Entry 10/10/2012 07:06:48 PM – Mentat 667
Predestined Relationship… A friend of mine had used those two words in a way that I hadn’t quite heard before, but it had dawned on me rather quickly that there was another word for what he had been attempting to allude to that I more readily recognized: Soulmate. According to various dictionaries, it is described as:
A soulmate (or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, sex, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility.
I admit that when I was younger, I strongly believed in this concept. I even wrote a novella on the subject recently (in spite of the fact that the story was written for an entirely different reason). That there is someone out there that one can readily and ultimately relate to on the physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual level and that for the longest time I believed that there is only one person that could fit the title of Soulmate. This belief however, changed over the course of time when I realized that in my life there was no one person that could possibly fit in such a way… I could relate to one mentally, but emotionally I would find it as barren and frigid as Antarctica. Or I could relate to one emotionally and yet intellectually I would feel as though I might as well be speaking some foreign language as nothing that came out of my mouth could possibly be understood. Eventually, the notion of a Soulmate was cast aside and forgotten… Partially because I had lost the hope of there being someone that I could relate to on all levels. Mostly because I thought it a foolish notion that had been warped through its overuse in society in the hopes of finding “the one” that everyone wants to have in their life.
Some years later, I realized that some of the books that I had been reading by AAB there were mentions and inferences that those on the similar paths (among the Seven Rays) could be considered “soulmates”, but that word was never truly used, but instead simply meant brothers on the same path toward enlightenment. While I had accepted this notion of the possibility of Soulmate, I had stopped using the word because it simply didn’t fit. Brothers… Equals… Comrades… Seemed better suited for what I felt toward those that held similar or the same spiritual beliefs that I had felt and understood and treated them in the same way as I treat a trusted friend when discussing such issues or perspectives with them. After all, it was easy for me to find myself relating to someone because of my inherent abilities of profiling a person to better understand them, be empathetic to their feelings for me to understand what motivations that drove them, and fill in whatever blanks I didn’t pick up through nuance by asking the necessary questions with the hope that the person is being honest about the answers (though it does help that I can often pick up on the lies and half-truths).
Fast forward 20 years and through several failed relationships, and I had pretty much even gave up the concept of finding someone equal to me in spiritual belief because let’s face it… Folk in the south were more existentialistic about their approach to spirituality, and while I could relate to some in their strong aversion to all forms of religious dogma, none of them truly studied the esoteric or the occult with quite the fervor that I had in the years since the accident and the challenge that I had felt from a former friend that had introduced me to the books of AAB. And folk in the north? More Wicca/Pagan and even Satanist in slant because of the strong hold of the Roman Catholic Church in the area. I did occasionally come across some Buddhists scattered here and there, and while I could relate to most of their beliefs, there were simply things that I studied that they had little concept of.
Don’t get me wrong, I know there are others of the Arcane School out there. I’ve met a few along the way. I remember one that I had met around the time of my epiphany at 25. I remember he was of the Third Ray of Active Intelligence. I chatted with another around 1996 online in an IRC channel that had been following the Fourth Ray of Harmony Through Conflict. There had been a couple that I had suspected were following the same path I had been, but lacked the education in AAB for me to be sure (other than on an instinctual level). But other than that, I’ve been alone in this and accepted this as part of the path that I had taken as it had been clearly hinted at in later writings that those of the Arcane School will often walk their path alone helping all those along the way. It was also said that they rarely congregate in the same places: scattered around the world doing the work they’re meant to do (and meant to learn from).
The thing is though, if there was any hope for any such thing as a Soulmate, that hope had long since died and atrophied from non-use.
Then about 5 years ago, I found myself questioning my disbelief in the concept of Soulmate when I had met Damion. While he never once studied AAB, Philosophy or even any Metaphysics whatsoever — I found myself in awe in his ability to understand precisely what it was I was trying to convey to him (by reiterating it in simpler form), in the mutual emotional comfort we often gave each other in the hours of time we shared in each other’s presence and even the dynamic energy that often bounced off of each other in seriousness and in play. By the end of the year and a day that we had been together, I actually came to admit to myself that perhaps it’s possible that a soulmate can exist. But is that Soulmate “the one” that we all look for? No… Or rather not necessarily. I accepted that it’s possible that while there’s the possibility of there being Soulmates, it doesn’t always mean that they’ll stay in your life “until death do us part”.
The funny thing is that I had once again forgotten the notion of Soulmate since Damion and I parted ways. Most of the reason for this has to do with the self-fulfilling prophecy that I had said to Damion toward the end of the time we had been together. As I’ve said to him (and have said many times to anyone that is willing to listen), “I have been very fortunate in that there are three men in my life that I have fallen truly, madly, deeply, head-over-heels in love with… Tommy… Darin… and Damion… In that I should consider myself truly fortunate to have had three where most can only boast of one, maybe two.” While it’s possible that both Tommy and Damion might have been Soulmates, looking back in hindsight, I also realize that what I had learned from them might not constitute the belief of a Soulmate, but instead divine lessons (for lack of better words) that I needed to learn in the time that we had been together. But that is a different discussion for a different time.
Then comes this chat with a friend that dropped “predestined relationships” when I asked him a question about what had pulled the two of us to each other in the way that we had. And while I’m still waiting for my friend’s answer based on his perspective, I’ve been thinking of what it means to me.
There has been (without any doubt) a pull since the time he and I have crossed paths three years ago. And I have little idea why either. It might be because the photographs that he had taken around New York City spoke to me in ways that no other photos have spoken to me before. Perhaps it’s the way that he described some of those pieces that he had been uploaded that I found I could relate. All I know is that there was this strange pushing/pulling that happened since he and I had been chatting. Enough that I couldn’t figure out what the source of the reason for this going on was, and decided to lay low and wait for a better opportunity to get to know him better than just casually.
A year or so later the opportunity does present itself and we chatted on the phone for a couple of hours. It is then that I realize that he and I share similar ideas on philosophy and metaphysics. There was also a strong affinity — a compassion — for the things that he had shared with me, understanding full well in many instances that I had gone through similar issues in my life. Then for the next nine nights, I’m left with a dream state out of control. So much so that it took a rather masochistic method of breaking the habit and even after that event (and my getting three days of peace and tranquility), my dream states slowly went back out of control only days after re-establishing contact with this man.
Now the thing about this is, is when I might obsess about a person, while my conscious mind might go around in circles, my unconscious works of its own accord. Sure, my conscious and unconscious might be aligned and communicative, but have always worked separately. My conscious mind always concrete and analytical My unconscious, abstract and primal. In the years since I learned how to communicate with both sides in a waking state, I learned that when the unconscious obsesses about someone or something — there’s definitely a reason for it. What that reason is with this man, I haven’t a bloody clue. Consciously, I’m trying way too hard to get him to ground himself and sort out his otherwise filled mind, help him understand that regardless of where he is in the world, he’s not alone. All he has to do is reach out (either with his imagination or with his empathy) and he’ll see for himself.
Needless to say I feel that I’m trying way too hard with him to figure it out. I can’t help but shake the feeling that the harder that I try, the more he shrinks away. Instead of rising to the challenge — a challenge that he desperately needs — I tend to get more and more silence. He’s apologized for this a couple of times… a couple of more times he’s excused it to his personality traits.
But is that reason something to do with Soulmates? Or is it simply the fact that my unconscious picking up on a strong personality? That’s the ongoing question that’s going on at the moment.
Anyway, I’m going to call it an evening. Off to watch Arrow, and then it’s a three-ish week sabbatical. I might write an entry or three in the meantime (and might even post them), or I might not. I’ll probably also take the time to play a couple of games and work out a couple of other issues that are seriously bothering me. Until after All Saint’s Day…
Activity Since Inception
Some of My Mad Scientist Work