Home > Life or something like it > The Confusion of being Human

The Confusion of being Human

10/01/2012

Entry 10/01/2012 09:16:28 AM – Mentat 666

There’s something to be said about the self-destructive power of human nature. We human beings want to be able to relate… We want to be part of a community (either at large or a community of our own forming and/or choosing)… We want to feel like we belong to something… Sometimes we even go out of our way looking for that special someone that can understand us better than we want others to understand us (even sometimes better than ourselves). And yet when it comes time to take what I fondly call the leap of faith — that moment of jumping from what is known to what is unknown — we’ll destroy not only the chance, but any future opportunity with such force and impact as to cause others to shrink and shirk away at lightning speed. And the reason for this? It’s easier to live in the hells of our own choosing and even making — in pain, in fear, in a horrible concoction of self-loathing and self-recrimination — because the known is far easier to handle than the unknown. Even (and especially) when the fear of that unknown shackles us to a rock like Prometheus for the sins of trying to do good and being caught. To add salt to an already festering wound, human nature (mainly through nurturing from peers and through influences like television and story-telling) teaches us in a fractured sort of way that in order to break ourselves of all this “bad karma”, the very shackles we have created, we have to do so in an explosive fashion: moving from where we are to somewhere else in the world that is far enough away from the things that remind us why we’re chained to the burden of our own making.

But does that make one free? Of course not. We humans pack up more than just our possessions to make some cross-city, cross-state, cross-country trip. We pack up the very baggage we are trying to let go of in such moves. We hold onto that baggage because of the fact that millions of years of evolution have taught us that in order for us to survive, we have to remember the pains that we had survived through. Hand in a fire? Yes, we remember that fire burns and will avoid it. However, that also applies to things that hurt us emotionally and mentally as well. Our first person that we were intimate with that ended badly? Yes, we remember it. The fact that we’re shunned by our peers when we were in school? Yeah, remembered also. Being different than this little group or that? Yep… That too. The lists of these hurts, slights and pains running longer than they actually should for the exclusive reason of ensuring we don’t make the same mistake twice.

It all carries over to the next location that we have chosen to move to because while we think we’ve been able to get over and get away from one set of pains that are established and understood at the last place that we lived, creating a flotsam-like nest from the very issues we thought we would be escaping. It’s sometimes a wonderful illusion in that new location that gives us the impression we’re free, but a temporary illusion that quickly fades from memory as the issues that we thought we had escaped from suddenly start cropping up once again.

Wash…

Rinse…

Repeat…

…in a never ending cycle from cradle to grave.

While I would love to be able to get up on that high horse and say that after years of realizing this pattern within myself that I had become enlightened enough to be able to break the habit; the fact is that more often times than I would like to admit, I find myself falling back into the very pattern I see so many people do unconsciously. Sometimes I do it without realizing that I had, sometimes I do it consciously knowing full well what I’m doing is going to hurt and do it anyway. Perhaps it’s a little masochistic of me, though from it I’ve learned that in following this pattern, I can occasionally break other patterns within myself that I don’t otherwise know how to break. Take for example the last two weeks.

I’ve been dealing with someone that gives off the vibe of a closet case. Does that actually mean that he’s a latent homosexual? Not necessarily. You see, there are some people that are just not that comfortable with their own acceptance of their sexuality and/or sexual identity that when they come across someone that doesn’t fit into what they conceive as who they should be… Well, it becomes a confusing mess between friend, bromance, adoration and fear… Particularly when it seems that what feelings the man might be projecting are being reciprocated. There’s another part of this closet case vibe that can become violent if the feelings that someone is expressing for them goes across lines they aren’t willing to face (let alone cross). While I’ve been fortunate in that the latter cannot manifest itself (thanks largely to the distance between this man and I), the former is becoming way too evident given that at first he was doing really well in conversing, rather out of the blue he’s done everything to give himself distance.

Add the next problem to this… Since talking to him on the phone for the first time in the years that we had been acquainted, I’ve had sexually intense dreams every night for 9 days straight. While this in itself might seem normal for some folk, I am not some folk. As I’ve joked about with family — in the decade of my being celibate — that’s more dreams than I have had in that time combined. Hell, I’ve always known that my dream states are usually off the deep end, it used to be rather nice to have the usual conspiracy theories, aliens invading earth and the plethora of other dreams that would make H.P. Lovecraft pause that when I would actually have a sexual fantasy of a dream, it was considered a rather nice break to the host of demons that I often had sitting down with me for a cup of tea in the evening. Needless to say that in the 9 days that I was having these dreams, I was both ungrounded and unnerved.

