The Year-end Contemplation
Entry 12/30/2013 09:04:07 AM – Mentat 688
“Learn as much by writing as by reading.” – Lord Acton
It’s coming up on the end of the year, and looking at my journal for 2013, I realize all too painfully, I haven’t written nearly as much as I wished. Or as often as I should have. I know that sitting here and thinking about it — I have had a million reasons and excuses why this had come to pass for this year. I thought about some of the reasons why I had picked up writing a diary/journal in the last 32 years… At first it was because I was an introvert and needed to learn how to be more open and extroverted. Then my journal entry changed a bit and started including bits of philosophy, metaphysics and the observations I made during these studies into books by Alice A. Bailey, Helena Blavatsky, Aristotle and Socrates… I even included bits pieces (and even whole entries) about dreams and the dreams that I’ve had over the years, delving into understanding the unconscious and the subconscious…
After that, there was much about my private life. Mostly because I had been accused by many that I had dated (and even had long-term relationships with) that I was too secretive. That I kept too much of what was going on inside me close to my chest. When I broke up with my last SO just over a decade ago, I changed it to dealing with the healing that came from living 4 years in an abusive (and extremely toxic) relationship. During the next 5 years, it was a struggle dealing with the pain and the hurt and the healing that comes from finding myself in a dark place and trying to make it back to the light. I did pretty well, in spite of the work-related drama that cropped up for a couple of years. Was even lucky to find myself head over heels in love with a man that understood everything that came out of my mouth no matter how confusing or obfuscated it sounded.
Things trucked along as they should and I was as active as I was when I first started coming out of my introverted shell, in spite of the fact that I was at home with all the baggage that it incurred. In spite of the often strange, eccentric and gruff attitudes that Yankees have here in the Tundras of New England. In fact, I had reached a point in my life a couple of years ago that mirrored the times when I finally worked out who I was and what I should-be doing with myself and my life.
Then comes two years ago. I have the illusion that regardless of the circumstances that lead me to having to move I was in that comfortable place of dealing with whatever was going to be thrown my way. I found myself dealing with a thief and a user, and another that was not only incompetent but also a user… And that’s when I only just realized I was dealing with karma not only from the last relationship I had, but also dealing with issues going all the way back to my first boyfriend (the asshole ex, as I refer to more often times than naught). Admittedly my anger and rage was through the roof with both. The thief I was just wanted to pulverize because humans like him don’t deserve to live and use others in the way that he had used me (and before any new readers think I dated him, I can assure you he is most assuredly not my type). And the incompetent one, I just want to smack the shit out of him in the hopes that sense will be beaten into his skull. The thing is that sitting here and writing this entry, I realize I let these two fuckwits imbeciles get the best of me, so much so that I had become quite a tight ball of hate, anger, rate and vitriol. The more that I attempted to confront that hate and anger in the form of writing a journal entry, the more verklempt I became. It reached a point where instead of continuing in trying to work through the issue, I avoided it — like a plague it felt it was — ran away from it diverting myself with anything I could pay attention to. Sometimes these diversion were creative (like my fractal a day work), sometimes not so much (like my MMO gaming and television show binging). In the end though, I ended up lethargic, unmoving, and almost incapable of doing anything but distractions.
Sometime last month; after I had to get family to intervene for me while I tried to epically control my anger with dealing with one of the fuckwits imbeciles in my life, something happened. With my family witnessing the insanity of one of these imbeciles and then commenting on it — I came to the slow realization, “well gee… It’s not just me (being a perfectionist)… He really is an idiot…” It was then that I started to repurpose my approach to the problems I was avoiding.
This approach has been met with some conflicting feelings from family. My mother believes that if someone/something gives you that much problem that the best (read to me as safest) solution to handling that problem is to leave… Move out… Go somewhere else… Basically let someone else handle the problem, or let the problem just break itself. The only problem with that is that I’ve gotten tired of running away whenever I have a problem. Leaving it to karma or to other people — while momentarily satisfying — took too long for the likes of me to get resolved… And let’s face it based on the two years I’ve been here in Providence, RI — these two fuckwits imbeciles have been doing this sort of crap for far too long longer than my personal experience has witnessed.
Sure, I would wait for karma to catch up and deal with them… The only problem with this is that while each of them have gotten (at least one) the wake-up call to the road they’ve been walking will not end well for — and yet both of them do just enough to stop the train wreck from happening. And I’m tired of waiting…
I might talk about them in the next couple of days… I might not… Not sure whether I can or can’t… But in either case, I’m gunning for both of them and this time I’m going to pimp slap the both of them where it counts: in the wallet. And I will do this efficiently and legally instead of taking matters in my own hands.
Let’s see what else…
For about 7 months during this year I had been dating (albeit really long distance) the man that I had mentioned way back when in April (Entry 683)… C was inspirational, energetic and most of all inquisitive. The problems that cropped up were the facts that he was way too impulsive, flighty/un-grounded, and lacked the integrity of his own word — breaking promises because such promises were inconvenient to his desires for impulsiveness. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the time after waking up from a particularly troubling nap, I encountered a private message from him on Facebook that I couldn’t tell whether it was him or one of his friends taking the piss out of the two of us by using his account. Couple this with him breaking the promise of one day a week of getting together (more than twice), I had my fill of that inconsistency. Writing a quick “Dear John” I explained precisely why I had broke all contact with him and moved on with the feeling that “it had to be done…”
Friends and family tried to excuse his actions to youth and inexperience, yet I can’t accept the excuses of “coming of age”. I’m of the firm belief that by 18 people should have a good damned concept of what integrity means. Hell, even know the value of one’s word to commitment. If by adulthood one doesn’t understand this, then one needs to learn the consequences of ill-action. This lack of commitment and integrity must come with ramifications. Because no matter how intelligent we humans think we are, we learn best when there are (negative) consequences to our actions.
While the dreams that came from being around him had stopped, there have been a couple of times since our breakup that I get the impression he’s been thinking about me and once or twice I’ve been struck with the impression that he’s thought about reaching out to me in some way… But the one thing I’ve learned about humanity is hurt is the greatest motivator to integrity and commitment and given the break up — I’m sure that his promise of never speaking to me again if I were to disappear the way that I did… Still though, I’m sure like me — there’s been more than one time we’ve thought of each other and wondered whether the direction taken was the only one left at the time.
I’m going to stop here for the time being. I have some things to think about in what I want to say for today or New Year’s which means it’s time to wander off to contemplate. Until the next time.