cigarettes and beer.

Family members might continue to tell me that, "he’s not worth it…" but the fact remains that I despise being tied to someone either in debt or monetary obligation that doesn’t resolve itself quickly and efficiently. And theft never sits quietly in my head or heart.

That in my head and heart is not peace or solace at all. Nope, it’s a roiling mess that feels as though it’s washing up against the door of my sanctuary; not unlike the sound of a beating heart in Poe’s story A Telltale Heart.

I will admit however that I’ve done really well in the last couple of weeks in that I haven’t had any overwhelming bouts of anger or fury. Sure the anger and a bit of the fury is still there… Sure it still bothers me on occasion, but I’ve been lucky on the whole that I’ve been able to get through the day to day on many occasions without so much as a thought of the deadbeat or the money that he owes me. I’ve had other things to think about — and not all of them having to deal with my survival or whether or not I’m teetering on the brink of homelessness. Heck, I’ve even be able to have a couple of thoughts on theosophy and metaphysics thanks largely to an acquaintance I hadn’t realized had been walking a path (through enlightenment) that I hadn’t actually suspected (Hi, J… Yes, that’s you I’m talking about). But I’ll get into that in a few…

In that time I’ve actually worked up the stomach to watch a few movies… Battleship, John Carter, Shut Up & Kiss Me, Sommersturm (Summer Storm). Oh! And the live action film of Space Battleship Yamato. For the most part, it’s been lackluster collection of movies. Battleship is an abomination of unbelievable proportion. I skipped through the first 35 minutes because it was nothing but dialog and bullshit. The next 90 minutes were… Well, let’s just say that after the experience I will never get those 90 minutes back and I swear that I find myself drooling and gape-mouthed more because I’ve lost IQ points for surviving through. I think what’s worse is the fact that you don’t see any battleship until the last 15 minutes of it — not to mention that they completely FUBAR’d the fact that the USS Missouri was reactivated and retrofitted with more advanced electronics and weaponry. But then again that’s never stopped Hollywood from bastardizing a story for their own smug self-serving interests. Anyone reading this — avoid this piece at all cost. Insanely stupid doesn’t remotely cover how bad this abomination of a movie is.

As for John Carter. Well let me just say as a start Disney Pictures is synonymous with "bastardization". I’ve had quite a lot of contempt when it comes to Disney and what they do with stories.. This movie is no different. From what I’ve been able to tell, the movie incorporates elements from A Princess of Mars and The Gods of Mars though I thought that I caught some elements from The Warlord of Mars as well. Not only is it a hodgepodge mess of epic proportions, Disney Pictures is completely unhinged by turning a dedicated and honorably discharges military man — our hero John Carter — into a rebel without a clue, bad-ass. Blah. I mean I can understand how they would write out the threat of the Apaches at the beginning of the book — given how politically correct the world has turned… But this whole rebel without a clue paraded on my last gay nerve in record time. After that though it was a jumbled mess… If you read the books, avoid it — you’ll only end up pissed off. Those that hadn’t, watch it with your brains shut off. It’ll be better that way.

Space Battleship Yamato brought back all sorts of fond memories of my childhood when I used to watch the Star Blazers cartoon on one of the UHF channels in my hometown. I was rather surprised how close Toho Studios kept to the original series, although the ending changed a few things that left me feeling a shade uneasy about how they made Iscandar and Gamilon the same place. I mean it’s not that much of a stretch when you think about it — even in the cartoon they were sister planets sharing the same orbit. But there was just something about it that I couldn’t swallow in the movie. Like any movie produced in the world in the 21st century, there was more than its fair share of politically correct — particularly with Yuki Mori (Nova Forrester in the Americanized Cartoon) turning from pink-collar Radar Operator into a fighter pilot. On the whole though… Good special effects, b-rated story. I might review this one in the future when I’ve got more want to writing a review.