The thing is that I’m both a creature of habit and a creature of curiosity. It didn’t anything at all for me to realize that this man had to be the influence, mainly because he was the only new variable in my life. This made me intensely curious how someone I just started talking to could make sure a profound effect on my unconscious state in as little as chatting about metaphysics and philosophy for a couple of hours that weekend night. After all, if you look through my history, there is a short list of people that have done that: Tommy, Darin on rare occasion and of course Damion. So the reason for this man in my life is of significant importance if he is able to make this sort of impact on my unconscious state. And that makes me intensely curious.

I admit that my curiosity might have pushed boundaries with the man making the closet case vibe that was already going on that much more excitable. In my curiosity, I was — for lack of better words — trying to breathe the man in. That is to say I wanted to know everything that I could possibly know about the man. Consciously and unconsciously… It’s sort of like profiling the person — not only to get the idiosyncrasies, but also the dynamic. In a word, understanding what makes him tick in order to determine what it was that was causing my being around him to react the way I had been unconsciously.

As I said, doing that sort of made the awkward situation worse… Instead of allowing it to go the direction it was meant to go, he pulled away and began introverting because it went against preconceived notions that he had in his head. This only caused me to be further frustrated and confused to his actions and brought to mind the instinctive response that he’s reacting to it as a closet case would assuming there was strong attraction.

This is where it gets muddy. Is there attraction? Yeah.. He’s a handsome man and we have more than a little bit in common, I would have to be blind not to see it and dead to the world not to feel it. But the thing is that there’s more to this than simple attraction. There’s lessons to be learned here… Lessons that involve metaphysical teacher and student. Of equals walking on a similar path to enlightenment. Even of brothers puzzling things out between the two of us and the world at large. As I’ve said to him — there are things that he will learn from me, and I from him… But none of these lessons involve sexual intimacy. Not to mention that I have already learned what it’s like to be a “house wrecker” in a relationship and that lesson learned from that came with dire consequences. And those lessoned learned will not be repeated ever.

I don’t think that he picked up on that. And while I did attempt to stress it more than a couple of times, I feel it my fault as I stopped stressing it — thinking that the several times I had done it already was enough. But looking over the chain of events over the following 10 days, I realize that there might be elements that have been hinted at (that shouldn’t have been at all) and are being read incorrectly.

So the thing was, by the end of the ninth day of these sexually intense dreams, I have had enough of them and decided to confront him about it. He of course was remarkably terse to the point of being non-communicative. To the point where I had had enough of it and over-analyzing everything to dramatic ends severed connections in heart and mind with him that night, working on the thought that it was an utter mistake to be dealing with him.

That night, my dreams immediately returned to normal. While the next morning and most of the afternoon I had agonized over the poor decisions I made and the fact that I had done this self-inflicting wound in order to stop the cycle of feelings, being un-grounded and the dreams, there was a sort of relief in it that the dreams had finally stopped. I chastised myself for intentionally (and figuratively) putting my hand into the fire in order to hurt myself because the alternatives were more difficult which is technically the reason why I chose the opening to this entry as I had. After all, I do know better and yet… even with the excuses that I make that it was necessary… There are better ways to get over and through this sort of thing. And I chose not to find or follow any of them.

Consequently, Sunday (yesterday) he had shared a piece that he had played on his guitar and shared (in complete blackness), and like old friends we went back and forth not about the music, but the fact he filmed the thing in pitch black, which caused me last night to have another sexually charged dream.

[Last Edited: 10/01/2012 09:09:19 PM]

So it’s today… Did a bit of work around the other apartment house down the street for my landlord and feeling more than a bit sore (from all the weed pulling and yard work that I did). I’ve had the opportunity to work on this entry and talk with him because, well… I just can’t leave well enough alone. After all, when something bothers me, leaves me in a lurch… Curious because I can’t wrap my head around something (because I don’t have enough information)… I go at it again until I find the satisfaction of having enough information to work with.

Sure… I’ve got more to work with. I was wrong about my speculation that it’s a closet-case vibe. I still think it’s something there — but my read on the situation seems to be a bit wrong. At least I think it is. I’ll probably keep it on a back burner (so to speak) until I can be sure that I’m wrong. At the same time, I realize there’s parts of his personality that I need to understand more. The flightiness… The ungrounded way he can flitter from one thing to the next and then wander off in the middle of a conversation leaving everything hanging (this was the quality that I had used to create those self-inflected emotional wounds to get a break from him — even if it were for 2 days). At the same time, I’m left with more questions than I did when I started (another facet about him that I had used to create that self-inflicted pain), which for me is anathema to my routinely organized mind.

Those two qualities alone are enough to present a hell of a challenge. Add these dream states and the manner for which they have come at me with such… regularity and I’m finding myself pushed to limits that I’m not used to (let alone like) being pushed to. I should try delving into my heart and a lot into my sub- and unconscious states to see what the causes could possibly be. Though I fear if I do it now, I’ll end up with weirder dreams than I’m used to. So I think I’ll push it off for a couple of days and try then. In any event, I think I’ve written enough. At least for the moment.

Until the next time.

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: