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Good people, bad feelings & The same old runaround


Entry 10/25/2012 06:33:29 PM – Mentat 668

A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.” – William Arthur Ward

Elated would have been a better word for my mood at the moment. Happy just doesn’t seem to cover it the way that I want it to. The reason for this is the fact that I’ve had a few days off from the madness of having my landlord as a boss to doing the projects that he needs to have done in exchange for the rent that I owe him. It’s not that he’s a bad man to work for — I’ve had only a handful of managers that have been better. It’s not that that the work is hard — so far it’s nothing that I haven’t done in the years of my helping friends do DIY projects around their houses for a six-pack of beer (or soda as the case may be) and pizza. No, it’s the challenge of his projects being done on the fly and often changed from evening to morning… It’s also the challenge of some of his idiosyncrasies going against the common sense of DIY projects (like his wanting to sweep and throw the dust out of the building for example, while paint is currently drying. Hell any cleaning really in the middle of a construction project). And finally it’s the challenge of wanting these projects done in unrealistic times. The last part is the most challenging as he often thinks that he can do something in 35 minutes, but in 3 months he’s going to be re-doing the work that he had done. Now me on the other hand… being the perfectionist that I am, will often want to take my time to get through the project to ensure that it’s going to last more than 3 months. Years is what I usually aim at — particularly in any project that involves real estate. Sure, it’s not mine, and ultimately it’s not my decision — but call it a sense of pride to being able to visit a place and know what I’ve done has lasted longer than my being in one place at any given time.

So for the last couple of days as my landlord/manager is off on a week’s worth of family vacation/holiday out of the state, I’ve taken the time to rest and relax a bit and rest my right wrist as it’s been in quite a bit of pain since sometime last week I did something involving more than a little bit of weight and a lot of bulk, and it’s been aching like I have a hairline fracture of some sort of another. Don’t get me wrong, I have full mobility, but I just need to stop lifting heavy weights using my right hand for a bit… Heh, according to the schedule, he won’t be back until next Wednesday, and he’s got me doing a couple of ½ day jobs that require just a bit of light cleaning… Which I will do rather quickly (and efficiently) to enjoy the remainder of the time resting and relaxing.

Though this isn’t the reason why I’ve decided to come out of my self-imposed sabbatical. No, I have a few things that have been racing through my mind, none of which has to do with the issues that I had wanted to face while I was away. The primary reason for this has to do not with the fact that I would handle them properly, or even wisely. That’s the thing about this particular karma… I’m dealing with the deadbeat and with that comes all the baggage of my having to deal with the three things I positively despise in a human being: pathological lies, cheats/users, and thieves. Now any one of those I would’ve handled rather well… But all three in one person? It’s rage. Non-stop, almost inhuman rage. And without another human being as a sort of grounding mechanism for any of this, I’ll end up doing really rash things that I might regret in one manner or another.

The other problem with this is without this grounding… This sounding board of another human being… I am forced into complete non-activity (also out of habit), but the problem with this is — if I am unable to take action with all this rage, where can the rage truly go? Sure, I can meditate, I can use various forms of physical exercise (and even Bindu Yoga), but without a true outlet for taking care of the issue, (like bringing the deadbeat to court, or even confronting him and putting the fear of god into him to paying the money that he owes) that fury festers. And when it festers — the personal issues just go into the wrong sort of cycle. A sort of cycle that can turn into a time bomb waiting to go off.

That’s not the thing that I should be doing at the moment.

[Last Edited: 10/26/2012 08:29:02 PM]

So rewind to my last journal entry just over two weeks ago… The friend that I mentioned that threw out there the phrase “Pre-Destined Relationships” continues to throw all sorts of curveballs in my direction — none of which has left me feeling the least bit settled or grounded. Quite the opposite really… If anything I find myself more unsettled with each and every encounter with him. For every question that I might have gotten around to an answer, I’m left with 20 other questions that remain unanswered. Not to mention the more that I get to know him, the more I’m not at all liking what I see. While he’s not a bad person per se… The problem is that he’s been making the sort of rash decisions that will not end well either for him, or the people that he’s involved in. And with me being the detached observer, I’m finding that it’s going to be a train wreck both emotionally as well as spiritually for everyone involved. In fact, he reminds me of the lesson that I had learned not too long ago about, “…there are just some good people that don’t belong in your life…” That is to say that regardless of the fact that they’re good natured and the sort of people that most would want in one’s life — they’re being there is just simply a bad influence on one’s well being, life, karma, even Wa.

I wish there was “on the other hand” to this… But there isn’t. I realize that if I try to justify keeping this going the way that it’s going is only to end up going really badly. The kind of badly that will leave me a lot more worse for wear. Sure, I know I’d get over it… I usually do, but I don’t need the extra baggage to go along with it. If anything I’m supposed to be working on shedding what massive amounts of it I already have. I wish there were another way to handling this, but the only other option is to let it continue going the direction it’s going, and that’s the last thing that I want.

Maybe in another life this would work out better? But this one? I like my sensibilities and what little order I get from myself in my environment, not to mention that I don’t need to be dealing with his ego-centric bullshit. And him? *shakes head* I can’t help but think he’s got one, maybe even two lifetimes to go before it sorts itself out… But this one? He’s going to be sinking a lot more before he realizes the path that he’s on is not only destructive to the people around him, but self-destructive in the worst possible sense. And no matter how much he thinks picking up from where he is now to another location at the beginning of the year, the baggage that he’s picked up and calls his own now will follow him there.

And with that decision that I’m making, and my venting this out so that I don’t carry it anymore is no longer my concern. Heh, although knowing me too well, I’m more than sure I’ll be talking about it one or two more times.

Well that’s about it for the time being. I think I’m off to watch a bit of Haven and then I’m off to bed. Until the next time.

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