Sommersturm and Shut Up & Kiss Me are LGBT stories.. The former a coming out story with a bit of the usual heartache that things don’t always turn out for the best, the latter… Well, the latter is a rough mess with a message that was convoluted throughout the amateurish filming. Truth be told, the only reason why I wanted to watch it was to see whether or not Ronnie Kerr had any more dramatic range than when I saw him in Regarding Billy. While he doesn’t as I had hoped, I did like enough of his performance that I could find myself relating to his character enough to sympathize with his plight. But it was bad, no matter how much the moral of the story was — and could have been done better.

Unfortunately for me, there isn’t all that much else out there that would appeal to my wanting to watch. Most of them are either bad remakes, or cheesier reboots. I might go looking for something, I might not.. Depends on whether or not I get tired of the re-TV that I’ve been watching the last couple of weeks as well.. Things like Brothers & Sisters (what a soap opera that is), Doctor Who (from the beginning — of which I’m up to the Tennant seasons), my continuing watching things like Smallville (though I’m seriously sick of how much Tom Welling’s characterization of Superman is utterly useless), Supernatural (though there’s only so much demonic nonsense I can put up with in my conscious brain). After that — well it’s a crap shoot of old and older things I might watch to pass the time. Although Spartacus and Game of Thrones are on the burned list. Both are soap operas for men, and I’m just not in the mood for that sort of crap. If I want to want men doing men things — well, I’ll watch Top Gear before those two.

Finally… Heh, a subject I rarely touch upon. Well at least one that I haven’t touched upon in my journal entry in any length for a least a decade: Philosophy and Metaphysics. Most of the reason has to do with the fact that I’ve finally been able to puzzle through the teachings that I had read from Alice A Bailey over the "formative years" just prior to my epiphany at 25 and incorporate them into my every day activities. Some of the reason is because I rarely have met anyone from the Arcane Schools to talk about the various things that I’ve learned, experienced and puzzled out in that time. Not surprising though given that the Northeast and the Tundras of New England really don’t have all that many people that have read AAB, and the few that I did encounter were more than 25 years ago and not exactly the sanest or the most stable of people.

While the person I’m speaking with isn’t of the Arcane School either — I get the impression he’s an esotericist or occultist (at best) or a theosophist (at worst). I can’t be sure of which though as he’s at the point in his spiritual evolution where he’s coming out of what I call the "dark time" where one feels the pull of the Soul to wanting to help/enlighten others to the truths that he has discovered and yet feels alone because one cannot find peers or others (of like mind or like spirit) to discuss, share and expand on that Calling. Tough time that… I remember that time in my life as I was studying AAB where I really, really needed to find someone to relate to when it came to what I was reading and trying to comprehend (particularly when I reached the point in Esoteric Psychology – Volumes 1 & 2). I was fortunate in that I had met Darin (who believed as I did, but never wanted to put to word what I would say in detail) and coupled with the epiphany that I had when I was 25.

Personally I find it an almost frightening proposition. While I’ve put my fair share of folk onto the Path of Spiritual Enlightenment (and Spiritual Evolution), he’s the first that I’ve met coming out of the dark time. To make matters worse, my instincts kick in hardcore because I get the impression that he’s holding back for some reason. I’ve caught him a couple of times showing the sort of concern that he’s going to say the wrong thing and will be received poorly — in spite of the fact that I’ve assured him there’s little that I would find offensive enough to be received badly. Couple the usual caution that comes when dealing with folk meeting other folk on the internet (and never being truly sure what the person on the other side of the pixels is like (sane, stalker, insane, and so on).

*nods* I know, I know… Time and tide… Everything in its place and time… Each of us moves at the speed we’re comfortable with… I know all the sayings… Yet as a creature of Leap of Faith that I am and can be, find this… Well, moderately frustrating.

*shrugs* I’ll just have to wait it out.

Well that’s about it for the time being. Until the next time.

  1. 09/12/2012 at 12:48 am

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