Something incredible happened on the way through Life
Entry 04/01/2013 07:13:01 AM – Mentat 683
“It’s the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter.” – Marlene Dietrich
It’s funny in one of those sadly ironic sort of ways… Every time I try to sit down and write a journal entry, I will start with putting my earbuds in, starting iTunes and trying to play something quiet, melodic, or even something I would listen to if I wanted to meditate. Then the next thing I know, I’m shutting my journal, loading up a game of some sort (MMO mostly), and then off I go to save the city, world, galaxy… What have you. When I pull myself out of the game saying to myself in one of those harshly critical ways that I should be working on my journal entry… I stop what game I’m playing put on iTunes once again, put something classical on and the next thing I know I’m leaving my journal program open (and my desk) to do chores about the house. Cleaning up, doing dishes, making something to eat… If I’m trying to write this in the morning, I end up making breakfast, coffee, getting ready for what’s ahead in the day, and then start writing something that couldn’t possibly be finished in the 40 or so minutes before I’m off to work paying off my rent. Sure I can come back to writing this after a full day’s worth of work, but then I’m too tired, too beat, too sore to want to sit here and write. With my brain being in all the wrong places for me to pay attention to what I should be writing and what I should be talking about. So I end up in the evening looking at what I wrote in the morning, not liking it at all and end up deleting it and starting all over again.
Wash… Rinse… Repeat…
Heh, I’m reminded too keenly of this video that I seem to have stumbled across a year (or so) ago and thinking even now, “yep, this is totally appropriate for what I’m feeling the last two weeks.” Longer the more that I think about the amount of trouble that I’ve been going through since the beginning of the year and most of last year.
So it is the fact that I’m tired of the work of these journal entries? Yeah, a little bit. Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with the feeling that I need to be entertaining to those that have decided to tune into my journal entries both on WordPress, Blogger and on Deviant Art (with Facebook, Twitter being included thanks to WordPress’ app section). Yes, I know I shouldn’t be too worried about what other people think when it comes to my entries — this was done back in 2005 (earlier actually, but those sites have been phased out or cancelled and WordPress has them dating back to then thanks to MSN Spaces going the way of the dinosaur) because I had been accused of being “secretive” by a certain ex (who will remain unnamed)… And well, I shouldn’t feel the responsibility of actually being entertaining. After all, I can be that without even trying.
And then there’s the new element that I realize is coming into play since just before the last journal entry that I had been hinting at about writing… With two weeks later finding myself having just as difficult a time talking about it now as I did when I finished that entry. Yes, there’s a special someone that I would like to talk about, and even getting into the details of it… While I have no problem maintaining a sense of anonymity for that individual — referring to him as nothing more than C — there’s still the self-conscious of doing so for fear of the repercussions that my writing about him publicly can cause quite a controversy. Heh, sure I know he has the confidence, and after talking with him, he reassuring me that I have nothing to fear, the problem is that peer pressure has a strange way of affecting even the most confident. That it’s one thing for me to tell him what I’m writing about one-on-one, it’s quite the other when those words can be read and seen in the world at large. Though I might be able to get to this in a few, as I’m feeling rather inspired at the moment in spite of this all. We’ll see how long this lasts before this work of pixels ends up in the Recycle Bin…
Like many things that have significant (and sometimes even life-altering) impact in my life, it doesn’t start slowly. Never does, really. Instead it starts like the headlong rush of riding a roller coaster. Except that instead of the climb up the first hill and then the downward plunge, it’s like you leave the gate at the top of the hill and then you go down… Fast… Unlike other times however, I wasn’t fully aware of what was going on for a while, mostly because I had been fighting through the rage that I was feeling dealing with the ex-roommate and his continued (immediate) presence in my immediate life. When I did realize what was going on, I was dealing not with the rage (or the feelings that I often shut down in order to feel anger and rage), I found myself ending up in the middle of a dilemma that I didn’t know how to respond to. More like hesitant to the consequences of what happens when encountering this question..
The question is, “what happens when you find a Soulmate that is of a different sexual proclivity?”
I know, I know… This is getting to be a reoccurring theme in my life the last six months (and the last couple of years). I’ve brought the subject once before much to the catastrophe that left me frazzled and ungrounded… Not to mention I was an emotional mess the last time because the person that I had encountered — the Soulmate then — was unbalanced and ungrounded and a mess in more ways than I care to recount and remember at the present. Personal Karma (Life Lessons) have a way of interfering with the resonance Souls can have when reuniting in one life or the next, and I often forget to take that into consideration and sometimes because of that, it can make it difficult (to impossible to reunite on a lifetime (or several).
After all, normal people are one in a million lucky to meeting their soulmates in their lifetimes, and yet here I am in my middle-ages and I’ve met several. The thing is though I’m at the point in my spiritual evolution that I can draw those of like energies. Souls that walk the same path that I do and those that have walked with me several times through a Soul’s path to Enlightenment and Purification. To feel as equal toward, and to experience a resonance right down to the soul, and experience a mental, emotional and even spiritual affinity that goes beyond word, feeling and sometimes even understanding (and even in that lack of understanding to feel as though they were always part of one’s life even before meeting them).
The thing is though I’m at a stage in my spiritual evolution where encountering one’s Soulmates through the long path of living on the physical plane will be (and is) more common. From what I understand based on my philosophy is that the reason why I am encountering more of them is because I am in the slow process of shedding all my ties with the physical realm. It’s not so much that this will be completed in this lifetime; it’s not and it would be foolishly egocentric to think that it would complete in this life. I know that it’s going to take a hell of a lot longer than this lifetime for this to be completed. In a way, it’s like saying farewell to all those that have touched me through the walk through spiritual evolution. But I digress…
I found myself very hesitant when faced with that question (above). Most of the reason was because I was jumping ahead of where I needed to be. After all, I needed to work through all this anger and rage for dealing with someone that had committed the three deadliest sins in my book (thievery, pathologically lying and using people — me — for their creature comforts). Add to the fact that I would literally be volunteering to enter a cage of my own making – one involved with unrequited love — and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I would be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. A cage that would leave me frazzled, hurt, annoyed, frustrated and eventually dealing with more anger and impatience (for different reasons).
But then again, I know that in my long life — things are never easy or organized. After all, things often get thrown at me in complete disarray, why should it stop now?
Instead of wrestling with the problem I did what my family is famous for; going into denial mode and simply not want to think about it. Well at first. The thing is, my instincts told me, I wasn’t the only person feeling this. And at first when I had posed the question to C in a way that he would understand it (what would happen if one were to meet their Soulmate and they were of the same gender?), his reaction was rather…. Extreme. Well at least at first. Off on a tangent he went saying that it would be wise for him to explore this with a woman even if that woman ends up being a hooker…
I left it alone for a bit, explaining how it can sometimes work with finding other Soulmates and that he didn’t quite have the right grounding/centering for finding another. And explored with him why he had such an extreme reaction to it (knowing full well most of the reasons why).
The second time through though, I approached it more calmly, with more reasoning and explaining the myriad labels of sexuality and sexual identity. C thought about it a little bit and then slept on it. It was in the morning when I saw him next that a transformation had occurred. One that involves taking that leap of faith.
He stated simply and matter-of-factly, “then I would adapt.”
Something changed though.. Both subtle and obvious. C’s confidence was soaring. He was happy and had the attitude that he would take on the world and win. He was infatuated and in love. And it happened as naturally as the sun rising in the east.
Seeing that changed scared me. I thought that I was reading too far into things… I thought I was misinterpreting the signals that he was giving off. So far off the mark in fact, that I found myself allowing hope to things that I shouldn’t be feeling hope about.
He assured me I wasn’t. That what I was seeing, and what I was reading was accurate.
I calmed down, was happy…. Felt all right in fact. Then a couple of days later something subtle happened to me. I found myself speaking the ex-roommates name. Even did it with a smile on my face when I was speaking about the black-eye he earned. Not so much for the savage glee that he’s getting what I think he deserves, but the fact that I wasn’t bothered at all with his continued presence. It was in that moment, I realized that my feelings were mutual for him. I was infatuated and in love with him. That I was even on the road toward healing.
Yesterday, as I began working on the bare bones of this journal entry, I realized that I was trying to rush things. That I was trying to rush things in spite of the fact that C said that he wanted to take his time and make this relationship work, I was ending up wanting to follow the path that I often feel strongly to someone… In fact I ended up being so confused by what I was feeling that I had to stop writing what I was writing and talk a little bit with someone I trust a lot in order to work through why I was doing what I was doing. And after a couple of hours of talking about it, metaphysics and philosophy and everything else in between, I realized that I was simply being foolish and a bit desperate and was able to find myself grounded enough to remember that I often take my time as well… The tradition of getting to know someone within a year and a day. That I was just trying to rush through to getting to the intimacy in spite of the fact that in the last month we’re more intimate (emotionally and intellectually) now than we were when we chatted four weeks ago.
So yeah… Take our time… get to know each other more… help each other understand the nature of the universe, and let things follow the path they’re meant to.
So how am I feeling right now? Well, in spite of the fact that this is before coffee — I’m feeling pretty damned good. Happy… A bit of pride… And looking forward to the next installment of chatting with C. Anyway, I’m off for the time being. I need to get ready for work, have my morning coffee and pray to god that my landlord doesn’t try pulling me in sixteen different directions before lunch. That is never pretty. Until the next time.
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